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| Category: || Biographical Poetry |
Posted:|| January 11, 2018 Views: 60|
Night after night,
I still fight with my
This has me guilt filled
and I feel...like I'm standing still
on an endless treadmill,
because I'm going and getting nowhere
with actually forgiving myself, or all else,
which has me facing and chasing ghosts
from yesterday...who never went away.
They don't and won't leave me alone
and they won't leave my home.
This keeps me looking for peace
when there is none
and I'm not really done about it.
night after night I still find
that my mind won't free from its demons
so there's this
forever seeming screaming so deep within
and so I cannot begin to move on.
So I'm back and forth in a ping pong of memories,
facing my need to come clean with this whole thing,
which has me ...
trembling, remembering, and dissembling
all of my "mother issues"
and also my "me as a mother issues.:
"Was I such a big part of all of his issues
that this just cause him more issues?"
This caused me years full of "tears filled" tissues
for all of my "needed to face my real issues,"
issues that I could not wring out enough
to bring out the sting of hateful regret,
regret that wouldn't let me forget
that I played a big part in this.
So I regarded failure with questionable guilt
that I could not quilt with self denial
I put myself on trial where I found myself guilty.
This caused me riots in my heart that were
never quiet enough for me to reach some inner peace
because peace would have been a breach of the contract
that I took out on my own conscience.
Drenched in this whole dilemma,
I find myself waking up too late, full of self hate
because I'm never getting there in time...to save his life
and what's worst...is that
I'm never getting there in time...or getting there first.
"Was my pain in her not being there for me
into my pain in...my not being there for him,
at his end?"
"Was my tough love rejection just a reflection
of my own painful loneliness?"
if I had it all...to do it all again,
I would handle it all...so differently,
like my dealing with him
but this would start with my forgiveness of me
from all the misery.
But for now, in considering how I feel
I've decided - that it's best- if I keep it real
and perhaps I should allow myself more thrill
but for me...
this all still ...just leaves me ...guilt filled...
Thanks to Pinterest for the use of its photo...
It's easy to say that I should not feel so guilty or that I should be good to myself, let it go.
When you lose a child who, in his last three years on this earth, seemed and was so unhappy, you will always wonder, "What more could I have done?" You would be moving on with life and all of a sudden out of no-where, you lose your breath and you cannot breath and you feel like there is a knife in your heart. You will start begging just to hold him again, just to make him feel safe again, the way he always used to when he was with you, his mother, his parent.
And yes, I know that I had to allow him to be a man, to be the man that he was becoming but tough love got in our way and sometimes I just feel that I was harder on him than I ever meant to be. I should have held him more and hugged him more when I knew he was hurting. Even now, four years later, I am at work and I can't stop crying. I mean crying out loud, tears and boo - whooing.
"So those of you that think this gets any easier, it just doesn't...I MEAN...it just doesn't."
I don't care how old they get, hold onto your children. Never close the door on them for any reason. No matter what. Yes, we were going through a lot as a family with what he was going through but if I could do it all again, I would never close the door to helping him, NEVER - because sometimes tough love is too rough on those who are having their weakest moments. I learned this the hard way.
Thank you for reading this and I hope this helps someone or anyone who's child is unhappy, suicidal, imprisoned, heartbroken, an addict, or having any serious problems.
My other surviving children are fine. They are smart, healthy and they seem happy because they are thriving and doing well in everything they do. My oldest son is no longer here and I know it must still really hurt my other children because it still kills me just to think of him. Hold on to the other children. Even if you are hurting, try not to let them see you ache because it hurts them more to see you hurting so much.
They want to see you laughing and smiling and enjoying life with them. They may even hide to have their cries because they prefer if you did this too. No one wants to remember the loss...believe me but you must remember so have a good cry and then wash your face, brush yourself off and go hug your other children.
My heart is with you...
and 2 member cents.
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