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 Category:  Humor Fiction
  Posted: August 15, 2020      Views: 147

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Once upon a time I was harsh but time has worn me down and taught me; empathy is not a weakness. ~ Jack (Elchupakabra)

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This work has reached the exceptional level
My first ever script meant for a stage.
"The Original Covidiot" by elchupakabra

The Original Covidiot



TOM LAWSON: Shop owner. A tall, thin man with a wisp of auburn hair, sallow cheeks and piercing green eyes. He is very clean and well kept, as is his shop.

GEORGE HENRY: Client. A short, stubby, red headed man with a boisterous attitude and a short temper.


A small, high end suit shop owned by Mr. Lawson in New York City. The shop is incredibly neat and tidy.


The year is 1918, summertime.


Mr. Lawson tends to his shop, cleaning meticulously. He fastidiously fusses over every detail, using a lint brush to clean off the sleeves of the suits, running over to the shoes with a feather duster so as to ensure they are shining their brightest, so on and so forth. The bell above the shop door chimes as a customer walks in.


LAWSON: What are you doing here? (looks at Mr Henry concerningly)

HENRY: (Mr Henry looks perplexed) What do you mean, what am I doing here? I’m here to buy some shoes. Is this how you greet all of your customers?

LAWSON: Well, the shop is closed, sir.

HENRY: Then why was the door open?

LAWSON: I’m cleaning my shop. I may not be taking customers at this time, but it’s important to me that I keep up appearances.

HENRY: Well, if you’re here, why can’t you just serve me then?

LAWSON: We’re in a pandemic, sir. What are you doing out shoe shopping at a time like this? In my shop no less, with nothing to cover up your face. I say, sir, are you spifflicated?

HENRY: How dare you! I would never. Why would I need to cover my face?

LAWSON: You should be wearing a mask, sir, as recommended by the American Medical Association. It’s recommended that you wear one if you insist on being out and about at a time like this.

HENRY: Have you seen those masks? Pish posh, those germ shields are so thick and bulky I can hardly breathe, and they make my skin crawl. Anyways, you don’t believe all that hullabaloo about the flu now do you? Why, I’m strong as an ox, even if I got the flu, I would survive. Do you think you would not?

LAWSON: Well those doctors sure seem to know their onions, and besides, it’s not about whether I survive should I get sick or not. How could I live with myself if my dear old mum had to take the big sleep if I got her sick by accident?

HENRY: I understand that but I’m not sick. (Makes a gesture of looking around the shop) Besides, we’re the only ones in here.

LAWSON: That doesn’t matter. I may have considered serving you sir, but if you don’t at least have a mask to wear, I’ll have to ask you to leave.

HENRY: Now wait a minute, I’m an American, I have rights you know! This is a free country.

LAWSON: Oh, is it now? I didn’t realize that. Would you step over here a moment then sir?

Mr. HENRY walks over to Mr. LAWSON. Mr. LAWSON holds up his hands, indicating to Mr. HENRY to stop approximately a meter away from him. He positions himself a bit further back from Mr. HENRY but so they both appear in the mirror together.

LAWSON: Ah, ah. That’s close enough now I think. Now please, (gestures to the fitting mirror) look over in this direction for me. What do you see?

HENRY: Well, I see a mirror.

LAWSON: Right, sir, smart as a whip you are. Now, in the mirror next to you?

HENRY: Well… it’s you.

LAWSON: Right again, sir! You’re on a roll today. Now, let me ask you one last question. Do I look more or less American than you do, sir?

HENRY: What?

LAWSON: Do I not look American, sir?

HENRY: Well, of course. Why, are you not really an American?

LAWSON: But of course I am sir, which is why my rights matter just as much as yours do. Now please, it is time for you to leave the store.

HENRY: You’re really being very ridiculous. Don’t you know we have stuff in the body to fight infections? If you wear a mask, how are you supposed to develop an immunity to the flu?

LAWSON: Do your feet often hurt when you walk, sir?

HENRY: What? No.

LAWSON: Well, do you walk around barefoot, sir?

HENRY: Of course not, what kind of question is that? That’s why I came here in the first place, to buy some new shoes. I’m not some kind of dewdropper.

LAWSON: Well, sir, if you wear protection on your feet for walking, why does it bother you so much to protect your face from a virus?

HENRY: You’re insane! (gesticulating wildly, shouting) This is total malarkey, you’ve lost my business forever! I’ll tell all of my friends as well never to shop here!

LAWSON: I am truly devastated, sir.

HENRY: Why I never…

Mr HENRY turns to stomp out of the shop. Before leaving, Mr HENRY whips around.


HENRY: This whole idea of wearing a mask is ridiculous by the way, it doesn’t even work. If I farted with a mask on my arse, you’d still be able to smell it. (he looks pleased with himself, smirking)

LAWSON: While that may be true, sir, I beg of you, allow me one final query. If I was sitting on your lap, should I have occasion to break wind, would you not prefer I be wearing trousers?

HENRY: Ohh, applesauce! (huffs furiously, turns and exits the shop)

Mr. LAWSON smiles and continues cleaning away.


Write A Script contest entry


Author Notes
I normally write scripts for movies/television, however, this one is meant to be performed on stage. It is a short, humorous piece, reflecting on how as much as time changes all things, history repeats itself. No offense meant, just a funny interaction between an unruly customer and a sarcastic shop owner.

1920's slang terms

spifflicated - drunk
germ shield - mask
know their onions - are very knowledgeable
the big sleep - death
dewdropper - a young unemployed man who sleeps all day
applesauce - a 1920's expletive (LOL)

*Shoutout to Lobber for some helpful edits.

Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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