You are using an outdated version. Writing will not be shown properly in many cases. Click here to use the current version.
Fast! Three Questions.
Already a member?
| Category: || General Script |
Posted:|| February 11, 2019 Views: 103|
Super Bowl Sunday
"Scenes from a Marriage, Vol. 24"
by Mark Valentine
SCENE: The Valentine house. Mark has just come up from the basement. His wife Maggie is in the kitchen.
MARK: (proudly) Let all who dwell here pay me homage for I have done wondrous deeds!
MAGGIE: Your mom’s asleep.
MARK: Well then I guess it’s just you.
MAGGIE: I should pay you homage?
MARK: For I have done wondrous deeds.
MAGGIE: What deeds would those be?
MARK: I have brought light to the dark places.
MAGGIE: Tell me more.
MARK: I installed a new light fixture in the basement.
MARK: In the laundry room.
MAGGIE: Don’t we already have a light there?
MARK: There’s that small, pull-chain fixture over the washer, but I installed a fluorescent light in the corner where the ironing board is.
MAGGIE: We have an ironing board?
MARK: Yes. We also have a vacuum cleaner and an oven.
MAGGIE: Get out!
MARK: No, it’s true! How do you think I make all those meals?
MAGGIE: I guess I never stopped to think of it before. Anyway, what else did you do?
MARK: What do you mean?
MAGGIE: Besides installing the light, what else did you do? You said you did wondrous deeds.
MARK: It just sounds better in the plural.
MAGGIE: Is this light electric?
MARK: As opposed to kerosene? Yes, it’s electric. Why do you ask?
MAGGIE: It’s just that … you’re not…
MARK: A real man?
MAGGIE: I was going to say an electrician.
MARK: It’s not rocket science. It works just fine.
MAGGIE: I was just recalling…
MARK: I know the ‘Ceiling Fan Incident of 2004’. You’re never going to let go of that, are you?
MAGGIE: You almost killed our daughter.
MARK: She was fine. Her hair grew back.
MAGGIE: To this day she won’t touch a light switch.
MARK: In a year or so she won’t have to. All that stuff is gonna be voice activated. Anyway, I followed a YouTube instructional video to install this light. Back in 2004, they didn’t have YouTube videos. They’ve got YouTube videos for everything now. You can learn how to fly a plane on YouTube.
MAGGIE: You should make a YouTube video.
MARK: I know, right?
MAGGIE: What do you know how to do that you could teach?
MAGGIE: Anyway, I’m not gonna die if I turn on the light?
MARK: Probably not, but just to be on the safe side maybe you shouldn’t do any ironing for a while.
MAGGIE: Good safety tip – thanks.
Mark goes into the living room and turns on the television. Maggie follows him in.
MAGGIE: You’re gonna watch the game?
MARK: It’s the Super Bowl. It’s required watching. Don’t you want to watch it?
MAGGIE: No. I can’t stand Tom Brady.
MAGGIE: Because he’s Tom Brady. Everybody hates him.
MARK: All women hate him. I think it’s reaction formation. In reality they’re afraid of how much they’re attracted to him
MAGGIE: Not me. I’m afraid of how much I’m attracted to you.
MARK: Nice try. Don’t think that you can slip that kind of sarcasm by me. I have a PhD in sarcasm.
MAGGIE: Maybe that could be the topic of your YouTube video?
MARK: Now you’re talking.
Mark gets up and walks away.
MAGGIE: Where are you going?
MARK: To the bathroom.
MAGGIE: Your bathroom is upstairs.
MARK: But this bathroom is right here and nobody’s using it. Besides, I’m not gonna drop a deuce – just a quick pee.
MAGGIE: I know. That’s the problem. You always get pee on the floor.
MARK: No I don’t. What are you talking about?
MAGGIE: There’s always pee on the floor after you use the bathroom.
MARK: No there isn’t. That must be Dave.
MAGGIE: Dave’s been back in New York for a month now.
MARK: Well then maybe it’s you.
MAGGIE: I don’t think that’s possible.
MARK: Why not?
MAGGIE: Do you even know how women pee?
MARK: No, but I’m sure there’s a YouTube video for that.
Mark starts to search on his phone
MARK: Wow – there are thousands of them. Says here I have to turn off our safe search filter though. Look! Here’s one with Donald Trump!
MAGGIE: You’re an idiot.
MARK: Idiot or not, I know how to pee. I promise to pee in the toilet. Do you want to watch?
MAGGIE: If you get so much as one drop of pee on that floor, I swear I’ll…
MARK: You’ll what?
MARK: Hard to go on strike when you don’t work, isn’t it?
MAGGIE: I have other leverage.
MARK: What? You’ll withhold sex? Goodness, how would I ever survive?
MAGGIE: And there’s your famous sarcasm. Be sure to include that one in your video.
MARK: I shall. Anyway, I promise I’ll be careful.
Mark closes the bathroom door.
MARK (loudly so Maggie can hear through the closed door): I’m peeing into the toilet now. Nothing’s going on the floor. See, what did I tell you? Oh, wait, spoke too soon… a few drops just landed on the floor to the right of the toilet…
MAGGIE: STOP RIGHT NOW!
MARK: …and now there’s a couple more. Holy cow, now the pee is just going everywhere! Oh my God - it’s splashing against the wall -- this is horrific – I think some just splashed on your toothbrush OH, THE HUMANITY!
(Mark comes out of the bathroom, smiling)
MAGGIE: And now I have to divorce you. We almost made it to twenty five years. Such a shame.
MARK: Think of the money we’ll save on a fancy dinner.
MAGGIE: I get the car. You can have the house.
MARK: I don’t want the house – there’s pee all over the bathroom floors. Who would want to live like that? We can work out the details later – the game’s about to start.
MAGGIE: I’m going upstairs. Call me at halftime. Maroon 5 is performing. Maybe Adam Levine will take his shirt off.
Story of the Month contest entry
and 2 member cents.
© Copyright 2016.
All rights reserved.
has granted FanStory.com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.
|You need to login or register to write reviews.|
It's quick! We only ask four questions to new members.
Interested in posting your own writing online? Click here to find out more.
Write a story or poem and submit your work to receive reviews on your writing. Publish short stories on our book writing site and enter the monthly contests. Guaranteed reviews for everything you write and you will be ranked. Information.