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Reviews from
Two universes: Rippeltina


This is about a girl that awakens another universe

  2 total reviews 
Comment by
Alex Rosel
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Rating of Prologue -
Rainless World
In general, I don't favor prologues; they are often used as info-dumps. Having said that, I think you include enough imagery here to engage the average reader {thumbs up}.

Here are a few points you might like to consider:

Nature has been hopelessly crying for the water to reach the soil -- I like this snippet {smiles}. Although I'd look to replace "crying". Nature crying is often used as a metaphor for rain.

However, there is one man who never gave up searching for a different way than all of the others did. -- this is rather a ponderous sentence. If this was mine, I'd tighten it, and look to give it a more "active" voice. Something like:
"One man persists in his search for a different way."

he was the first human in history that developed future vision magic in his eyes -- I'd replace "that" with "who".

where hands are outstretched towards his eyes -- This is good imagery {smiles}.

Using his back against the strange rock, ragged breathing he realized... -- I'm struggling to visualize this. He's got an arrow in his back, yet he's "Using his back against the strange rock"???

he closed his eyes inhaling calmly facing towards the stone. -- I think this is needless repetition. You've already told the reader he's " facing the bloodied rock". I'd just have it as "he closed his eyes, inhaling calmly."


 Comment Written 09-Nov-2019



reply by the author on 09-Nov-2019
    I appreciate the whole review, as I realised a lot of things that I've done wrong. This helps me further my good work, thank you. Will correct this today. :)
Comment by
Sallyo
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I am Australian.
Therefore, I write like an Australian.
 
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Rating of Prologue -
Rainless World
What an interesting and mythic prologue to a new book. It reads like something from a film.
It needs some editing, though. For example;
His name was Cendarius Mzaphren, he was the first human in history that developed future vision magic in his eyes. Clear as the ocean itself, his eyes shone like that of a sapphire's.
This should be edited to read this way:
His name was Cendarius Mzaphren, and he was the first human in history that developed future vision magic. Clear as the ocean itself, his eyes shone like sapphires.


 Comment Written 09-Nov-2019



reply by the author on 09-Nov-2019
    Thank you for the honest review, I have seen my mistake and will correct it soon. :)
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