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Reviews from
Diamond in The Rough -- Part II


A continuing story of a

  22 total reviews 
Comment by
Turtle... who?
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  51
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  Rank:  277
 
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Rating of Chapter 2 -
God Works In Mysterious Ways
Hi Carol

Have I mentioned this is my favorite story line to read from you. I usually start it and keep to the edge of my seat to know what happened next. The story itself is very engaging, and I smile, and I get angry, and worried as I go through what went on.

I don't find the voice of the story distracting, but I think if you do ever go back through edits, as time goes on, though it's difficult cause you seem so connected with the story... as that makes sense!, ... take a stab at the 'was' as there are a lot of them. Sometimes it looks like some sentences can be connected together with a but, or, and to smooth out some of the ideas to a continuous flow here and there, but I didn't find it hampering to me.




"Mommy...Mommy(.)or(!)" Johnny's infectious laugh and wonderful smile tugged at my heartstrings


Darryl was standing close to the door, eager to chime in.
(stood)


Johnny's mom is here to pick him up, not (to) hear all your commotion."


The staff was smiling at us.
"Are you growing like Jack(-)in(-)the(-)Beanstalk?"
(not even fifty percent sure on this one... something to check on though?)


I never got tired of his(Johnny's) happy smile.

(lost track of Johnny, as you had just wrote a sentence previous about Larry, so 'his' was muddled)

Ever since Johnny was very small, he would wake up very early in the morning.
(double very? maybe remove one? Maybe instead of small, young? those were mostly random thoughts I had after I read the sentence)


"You know how John likes to talk to himself in the mornings." I sighed, relieved the problem was his talking, nothing more serious.

(lost track of who is speaking here... it's the staffers speaking, but due to the I sighed, it makes it look like 'I' was speaking)

My anger was reaching boiling point in sixty seconds flat.
(reached is stronger here, lets the anger reach aggressive instead of passive)

Greg and you might have had an understanding, but Greg is no long(er) here.


My face was hot.
(My face felt hot) opportunity to squash a 'was'



 Comment Written 23-Aug-2009



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
    turtlestage

    I think as of recently the was thing is starting to sink into my head. I find it must be a manner in my speaking..the was and the thats...Now, if given the time, I either catch myself or I can usually catch it when I go back. John and I took a ride on a paddleboat down the river with his grandparents today. I'm still amazed at the things he does. Thanks for reading and I really do appreciate the corrections. I need to make time and force meptember...my grandson died one year ago...and then maybe I will do it. Thanks for having patience with my errors. Always your friend, Carol
Comment by
Turtle... who?
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  51
Review Stars
  Rank:  277
 
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Rating of Chapter 1 -
Who's smarter than who?
I enjoyed reading this, this storyline is my fav of yours.
Nice imagery, and lots of events full of emotion.

The middle was a shock to me, as Micheal was unknown until he was gone, so I thought there could be so much more to write to build up to the points unfolding, but maybe eventually?

Other than that, here's my typical babble...

My anger was bubbling

(My anger bubbled) would be stronger in this intense moment.

The tears were streaming down my face and I refused to allow Dr. Pennington the satisfaction of knowing the pain he had caused.

The tears (streamed) down my face, and (yet) I refused to


My palms were sweaty. A glass of ice water, partially melted, was sitting(sat) on the table in from of me

I'd been told over 60% of the children at RocVale rarely(,) if ever(,) saw their families

A boy was pounding on the window as we approached the door.

(pounded)

My heart was pounding.
(pounded)

The words tumbled from his mouth. (Cool image, I liked this sentence lots)

I stayed until dinnertime, watching Johnny, Darryl and Peter interacting together
(interacting, to interact with?)

A lot of people for one twelve year old (twelve-year-old)

"When it's dinner time, what's your job?'(") I waited while he thought for a moment.


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2009



reply by the author on 19-Aug-2009
    Turtlestage I was surprised to see that you were reading from my portfolio about John. When I was writing those chapters, it was difficult and I didn't go back to rewrite...probably because you weren't around to urge me to do so. Thank you for reading them because they mean so much to me...John just turned 41 and I can still hear them telling me to lock him away...They were so wrong!

    Emotionally, even though I am glad I didn't listen to them, I still cry when I think how many other parents probably did. Thanks again for proofing for me and I will certainly do my best to fix them asap. C

    Carol
Comment by
shygirl21
 
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Rating of Chapter 4 -
With Only Seconds To Go!
"Remember how we got here...."

Before Coach York could continue, Tony, sporting his blue jersey number 9, yelled out, "On the bus, Coach, don't you remember?" - Loved this bit, really made me laugh!

Awesome chapter! Full of laughs and excitement and anticipation, I really felt a part of it!

Pamela


 Comment Written 11-Aug-2009



reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
    Pamela

    These stories are about my son, John. They are very special to me so I am glad you enjoyed them. Thanks for the review!

    Carol
Comment by
shygirl21
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 3 -
It's Not Always About Winning!
This was absolutely beautiful! The imagery and description was perfect, I felt like I was standing on the sidelines of this day (and actually really wish I had been.

I love the spirit you American's have and your level of patriotism, its really very moving. I love how you describe the crowd singing the national anthem and can just imagine the raw energy sparked from it. People in Britain just aren't that passionate about their country; I don't even know the words to God Save the Queen, but I know most of them to Flower of Scotland, but I am a Scot and we tend to be a bit more fiery about our country lmao. I reckon I must have been an American in my last life, hearing Star Spangled Banner always makes me want to cry (seriously lol) and I feel like I'm gonna bust lol.

A strange and oddly morbid coincidence, moments before reading this chapter I hit the refresh button on my Twitter page and a Tweet from Elaine Brown popped up :sad news of Eunice Kennedy's death: as founder of Special Olympics, sports for people with learning disabilities, she leaves a great legacy.

Weird, huh? We need more people like her in this world.

Anyway, great, awesome, fab & wonderful chapter (just like always)

Pamela


 Comment Written 11-Aug-2009



reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
    Pamela

    OMG, I knew she'd been ill, but I had been at the computer all morning, missed the news. That's really tragic. She did some wonderful things for wonderful people, my son included.

    I too get emotional when I hear the Star Spangled Banner. It has a way of humbling the meanest and biggest bad ass. I consider myself luck to have been born in the good ole USA.

    Thanks for the awesome review. You were really busy this morning reading my stuff. I appreciate it and your comments, considering how much I love your writing.

    Thanks again and have a great day! Carol

reply by shygirl21 on 11-Aug-2009
    Yeah I've been feeling really bad cause I've been so neglectful on my reviewing, my inbox was chockablock with new writings, it took a while to get the time off from son/husband/writing/life etc lmao but glad I got the chance, I love reading other peoples work.
Comment by
MJMuraco
 
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Excellent
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Rating of Chapter 3 -
It's Not Always About Winning!
Your story is so well written and has so much emotion. I could feel the excitement and picture the scene perfectly. You used very good description and dialogue. Nice job.


 Comment Written 05-Aug-2009



reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
    MJMuraco

    I am so glad that you enjoyed the story. I appreciate your comments. Carol
Comment by
allinmyhead
 
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Rating of Chapter 4 -
With Only Seconds To Go!
A very sweet story. I was pleased to see that the coach's words about everyone getting a chance to play were real. He pulled John but his reasons were sound and he put him back in the game. I was expecting the story to take a turn right about there with the coach putting winning ahead of the lessons he was trying to teach the kids.
Nice upbeat ending.

Some tiny suggestions:
"...and no verbal yelling." I would change this to simply "no yelling at the other players" or "no verbal abuse". Verbal yelling just seems redundant.
I think it would be correct to capitalize Number when used as the Number 10 jersey.


 Comment Written 05-Aug-2009



reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
    allinmyhead

    Thanks for the comments. The coach was truly great and John learned a great deal from him. Of course, being the proud mom, I couldn't help but be thrilled that they won the game. Thanks again Carol
Comment by
Summer Falls
 
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Rating of Chapter 3 -
It's Not Always About Winning!
Hi Carol! You captured the true essence of what winning is...the innocent joy of friendship, hardship and loving things these kids do for each other. I love the descriptive scene of the race, the kids and the proud parents.
You have me smiling.
Summer


 Comment Written 04-Aug-2009



reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
    Summer I'm so glad you enjoyed it. These stories are about my son, John, and some very special moments in our life. Thanks for reading and for the nice comments. Carol
Comment by
Sue_Angel
 
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Rating of Chapter 3 -
It's Not Always About Winning!
What a sweet story and positive message! I like the present tense you used for writing this chapter as it gives an immediacy to the action.

Good job.
Susan


 Comment Written 04-Aug-2009



reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
    Susan Thanks for the kind review. I greatly appreciate your comments. Carol
Comment by
eliz100
Premier Author
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  426
 
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Rating of Chapter 4 -
With Only Seconds To Go!
This was a great read the tension of the game kept me engaged until the very end. Is this the same John from the Special Olympics? I do not see any SPAG's.


 Comment Written 03-Aug-2009



reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
    Yes...These are stories about my son. He was suppose to die at 4 months,. They told me to lock him up at 4 years. Surprise...Professionals don't always know everything. I believe I had God on my side. Carol

reply by eliz100 on 03-Aug-2009
    YES YES YES!
Comment by
eliz100
Premier Author
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  426
 
Excellent
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Rating of Chapter 3 -
It's Not Always About Winning!
This is a well-written heart warming story. You describe the kids and Special Olympics in such a way that I felt like I was there. I do not see any SPAG's.


 Comment Written 03-Aug-2009



reply by the author on 03-Aug-2009
    Eliz John has shown his big heart over and over through the years. I have been blessed many times. Thanks for the review. Carol
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