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Reviews from
The Sacrifice


A nobody becomes somebody when he helps someboy

  7 total reviews 
Comment by
Gladness
 
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Excellent
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Rating of Chapter 20 -
A Setback
Very good writing. I found no flaws and it keeps the reader's interest throughout. You put a good hook at the end to keep the pages turning. Two thumbs up!
Anita


 Comment Written 21-Apr-2013



reply by the author on 21-Apr-2013
    Thanks Anita. Your continued reading and encouragement is appreciated. YBIC, Dennis
Comment by
kcross11
 
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Excellent
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Rating of Chapter 20 -
A Setback
how are you feeling(?) I understand

(")It sounds great. I really would like

Of course, I never like stories that make nurses sound like sloths and bad guys, but I do like the twist you put in here :) You aren't going to kill him off, are you? I'd have an issue with that.


 Comment Written 19-Apr-2013



reply by the author on 19-Apr-2013
    I think I only made the administrators look bad...I would heartily agree that you have issues...:) Thanks for your input it will be given all the attention it deserves...LOL D
Comment by
GE Parson
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  Rank:  173
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  Rank:  62
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Review Stars
  Rank:  133
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 20 -
A Setback
What a periffic (You will find this word only in G.E.Parson's Book of Words) story writer you are! It's getting more interesting by the chapter. Looking forward t the next chapter. Also anxious to see what he does with his inheritance. Bro. Jerry
BTW Did my songs come through?


 Comment Written 19-Apr-2013



reply by the author on 19-Apr-2013
    I got your songs but the volume is too low for me as my external speakers are not working. The kitties have been chewing the wires under my desk! The lap top has a speaker but my hearing is so bad said speaker is not good enough. What I can make out sounds excellent and I think we should have more songs about the Rapture! Thanks for the 6 star review! Working on speakers!

reply by GE Parson on 19-Apr-2013
    Well I am glad it worked. I'm not the smartest computor man in the store, so I wasn't sure if I even got it through.

    I am in the same league as you when it comes to hearing. I wrote a poem about Grampa and His Hwaring Problems.
    Trust y'all have a blessed week end -Jerry
Comment by
4hisglory
 
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Rating of Chapter 20 -
A Setback
Doesn't sound like a very good hospital to me. Those patients should be checked on every couple hours at least. Well, I guess it's just a story and things happen in stories that shouldn't happen in real life. Sounds like a very bad day for these people. So glad that the Lord can make something good out of everything that happens in life.

I haven't followed your story, but the characters sound interesting. Billy seems like a very nice person and one who loves God. Dialog is good and the story in interesting.

Blessings, LaVonne



 Comment Written 18-Apr-2013



reply by the author on 19-Apr-2013
    Thank you very much! Appreciate you reading and commenting. Dennis
Comment by
Roxanna Andrews
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  Rank:  103
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  Rank:  25
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  Rank:  79
 
Excellent
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Rating of Chapter 20 -
A Setback
Oh no, poor George. This is very well done, I found just one error, quote marks left off, but it didn't affect the story. Looking forward to the next chapter. Rox


 Comment Written 18-Apr-2013



reply by the author on 19-Apr-2013
    Thank you, Rox! YBIC, Dennis
Comment by
Lady Bev
 
 
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Rating of Chapter 20 -
A Setback
He wondered if the boy's home
Plural possessive, should be boys' home

But first, he called Mercy Hospital and
Comma required, as indicated above.

"Oh, hey, Billy!
Comma required, after hey.

"Look, here's an idea. You rest, and I'll check on Steve. Then I'll pick you up at 11, we'll swing by Polly's and get the kids.
Recommend semi colon instead of comma after 11

It sounds great. I really ...
Opening quotation mark missing.

'Home'; there's a laugh."
I don't know about the semi colon here. I'd be more inclined to put a dash.

pray other times too, even when
Comma required above, where indicated.

anxiety tried to force it's way into
Not a contraction for it is. Delete apostrophe above.

the situation he was in, and appealed for help.
Comma required, as indicated above.


He got there at 10;30.
Two thoughts. (1) Mini typo -- should be a colon, not a semi colon, (2) suggest you try to be consistent with writing times so go back and make 11 and 11 AM 11:00 and 11:00 AM.

Great work! :)
BTW ... I've written two things now. Not posting yet, but I am writing!


 Comment Written 18-Apr-2013



reply by the author on 19-Apr-2013
    Thanks for the critique! And glad to hear you are writing;hope you post soon. Dennis
Comment by
2009-2014 Poet Of The Year
adewpearl
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Rating of Chapter 20 -
A Setback
the boy's home - boys' - plural possessive
I'll try it, Billy - add comma for direct address
Excellent natural-sounding dialogue
You get inside Billy's inner thoughts well
Brooke :-)


 Comment Written 18-Apr-2013



reply by the author on 19-Apr-2013
    Thanks, Brooke. Appreciated as always, Dennis
Comment by
2009-2014 Poet Of The Year
adewpearl
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Rating of Chapter 19 -
Billy Goes From Riches to Riches
I like the simile for what retirement would be like
excellent imagery of the river and rapids
get your inheritance into your hands - you have a typo in inheritance
Good character development in depicting how he doesn't ask all about how much money he is due
Brooke


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2013



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
    Thank you, Brooke.
Comment by
Lynn Moses
 
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Rating of Chapter 5 -
Another Big Step for Billy
I like this chapter and how Billy recalls how he met George and the beginning of their relationship.

"Well, Billy, I see by your [there might be an extra space here] r©sum© you are experienced in all kinds...

The term vigorish was not known to me until tonight. I learned something new-thanks.

Well done!


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2013



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
    Thank you, Lynn.
Comment by
Lynn Moses
 
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Rating of Chapter 4 -
Lifeline Launched
Story is getting really good. I am pulling for Billy to be able to help this family. I am a little worried about the mother though. I hope she doesn't turn on him.

Just one thing I saw:

caused Billy to put the clinging,[need space here]crying children

He gave up on praying when he fled the orphanage, except for the circumstantially forced kind, when only an idiot wouldn't pray.--this is great-I remember being like that in my younger years-only praying when I desperately needed something.

Nice job Dennis. I am really becoming fond of Billy.


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2013



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
    Billy's prayer experience has been share by us all I'm sure. Thanks again.
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