Infatuation is still an actualization in this relationship and the knowing it...
is the ooomph that keeps the fire burning,
but it's the in and out of love and the in and out of un - love
that has me losing my mind and wanting to swing from vines through jungles away from you,
knowing how truly I love you and love to hate you,
knowing that your controlling is the source of your content
and that the spent days that I loathe your ways and your ignorance of me
has me vigorously arriving to the deciding that enough is enough,
and in time I may choose to lose again thereby making loss the ultimate boss
of most of my life decisions, which has me thinking, but then...
Shameful recognition rushes in my mind of all the times I let "abusive" rule my life,
trying to be that woman or that wife who would submit totally to your control of me
and giving in to that dominating hold on me,
but your conditions always had more conditions and those conditions
were dependent on your suspicions that only made you crazier than you are,
yet so far...there is still no faith just more tests added to tests
I could never pass in the first place due to your lack of faith and trust in me.
Yet my pathetic only becomes more pathetic as long as I keep letting it get the best of me,
with wasteful...I love you's that are the whispers of those words never said again
in true meaning, leaving me feening for useless conversations, really arguments
just waiting to happen, and hey - there is also the wishful-ness of the hopeful
that today this un-love may feel more like love and you may say something to me
that may sound like you are actually changing your ways...but no...
I get angry words that hurt, are full of dirt and loathing,
owning disgust, full of the fuss and the loss of lust.
And it's the tongue lashing, bashing my confidence, lashing away at my self worth
that has me asking, "What am I worth if I am not worthy of compassion,
that which moves to action only those who actually have compassion?"
But you don't!...
I gulp, then I sulk due to your unbroken silence, your defiance that controls my presence
or absence, then I fade into the elegance of the irrelevance that I have become used to ,
without complaint I reacquaint myself with feeling unwanted and unloved then I shrug off
my indifference about it while wrapping myself in a comforter like shawl of lonely,
I snuggle up into the warmly of the only bed that has become mine for months,
away from you, where you seem to want me.
What were you thinking? If you feed me these feelings that are so familiar
then why would you find it so peculiar that I would reject these feelings
or simply not accept them?
You could never ease pain by giving more pain,
You could never un-crush what is already crushed,
You cannot say it was all a mistake and then simply try to-
undo, un-ring, unsay, or even un-break...for goodness sake.
Please un-tire me of forgiving your unhappy evils that you constantly seem to deem
appropriate for no reason, always staying in a bad mood just to prove
that you could be more rude than I could...
Yet... I still don't get or understand
the repetitions of these kind of competitions,
who could hurt who the worst, who could stop speaking to who first,
but no thirst could ever be quenched with such madness.
So yes, today I find myself arriving to the deciding to choose to lose again
to protect my heart from aching, thereby making loss the ultimate boss
of most of my life decisions, including those counted divorces,
my numbered sources of disrupt that I summed up as or with all other countless losses,
which also forces my heart into safe mode and into remembering those cold ,
heartless goodbyes while allowing them to stare into my taught to stay dry eyes,
because I can do that when I'm through, it's just that for some reason
I am just not through with you, but will I ever be?
Because you drive me crazy and just maybe that fact that we both are crazy,
is the maybe that keeps our love strong, yet it is the wrong that we have in common.
The common is what God saw even in the embryos of us and in the serenity of our
mother's wombs. From there we were groomed from a distance and with God's insistence
we were finally drawn together:
the way the ocean's waves rush into the shore's edge,
the way the mighty eagle soars to land upon the mountain's ledge,
with such sureness
as the sunrise and as the sunset colors the skies
with such sureness
as the bird has wings and with its wings it flies.
Who are we to dare despise or minimize what God decides?
If I was made for you and you were made for me,
then shouldn't we just let it be eternally
or until death do us part?
But please... don't tempt me and please stop testing me,
it only makes me more stand uppy and yucky and I miss feeling as lucky as I did
when first I realized the splendor that is you...
and you said that you feel and felt the same way too,
giving in to giving up only undermines or interrupts what God said would be.
So desperately and impetuously let us do whatever we must do to prove
that we are less hopeless than what God now sees.
Let us just be the we that I am hoping in,
and yes, I am still hoping in our love
I am still hoping to remain hopeful,
in our...hopeless but hopeful love...
(recent photo of us, (aging nicely, huh) January 2016, last year)
feening - internet slang word for craving, wanting really badly, Feening is an acronym, abbreviation or slang word.
No - really, this is a loving, love letter to my husband. Yes, another one of those angry wedding anniversary poems, that he loves so much...I will write the really nice one on the date of our anniversary, July 30, 2017 and then I will post it.
First let me say that I hope that since I posted this poem, you will not see me as some weak person who has no self esteem or self respect and is staying with a man who does not love me. This is not true at all. Most of you do not really know me so believe me there is so much more to it than what i am saying in this poem. I am a very smart and strong woman, who knows when I have reached my limit.
I know it does not sound like we are really happy - but we are. We went through all of the head games, the silent treatments and the tug of war with our hearts. Yet I know that these behaviors have no place in a happy and loving marriage. I keep saying though that my husband is the "Me man, you woman - cave man" sort of guy so I had to teach him, sternly but lovingly, how to treat me like the queen that I am. Sometimes you will meet that person of your dreams who will need to make some changes. My husband, he gets it now so we are working it out and staying together...no matter what...
Come on we all know that no marriage is perfect and no man or woman is perfect either. We all know also that God never intended for marriage to end up in divorce. In fact He hates divorce.(Malachi 2:16) and He expects us to keep our marriage vows which are a promise before Him and to Him. Each spouse must do their utmost to make the marriage work...try, try, try...
And yes, our love is a crazy love but I guess that's what keeps it so interesting.