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Reviews from
Revisit The Sins of the Grandfather


The Tracks of a Poem To a Play

  36 total reviews 
Comment by
Angelwhispers
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 1 -
Standing at the Precipice
I will admit out-right that I don't read a lot of scriptwriting, so I will not be able to critique based on a knowledgeable point of view, but more like a laymen in the audience.

I read both parts, but I thought I'd just give my final thoughts to this one piece. I like the character of Betty very much, though she makes me sad. She is most definitely a woman of strength, perhaps someone who had to make a lot of difficult decisions in her lifetime. I feel like that veil is not lifted often, and Robby is one of a very few that was able to do that. Robert was the same -- for a strong woman who held strong convictions, he was able to convey a different side of things, with love and adoration for her. But he was like the fog to her, and ultimately something inside her demands that she see in black and white.

The ending was thought-provoking. She still couldn't stay, like she couldn't stay with him back then, and that makes me sad. But maybe it could have a different interpretation: she didn't want to stay and see the black and white, the rocks and trees and bushes. Maybe she left it there so that she could hold onto the hope that Robert's perspective was the true one. She could hold onto his love again.

Like I said, no critiques, just laymen's thoughts. Robert and Betty will stay with me for a while. The interpretation of different parts will stay with me, too. And though I don't know screenwriting, I know that any kind of writing that stays with the reader deserves six stars. A job well done.


 Comment Written 26-Jan-2017



reply by the author on 26-Jan-2017
    This was my first attempt at a long (epic style) poem. Poetry is not my strong suit. I am a prose writer. Your interpretation on why Betty left went so much farther than I had even divined. The fact that by leaving she could keep her love for him alive by not letting reality divide them. That, Dear Anglewhispers, is worthy of my Thumbs up.
Comment by
gene roush
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 1 -
Standing at the Precipice
Flawless.
Thanks for your comments that led me to this writing.
It's inspiring.
I guess that I need to add some mundane crap here to satisfy the powers that control the sight.
So much for brevity.
Thanks again
Gene


 Comment Written 21-Jan-2017



reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
    Doncha just hate having the system tell you your review is not helpful? But if you add something like, "I'm done ..." it becomes enough? Thanks, Gene. Appreciated.
Comment by
gene roush
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 1 -
Robbie and Betty
My only experience in scripts is watching them play out.
This has a nice feel to it.
Your characters give insight into their nature, but also create intrigue as to the true nature of their ascent.
Thanks for sharing.
I'll follow along as it continues.
Gene


 Comment Written 21-Jan-2017



reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
    Thanks for reading this, Gene. It was an experiment in scripting poetry. I'm neither a poet nor script writer. But it suggested perimeters. Again, thanks.
Comment by
w.j.debi
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
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  Rank:  19
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  93
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 1 -
Standing at the Precipice
I remember reading this in poem form and I loved it. I am just now starting to study a bit about scripts so I there is a lot I still need to learn. The dialog is beautiful and creates such a romantic feeling. The young man knows his grandfather loved Betty, and wants her to realize that fact. For that reason, he feels a connection to this woman--the grandmother that might have been? or the lost love that got away. It seems she feels it too, though she doubts the fantasy could have come true.

Not so much a critique as a summation of the thoughts and feelings the script evokes in this scene. I would love to see this on stage. It would be one be one of those plays to bring a tear to the eye and a sigh to the heart.


 Comment Written 11-Jan-2017



reply by the author on 11-Jan-2017
    This is a delight of a review, Debi. I had a lot of fun writing it. The poem that inspired the play, "At the Precipice" was written over 50 years ago. The play format tested my use of language, trying to keep it "real" while florid. I'm sure it tested a lot of readers' patience as well. Of course, if it were ever produced as a stage play, it would be sub-titled "Sleepville" I'm afraid, LOL. Again, I am so pleased you read this and that it moved you. That means a lot.

    Jay
Comment by
Selina Stambi
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 1 -
Standing at the Precipice
Hello Jay,

Happy New Year, friend. Congratulations on your ranking as scriptwriter. Lovely to see you trying your hand at a different form.

I came in at the final curtain, but love the magical atmosphere of might-have been you create in this scene (needly towers 'n' all!).

I've been away for too long. Glad to be back. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

Smiles,

Sonali xx


 Comment Written 04-Jan-2017



reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
    I did have a lovely Christmas, Sonali, as I hoped you did. I'm glad you're back, too. As far as my writing goes, I'll be mostly reviewing until I get my play edited and sent out to the competitions.

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read my poem. It's one of my favorites, if you'll accept a tad of self-aggrandizement.

reply by Selina Stambi on 04-Jan-2017
    So glad to hear from you, Jay. It feels like ages. Best wishes with the competitions.
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  201
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 1 -
Standing at the Precipice

Hi, Jay,

I read through the end of this play, this sketching of a poem into a scene moment between two people over the grave of a loved one's imagination. Betty and Robbie conclude their moment of reflection. I figured that Betty doesn't want to see the sun burn away the mystery of what could be... what could have been. She leaves and since her eyes don't ever see, there's always the possibility, versus seeing and the answer is there. This is the way it was, and she is true to the decision.

Or worse... the witches and such were there all along, and she never looked to see. A sad tale, that kind of touches the breaks of choices life gives, could have gone in one direction, and instead another was taken.

Sense over adventure? theme

I enjoyed reading it, but in the whirlwind that was thanksgiving, I got very little reviewing and writing done till today. (but I read it several days ago, on my phone, because I wanted to know how it ended, to see if I could fathom the deeper aspects of the scene in my own experiences in life. I think I'm missing some of the life experiences needed to truly grasp the totality of the moment. That lost love... loving but knowing that together would be to destroy the aspects that are loved.)

I was incapable of giving what his spirit needed. Don't you see? I'd
(a fast death with the woman he loved, or the slow death of life beating down on the spirit day after day.)

es and trees and rocks--very upoetic(unpoetic)? fare that--right?

I would like to know what the Grandfather's sin was...

I figured she left him back then, and in a way, she left him again.
As with your prose writing, in the play writing, the people written leave bits of the skin to itch as I walk away... enough of an itch to force/ push for thought.


 Comment Written 30-Nov-2016



reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
    Lovely it is to get your thematic and characterial (by gum, I think I've invented a word) probing of this play. I have a hunch you downloaded this some time ago and are just now reviewing it. I'm saying that because I corrected that "very upoetic fare" a few days ago. Your last paragraph of your review struck the nerve of what most of my writing tries to do. Life doesn't wrap things up nicely--nor do my stories or plays. I love the way you call it an itch! Thanks for that and generally for your superb review.
Comment by
2012 Script Writer Of The Year
Spitfire
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  289
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 1 -
Standing at the Precipice
Wow! The enlightened and spiritual young man versus the scientifically grounded young woman destined to be a judge--ironic choice of career. Seems it took Betty a long time to confront her soul. Nice use of nature as metaphor--the blinding sun, the rocks, the smoldering plain. Flashback of their courtship might make the characters more interesting. Just a suggestion.


 Comment Written 29-Nov-2016



reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
    Thanks for reading, Shari, and for your suggestion. Yeah, I thought of expanding the backstory, but I feel it would lose the mysterious element. It would be rather a trade-off.
Comment by
Stephendick24
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 1 -
Standing at the Precipice
I am frustrated when I really like something but can't think of much to say about it. Rather than fake something to fill the page, I'll just say these are two compelling characters whom I've become fond of. In the end, an author can't ask for much more than that. I don't know if this will piss you off or reassure you or both, but I don't think anyone cares as much about the stage directions as you and the editnazi do. With any play, yours or Shakespeare's, I only read them if I think not having read them is interfering with my understanding of the play. Good work.


 Comment Written 29-Nov-2016



reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
    Thank you, Stephen. I'm happy you enjoyed reading it.

reply by Stephendick24 on 01-Dec-2016
Comment by
F. Wehr3
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 1 -
Standing at the Precipice
Excellent work, Jay. I loved your poem and the story of Robert and Bett. Reliving one of those concrete memories from the past can be one of the more enlivening experiences. Well done!

Take care,
Russell


 Comment Written 29-Nov-2016



reply by the author on 30-Nov-2016
    Thanks, Russell. The six stars means a lot to me. This was solely an experiment. I doubt I will take it any further.
Comment by
mfowler
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 1 -
Standing at the Precipice
Your play completes the story's outcome perfectly. She's sad, but unfashionable in her response to Robbie's version of the poem.

Her reasons are complex, maybe a little overplayed, but Robbie feels a link to the poor woman. He thinks she's come for something more, but Bette is keen for the young man not to misinterpret, not to read expectant success in her presence.

Ultimately, this visit to the mountain, appears to be an old gal's sense of making sense of something from so far before. Robbie's concern, interest, whatever it was, tempt, but Bette's experience is enough.

The stage is very well set up. Everything you need has a place and what can't be seen in full, is easily imagined.

A fine play, Jay.




 Comment Written 29-Nov-2016



reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016
    Mark, thank you for your unique interpretation of my play. You always seem to find a way to approach it from a new and interesting angle. You probably remember this when it was a poem. I tried to keep the poetic aspect of it alive, but I didn't like the way it came out. She became more pompous in the play, which is unfortunate. I have some work to do on it, and I don't know whether it will ever go beyond a fun experiment. Thanks for being here.
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