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 Category:  Commentary and Philosophy Non-Fiction
  Posted: July 7, 2017      Views: 60

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It?s been such a very long time since I?ve logged in. I have been in a kind of mourning for my writing. It started as a writer?s block. I don?t know anyone who hasn?t experienced that. But, mine carried on for too long. Months then years went by and - more...

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Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.
This work has reached the exceptional level
What its like living with your own ghosts.
"Running with Demons" by Deejharrington

I am not at all sure where this post is "going." It has been so long since I've felt that lovely tingle that signals an inspiration to write. I assumed my Muse was dead and buried a long time ago. I guess she was on life-support. I'm not planning the party just yet. It could be she is rallying one last time before going tits up.

The theme that has been jogging through my brain since about four a.m. is fear. I don't mean that uneasy feeling when you know you are fifteen minutes late for your doctor's appointment. Or the feeling as you stand in line at the grocery store when you realize your checking account balance is a little light. No, it's not even the foreboding when the phone rings in the middle of the night.

The kind of fear I mean is the full body panic I have lived with all my life. Some days, I can keep it restrained so I am not hiding in a corner of a dark closet. You probably wouldn't even recognize it if we were sharing a cup of coffee. My closest friends and relatives have only seen the symptoms. I have turned down invitations with vague excuses of migraines or back pain. When in truth, I hadn't left my house for days. I can happily go for weeks with conversations only with my cats. When pressed into conversing with strangers, I tend to mumble my words. I have a difficult time looking people in the eye. I will look at the empty space just beyond you.

People close to me very rarely see the anxiety/panic on the inside. You know the feelings and reactions you have after a close call on the highway? The rush of adrenaline? The out of body experience? The shakes after you realize what almost happened? Yup, the anxiety/panic attacks feel like all of those plus a good dose of paranoia.

Are there deep-seated emotions or life experiences that are causes for this? Maybe, but I have decided that the past is just that, the past. You have to accept it and move on. After years of delving into the history of me, I'm tired. Now I just want to feel safe and comfortable.

I stated in the beginning, I wasn't sure where this post was headed. About half way through I developed a migraine. So if it reads a little disjointed, I apologize. My hope is that what I've shared will shine some light into the shadows living with anxiety/panic. If not, well, at least I got it off my chest.


Author Notes
As tempting as it is, please refrain from being a "Monday morning quarterback." Yes, I am on medication; have been for decades. Yes and yes, I've seen "someone." I have been to doctors, psychiatrists, and councilors. Some have been wonderful and enlightening. Others have been their own brand of nightmares. But that is another long story, for another time.
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