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Reviews from
THE POCKET OF PUMPKIN PULP


What's a mother to do?

  44 total reviews 
Comment by
June Estep Fiorelli
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 3 -
Swimming With Pulp in the Pocket.
( Well, I told Lillian to run, and she didn't listen. Too bad.) A sad ending to this story which we should have anticipated. Overall, it contains many of the descriptive touches I love about your work. Of course I have some picky suggestions:
I was jarred by "she flung her eyes". I got a picture of her grabbing them from their sockets and tossing them. How about shifted, rotated, slid, etc.
Para. beg. "Behind the chair that once held the now slumped over Paul..." This seems awkward to me. Is there another way to phrase it? Also, the last sentence in this para. Maybe something like: "Blood dribbled from his mouth, making small pools that slowly seeped across the tablecloth." (gets rid of "was also")
Para. beg. "Lillian bounded..." Ben who stood still, unmoving..." still and unmoving sound redundant. Maybe, "Ben stood motionless."
para. beg. "She nodded..." The word "sniffed seemed out of place. End the sentence after "...emotion."
My general feeling was that toward the end it was a bit drawn out. I think deleting a word or two here and there would sharpen it. Of course it's up to you.
I'm sitting here feeling sorry for Lillian. You obviously did a good job getting me, the reader, fully involved.


 Comment Written 06-Sep-2015



reply by the author on 07-Sep-2015
    Thanks so much, June. Well, I can see I need to alter the syntax of the flinging sentence. Here's what I wrote: "Now tears streamed from her eyes and she flung them right and left as she shook her head." She was flinging tears, not her eyes.

    I shouldn't have started this so late at night. You bring up some very astute observations, all things I need to check on. I'm going to paste them in my folder for my next edit. Know that I thank you an unbelievable amount for pointing these out to me.
Comment by
Walu Feral
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 3 -
Swimming With Pulp in the Pocket.
G'day Jay. I am so sorry that I am this far behind in reviewing Sir, but I'll try to catch up. That is one heck of a powerful chapter mate. That knifing from Ben came like a bolt of lightening and was brilliantly and perfectly timed. She is so calm and you slipped Jerry in there as well. Enthralling work. Cheers Fez


 Comment Written 04-Sep-2015



reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
    Fez, thank you so much for the six stars. Don't worry about getting behind. I'm way behind. Starts Sunday and goes through Wednesday. You are appreciated, friend.
Comment by
Naxsc
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 3 -
Swimming With Pulp in the Pocket.
Enjoyed it immensely. Only I wanted more of a closure, like Lillian dumping his body down into a dark alley or drowning it in a lake 3 miles away. Would have spelt END more complete, but liked it nevertheless.

A story wonderfully written and the language was spotless.

I did not find any grammatical errors, so good on that front.

Overall A+ for me.

Keep writing more!

All the best!


 Comment Written 04-Sep-2015



reply by the author on 04-Sep-2015
    Thank you so much, Naxsc. The more of my stories you read the more you'll find I don't spell everything out. There is rarely a "well this is the only way it could end" end to it. Glad you enjoyed it generally. Look forward to your reading more of my writings.

reply by Naxsc on 04-Sep-2015
    heheh understood Jay Squires. I will prepare myself to read between the lines and open endings in the future. But what I wanted to say and left out in the previous comment post is :

    See I told you that Paul was a no-good-creepy SOB. (excuse my language)

    Gloating to the skies and back!!! ;P
Comment by
Selina Stambi
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 3 -
Swimming With Pulp in the Pocket.
I haven't had a chance to follow this story, Jay - this is not my genre of choice ... but your storytelling really gripped me.

I avoid horror/thrillers like the plague ... :) :)

Well done.

Sonali


 Comment Written 04-Sep-2015



reply by the author on 04-Sep-2015
    Thank you for giving this a try. Seems I remember something from you that was pretty horror-filled (as opposed to horrible). Something under the bed? Or was that Padumachitta? Anyway glad you didn't avoid this.

reply by Selina Stambi on 04-Sep-2015
    Definitely Padu ... never me!!
Comment by
Sis Cat
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 3 -
Swimming With Pulp in the Pocket.
Twisted. Reminded me of the Twilight Zone or the relationship between Norman Bates and his mother in Psycho. You kept the reader guessing until the end in this tightly written, cinematic story. Great dialogue and plot twists. Well-structured for suspense. Thank you for your example and for sharing this satisfying read.


 Comment Written 04-Sep-2015



reply by the author on 04-Sep-2015
    Thanks, Andre, for the six. Much appreciated. You're not the first to mention the Bates connection. I don't even remember how that movie went, except for the shower scene. I DO appreciate your reading and the wonderful rating!
Comment by
giraffmang
Level 4 Pro
2018 2nd for short works
2017 Author of the year
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  15
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  158
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 3 -
Swimming With Pulp in the Pocket.
Hi Jay,

I 'enjoyed' the finale to this story. I think Lillian may be just a little bit disturbed. I think it may also run in the family somewhat!

Great writing as usual.

rising and then and falling - delete the second 'and', I think.

squeezing him out like pimple juice - nice image! Great description.

in your own hands--this was different." - should the closing speech marks come after hands here?

G


 Comment Written 04-Sep-2015



reply by the author on 04-Sep-2015
    Some brilliant catches, here G. Both have been fixed. I must say that extra and just flopping around there, I haven't a clue how I missed it. And the 48 others who read it. Astounding! I was all set to disagree with you on the second. Until I read it. Her sister wouldn't have said "This is different". Clearly that's part of Lillian's thoughts. I even got rid of the extra EM dash. It wasn't needed.

    Again, thanks for everything, G!
Comment by
Christof McTarnahan
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 3 -
Swimming With Pulp in the Pocket.
Another great chapter. I truly enjoy your writing. I am going through your stuff and am liking everything so far. Great flow, and superb dialogue. And, like before, the characters are awesome. Keep it up.


 Comment Written 04-Sep-2015



reply by the author on 04-Sep-2015
    I thank you so much, Christof. I'm grateful you read and humbled by your kind words.
Comment by
IndianaIrish
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  657
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 3 -
Swimming With Pulp in the Pocket.
Jay, what a creepy, delicious story. You certainly took me for a crazy ride to Psychoville, and I loved it. Your descriptions of Lillian as she went deeper was excellent. The ending was great as you wrote it...I'm sure Mama is going to make friends in prison, but hopefully, Ben will find his voices went to prison with Mama. I hope she went to Disneyland with Ben and give her some fun before the Big House and give Ben some good memories before Mommy goes bye bye. Paul was indeed a sicko and I didn't like him from the start...and especially now since he was the one who squished the pumpkin and not Ben. Conniving maniac. I only had one part where I froze in my reading...Paul was playing toe-panties across the table, but she could feel his hot breath? I had trouble with that image...unless he had a fiery hot burrito before going to Lillian's.

I enjoyed your entertaining slip into madness, Jay.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)


 Comment Written 04-Sep-2015



reply by the author on 04-Sep-2015
    Thank you for pointing that out. You and two other astute observers pointed that out. One said if the table was small enough to smell breath, his knee wouldn't have bumped the underside when she pushed his foot away. I need to pick these things up myself. But I never do. Appreciate your reading that, Karyn & the LOVELY SIX!
Comment by
mfowler
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 3 -
Swimming With Pulp in the Pocket.
This a most satisfying completion of this tale, Jay. Who'd have suspected that Mama was as crazy as her baby, Ben? Until she set up the body in the swimming pose and said goodbye, I was prepared to believe she was just a victim, a woman who loved her son and wanted to protect him against those trying to blame him for her husband's death. Ben, of course, in his killing of Paul and his references to the demonic 'them'in his head, shows he's quite starkers. The best element of this chapter for me was the action. I've never read any sustained passages of frantic action in your work before but I thought Paul's attack on Lillian, her reaction, and Ben's killing of the psychologist, were thrilling and brilliantly described. Excellent conclusion.


 Comment Written 04-Sep-2015



reply by the author on 04-Sep-2015
    I am thrilled you liked this, Mark. Yes it has more sustained action than most of my short stories which tend toward the cerebral. My novel, The Trining, though had lots of action in it. I just love your crits, my friend.
Comment by
write hand blue
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 3 -
Swimming With Pulp in the Pocket.
I like the story, the way you control the suspense, this continues way after the murder of that bad character Paul.

I'd be a little worried if Ben was my child and as for Lillian well. Like mother, like son, as they say.

A good description without being graphic about the under table manipulations. LOL.

Great descriptive detail, and an open ending. Good read.

:) Mel.


 Comment Written 03-Sep-2015



reply by the author on 03-Sep-2015
    The under the table stuff was all digital. That and elastic. Thanks for reading, Mel, and enjoying it.
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