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Reflection of Shared Dysfunctions

The Long and Short of Life's Brevity

47 total reviews

Comment by

emrpoems

Review Stars

Exceptional

This work has reached the exceptional level

Rating of Chapter 4 - Gone To The Beach To Die

You truly are a great writer. Loved the exhale to inhale concept of dying. Held my attention at 1.30 am -long enough to take me to the end and to make me decide that I will visit and read all the chapters

Comment Written 09-Aug-2015

reply by the author on 09-Aug-2015

Thank you, Emrpoems, for reading this. Glad it is interesting to you.

Comment by

Marvin Calloway

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Excellent

Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Rating of Chapter 4 - Gone To The Beach To Die

Jay
Please tell if I have this right.
Lena loves Maretta. Robin, not so much. She could care less about Bob.
Maretta loves Lena and Robin. If she ever loved Bob, she doesn't anymore.
Robin loves Lena and Maretta. Robin could care less about Bob.
Bob may not love anyone but himself.
Lena committed suicide for two reasons. One, she eventually fell in love with Robin and, two, a relationship with Robin's sister, her true love, would be wrong at this point.

If I'm correct, your story is interesting and well written. If I'm wrong, your story is the opposite: well written and interesting.
I paid no attention to your story's length.

Maybe add Kilroy 'was' or 'wasn't here' to catch a few more readers with this reference.

Typo:
Line 1: husband's...(husband, Robin's dying)
Marv

Comment Written 07-Aug-2015

reply by the author on 07-Aug-2015

Marv, you are too much. What a delight of a crit! I went back and corrected the possessive. I think I need to study up on that. I've had problems with it before. I don't think the Kilroy reference had meaning to a lot of people since it was dated. It was wildly popular when I was a kid, but when it went out it went way out!

Your line thrilled me: "If I'm correct, your story is interesting and well written. If I'm wrong, your story is the opposite: well written and interesting."

Thanks again, Marv.

reply by Marvin Calloway on 07-Aug-2015

Jay
Your story really was well written and interesting. Congratulations!
As with most of my writing, I'm never sure until I get a response.
Thanks
Marv

Comment by

TPAC

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Rank: 213

Excellent

Rating of Chapter 4 - Gone To The Beach To Die

Writer in this write captures death aspects, victim a time boom, and those who hope this end will not occur, writer bat back and forth detailing situation and feeling aimed to victim -perhaps writer expresses their own fear of dieing

Comment Written 03-Aug-2015

reply by the author on 04-Aug-2015

Thank you, TPAC, for reading this. I'm glad it had some value to you.

Comment by

Gone but not forgotten

Review Stars

Exceptional

Rating of Chapter 4 - Gone To The Beach To Die

Compelling and intense. I work with those who are dying (volunteer) so this one was particularly important to me. Too bad Lena had to die, too, but a dramatic ending...not entirely unexpected. Effective. Enjoyed it. Thanks.

Comment Written 28-Jul-2015

reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015

I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter. I had to work very hard to keep it from slipping into the melodramatic. I really appreciate the six stars.

Comment by

Ric Myworld

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Excellent

Rating of Chapter 4 - Gone To The Beach To Die

I, too, don't know any way that you could have shortened such marvelous description that kept me on the edge of my seat and held my attention breath by breath by breath, waiting for the sudden rush. Great job. :-)

Comment Written 18-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015

I don't know what's wrong with the site, but I've already answered this, but take this as my bonus thank you.

Comment by

Mastery

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Rank: 55

#1 Ranked Novelist!

Excellent

Rating of Chapter 4 - Gone To The Beach To Die

Hi, Jay. Good ending chapter. Lots of good firm images throughout.
" From the pocket of her cardigan, Lena withdrew what was about a half-dozen folded tissues she'd put there in case Robin had another fit of coughing. She unfolded one and blew her nose in it. Another she dragged across her eyelids. This was a surprise. She thought she'd kept herself remarkably composed. She never was much of a crier. She jammed the remaining tissues back in her pocket."

I did find myself getting a bit thrown between the story actual, and the thoughts...even though they were in italics for some reason. Just me, no doubt.

Good job with the entire story and good finish. Bob

Comment Written 17-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015

Thanks Bob for your always incisive crit. You sound like me-- You've noticed the overuse of the thought processes on FanStory being in italics. Actually, I use it infrequently, and then to call attention to an important point. I can think of only one place I used italics for her thoughts and that was the "whimsically-intended" comic conversation of the body shutting down. Were there other places where her thoughts were italicized?

Thanks, Bob, for your kind words and for your generous rating.

Comment by

barkingdog

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2013 #2 Ranked Novelist

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Exceptional

Rating of Chapter 4 - Gone To The Beach To Die

I'm still seeing her walking toward the waves.
This is a beautiful love story, Jay, and you gave death a believable beginning. One has to hold onto the hope that they are only one exhale and inhale away from seeing each other again.

You couldn't have split this chapter. I didn't find it difficult to read this much at one time.

Bravo.

Comment Written 17-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015

Thanks, (Is it Ellen?) for your kindness and your generous rating. Yes, to go any further with her walk to the sea might have lapsed it into mawkishness. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

reply by barkingdog on 18-Jun-2015

The ending was perfect. Impeccable timing, Jay.

Yep, my name is Ellen.

Comment by

thee-name

Review Stars

Excellent

Rating of Chapter 4 - Gone To The Beach To Die

Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.

Not so much as a note left behind! Gone to the beach to die.

Just a note in the bed stand. Gone to the beach to die.

Comment Written 17-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015

THank you, thee-name. Glad you enjoyed the story.

reply by thee-name on 18-Jun-2015

thank you!

Comment by

Walu Feral

Review Stars

Excellent

Rating of Chapter 4 - Gone To The Beach To Die

G'day Jay, man I wish I had a six left because that was an extraordinary read mate. The scenery you painted is so vivid, just like watching a movie, amazing stuff. Congratualtions Sir, you are a star. Cheers Fez

Comment Written 17-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015

Ah, Fez, you are a gentleman! Thanks for your generosity in your comments. Worth a six any day.

Comment by

2019 Novelist of the Year

Ulla

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Rating of Chapter 4 - Gone To The Beach To Die

First I want to say, that I am sorry I don't have any six stars left because that is what this piece of writing really deserves. It had me totally captivated and seemed to be over far too soon. A wonderful story and beautifully told. Ulla

Comment Written 17-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015

Oh, Ulla, that was a sweet think to say. I'm so happy the story resonated with you.

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