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Posted:|| November 28, 2019 Views: 38|
one scene script WL = Wonderful Life
"Scene at a Christmas Shop 6 WL"
by Bill Schott
Ned: I'm more a burden than any thin' else. If I weren't aroun', Maw'd be better off.
DED: (Heavy sigh). Sleep, Ned.
Ned falls asleep, falls backwards off the bench, and onto a bag of styrofoam peanuts, which shoot up, along with a balloon on a string, and settle back down.
DED = Death
Ned = You know Ned; right?
Mrs. Knuckeled (Maw) = Ned's maw
Otto = Ned's pap
Mrs. Maninoff (Mom) = Pons' mom
Mr. Maninoff (Dad) = Pons' dad
Doc = obstetrician
Baby = new born Pons
Pons = Ned's friend
Scene opens in a hospital room with two beds. Ned's mother is in the left bed, Pons' mother in the right bed, with a doctor standing between them. Ned and Ded enter from the left, as two other men, Otta, Ned's father, and Rock, Pons' father, enter from the right.
Ned: Didn't know I was sick nuff ta be in the hopspital. Looks purdy crowded.
DED: This is the night you would have been born, Ned. That's your mother there (points at the first bed) and your aunt (indicates the other bed).
Ned: Oh yeah. I 'member Maw said me an' Pons was borned on the same day and we stayt in the same room what Pons an' his maw was in.
Maw: (Calling to her husband) I'm so sorry, Otto. The doctor says I weren't never wit child.
Otto: (Crossing over downstage of the right bed and doctor to the right of Maw's bed) We're hitched 'cause you said you was havin' a kid.
Doc: Your wife had what is known as an hysterical pregnancy.
Otto: It's hysterical a'right. Looks like the jokes on me.
Maw: I swear I thunk I were in a motherly way, Otto.
Otto: Women're jis alla time trappin' men. We'll ya ain't keepin' me, woman. I'm gone! (Quickly exits the way he entered)
Ned: What the hickory farms is goin' on, Maw? (addressing his mother who is unaware of him)
DED: She is unaware of you, Ned. You see -- you were never born.
Dad: How is my wonderful wife and mother of my child? (addressing both his wife and the doctor)
Doc: Both mother and child are in good health. Mrs. Maninoff expressed this bundle of joy in record time. He was born with a full set of teeth and severed his own umbilical cord with them.
Baby: Goo goo. My name is Pons.
DED: You are injecting your great fondness for your cousin into this dream, Ned. I hardly think Pons could speak at birth, let alone assist in the delivery.
Ned: I think Pons is supra smart. His maw is a doctor a shycology an' his pap is a rocket surgeon.
DED: Of course, Ned. They are quite impressive. You admire them as you do your cousin and friend Pons. However, what you could not appreciate is how you affected Pons' life.
Ned: Pons hung 'round wit me 'cause his maw told'm to. Eventual though, we had lots a fun tagetter.
The scene goes dark except for Ded and Ned.
DED: Yes, I see. However, Ned, you were never born. Pons won't have you in his life.
Ned: Then he might git ta be a astra-nut er sumptin. Not haftin' ta keep me from lickin' light bulb sockets er checkin' ta see iffn a chain saw's blades was spinnin' by touchin'm.
DED: My word! Pons saved you from cutting off your fingers?
Ned: Yeah, 'ceptin' this li'l bit on my tall man.
DED: (Shaking his hooded head) It is amazing that we have not closed a deal with you already, Ned. (Then turning Ned's attention to Pons' and his parents, now appearing in a kitchen scene as Mrs. Maninoff studies a cook book standing next to an electric mixer. Mr. Maninoff is in a straightback chair working with a slide rule.) Now, to the Maninoff family.
Ned: Looky there. Pons' maw is mixin' up a cake. She usta make cookies an' cakes fer Pons and me. That's win she weren't shycologin', acourse. Pons daddy were so smart, he usta move a stick back and fort, like he's doin' there, an' figger what way ta fly ta the moon.
Maw: (Scene returns to Ned's mother on the opposite side of the scene. She is in a small apartment and speakingon the phone ) Yesser, I'm callin' 'bout a job as a waitress at yer bus'ness. Yesser, I am twenty-two years old. Uh - er - yes, I am in good shape. No, no -- I couldn't do no dancin'. I kin wait on tables an' warsh dishes. Yesser, I need money, but I caint do nothin' like that there. What? It pays how much? Why, that's a lot more'n washin' dishes. But -- I jis couldn't do no dancin' in front a people like that. What? Private parties? I dunno 'bout -- sure. I'll come o'er and talk 'bout it.
Ned: Now there ain't nothin' 'bout that there convertsa -- conseersazi--- what she were sayin that I liked. Maw caint git no job dancin'. She's my maw.
DED: She has no children, Ned. She does have a reputation perpetuated by the gentleman, term used loosely, who would have been your sire. He has been quite cruel in his demonization of his former wife, now annulled.
Ned: Well, I'll give Pap a good talkin' to when I see 'em agin in the by an' by. Now I gotta stop Maw from takin' a dancin' job.
DED: You were never born, Ned. She isn't your mother. You have no father. Their connection is her apparent lie and his vengence.
The scene in the kitchen with Pons' parents resumes. Enter Pons as a ten-year old. His mother is still by the mixer, her attention is on her husband who still has the slide rule. She doesn't see Pons pull a frog from his pocket.
Mom: Rock, darling. Haven't you performed enough mathematical calculations already?
Dad: (Looking up at his wife with a surprised look) It will NEVER be enough, until MANKIND walks on the face of the MOON, Muriel! The MOON!
Mom: That occurred forty years ago, Rock. You know this. Weren't you working up equations for the launch from the moon to the Jupiter moon IO?
Pons: (Tosses the frog into the running mixing bowl) Dad still think he's a rocket scientist?
Mom: He was an aerospace engineer, Pons. He's just a bit confused lately.
Pons: Sure. Hey, no cake for me. By the way, Muriel, are you ever going to actually bake a cake?
Mom: Don't call me Muriel, Pons. It's disrespectful.
Pons: Okay, Muriel. You know, you and George Jetson there make a great couple.
Mom: Pons! You will have to go to your room until you learn respect for your parents.
Pons: Sure, Muriel. Maybe I'll go visit Otto Knuckeled. I'm sure he knows how to treat you; right?
Pons mother begins crying and runs past her husband, knocking his slide rule out of his hands.
Dad: Jeez Louise, Muriel! You could have caused a catastrophy in space!
Pons, chuckling and shaking his head, turns the mixer off, picks the bowl of batter up, gets a spoon out of a drawer, and gives the two items to his father.
Pons: Eat up, Rock. Muriel made you some space food.
Pons' father smiles and begins eating the froggy batter with the spoon.
Ned: I caint bel -- I caint believe what I'ma seein'. Why is li'l ten-year-old Pons so dang mean?
DED: One might argue that he had no one around to play with or confide in, Ned. Perhaps he needed someone to care for in order to develop a sense of empathy.
Ned: Y'mean, 'cause I weren't born, my maw starts dancin' in a nudey bar, Pons is a punk, HIS maw is a ditzy kinda lady what might be seein' my pap on the side, BUT, his daddy is completedly undefected an' is still a space sciencetist.
DED: That is -- mostly correct.
Ned: That's worser than win I was aborned; right?
DED: That is indeed the thrust here, Ned. By Jove, I think he's got it.
Ned: (Looks around) Who ya talkin' to, Ded?
To be continued...
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