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Reviews from
Tangled Lives


Movie Script

  7 total reviews 
Comment by
barbara.wilkey
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  5
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  39
 

#5 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 6 -
The Plot Thickens in River Town
This is not at all good for James, but they police may have just solved their crime or at least a place to start. I can't believe it will all be over that fast.


 Comment Written 10-Mar-2020


Comment by
JudyE
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  12
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  76
 
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 7 -
Who Is Doing What With Who?
That's a good place to stop! A real cliff-hanger. I picked up a few points for you to consider:

What would your holier than thou parishioners think? If they only knew about their Cardinal. - replace question mark with a comma and insert question mark after 'Cardinal'

SPIKE:
In a big hurry to get rid of me tonight, aren't you Father? - comma after 'you'

SPIKE (calls out to the Cardinal) - lower case for 'cardinal' I think

JAMES
Count them again? - replace question mark with a period

Michael took a step backward, - should be 'takes a step..'

TED
Anything I might be interested in, like the promotion. - replace period with a question mark.

MICHAEL
You've been with the company since groundbreaking when
Jack's dad started the company, haven't you Ted? - comma after 'you'

Ted pensively sipped his gin and tonic - should be 'sips'

The two men walk toward the dining room, laughing and talking like long, lost friends. - I don't think the comma should be there.

TED:
I know you would never have let this happen, Tom. Wish me luck, Ole Friend, I'll need it. - lower case for 'ole friend'

TERI Smiles. - lower case for 'smiles'

COLETTE:
PHIL, honey, are you in there? - lower case for 'Phil'

Maybe you're with Jack? I can break the news to both of you at the same time - period needed after 'time'

I'll up the rating to five stars after some edits have been made. The plot is advancing well.

Cheers
Judy


 Comment Written 10-Mar-2020



reply by the author on 10-Mar-2020
    Good morning, Judy. Can't believe I installed the program Grammerly and you did better than it. Thanks for the corrections. Maybe I need a different one! Thanks again! Have a great day!

reply by JudyE on 10-Mar-2020
    Maybe Grammarly finds scripts difficult to do. I don't know much about it. :)
Comment by
thaities, Rebecca V.
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  8
Review Stars
  Rank:  7
 

#8 Ranked Author
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 7 -
Who Is Doing What With Who?
Another cliff hanger! I can't wait till the next post. This story is getting better by the chapter. The story is nice and fast with may twists and turns. I never suspect what is coming next.


 Comment Written 09-Mar-2020



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
    Good day my friend...so happy to see you returning to follow this saga of crime. I am so happy that you are enjoying the story. That simply makes my day! Thanks again and have a great one!

reply by thaities, Rebecca V. on 09-Mar-2020
    I am as long as I have your post under my belt.

reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
    Smiles!

reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
    I threw you a curve with a bit of humor today, Hope you enjoy it as well.

reply by thaities, Rebecca V. on 09-Mar-2020
    Loved every minute!
Comment by
Iza Deleanu
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  139
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  69 (+3)
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  8
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  9
 

#8 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 7 -
Who Is Doing What With Who?
Wow, this is awesome another crime for the money and candy for the show/go. Jack in trouble, wife free-range conquistador. Thank you for sharing, and good luck with the next part and hour writings.


 Comment Written 09-Mar-2020



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
    Thank you for reading and enjoying my script. I love to include many twists and turns throughout my stories. Glad you find it enjoyable. Have a great day!
Comment by
Bill Pinder
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  39
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  54
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  26
Review Stars
  Rank:  33
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 7 -
Who Is Doing What With Who?
You have got a lot of different plots going on in the script. Never a dull moment with all the interactions and underhanded dealings between the people. Sounds like a real soap opera. Bill


 Comment Written 09-Mar-2020



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
    Thank you for joining me in Chapter 7. Hopefully, you will find interest in following along or maybe reading earlier chapters. I love to write with many twists and turns and to keep the reader guessing. Thanks for reading and for the review. Have a great day!
Comment by
the13thpoet
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  69
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  108
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 7 -
Who Is Doing What With Who?
Hello again Begin Again, I hope your day is going well. Thank you for another exciting installment of your script. It gets better and better has the action heats up. Great job and have a great day!


 Comment Written 09-Mar-2020



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
    Hello again! Been toying with a short tidbit about Frankie, the Leprechaun. Before I took a hiatus from FS, I wrote several stories about |Frankie and I found enjoyment in it so felt like I needed his impishness this morning; thus the detour from Tangled Lives. But not to worry, the next chapters are already in motion. Thanks again and have a great day!
Comment by
the13thpoet
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  69
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  108
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 6 -
The Plot Thickens in River Town
Hello Begin Again, a merry Monday to you. I hope this finds you well. Thank you for another installment of your script. Things are starting to heat up, and all the secrets, twists and turns have me on the edge of my seat. Good job and have a great day.


 Comment Written 09-Mar-2020



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
    Hello, my friend. Glad to see you back and enjoying this glorious day. Twists and turns are my favorite way of writing. Keep the reader guessing and wondering what's going to happen next. Thanks again for reading and commenting. I enjoy hearing from you. Smiles to you!
Comment by
BethShelby
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  83
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  54
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  7
Review Stars
  Rank:  19
 

#7 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 7 -
Who Is Doing What With Who?
Great writing. :I'm enjoying reading this. It sounds like a lot of people are in very deep. You really know how to leave us with a cliff hanger. I'm looking forward to the next episode.


 Comment Written 09-Mar-2020



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
    Thank you so much for all the kind words. I like to think the twist and turns and definitely the cliff hangers are an important part of my writing. Thank you again for reading and enjoying. Smiles and hugs!
Comment by
barbara.wilkey
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  5
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  39
 

#5 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 7 -
Who Is Doing What With Who?
There are a lot of interesting players in this play. I'm not sure who did it. Good write.

JACKIE enters the cafe carrying the box, a bit breathless after hurrying from the church. (space needed before JACKIE:)
JACKIE:
You're not going to believe this!

Tony reads the side of the box. Rises from his chair. (TONY if you're going to capitalize the name in action you need to do it every time, not just once in a while.
There are many more places it needs to be corrected.)

SPIKE:
I'm here Boss. What you want me to do? (comma before Boss)


 Comment Written 09-Mar-2020



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
    Good morning, Barbara. Glad I am able to keep a strong novelist like you guessing as to the outcome. I appreciate the read and your comments. Have a great day!
Comment by
JudyE
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  12
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  76
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Rating of Chapter 6 -
The Plot Thickens in River Town
The content is good and the plot is thickening as they say. All the glitches I've picked up are small editing errors and easily fixed. I've mentioned the spacing several times but not every time. It might be useful to read through looking purely and simply at the spacing between each character's dialogue. I've given four stars but happy to give five when some edits have been made. Some of the points I'm mentioned are more to draw your attention to them rather than to say they are necessarily 'wrong'.
The stage directions need to be checked too.


believes his power as a Cardinal will shield him from his short comings - one word - shortcomings

PARISHIONER 1.
Nice service Father - comma after 'service'

JAMES:
Good morning SETH, nice to see you- comma needed after 'morning'

JOSEPH:
HMM...yes, yes you do. - maybe 'Hmm' rather than 'HMM' in all capitals

JAMES:
You checking up on me Dad? If you must know I was there trying to drum up support for the new rectory - commas after 'me' and 'know'

SETH:
Glad to know, your team is already
working in the area. - delete comma

JAMES:
Looks up and down the hallway before answering Rose. - delete colon as the narrative carries on, on the same line. It looks like speech at the moment.

MANNY:
Standing behind his desk - again, these are stage directions. Should they be in brackets perhaps?
Your Eminence, can I pour you a drink?

JAMES:
Sitting in a chair (these are stage directions)

JACKIE conts
My Aunt was a lawyer and
had her own Detective Business. - I think lower case for 'detective business'

TONY:
Wow...a real high class Lawyer. - lower case for 'lawyer'

Maggie flashes Ramon a huge smile. - should 'Maggie' and 'Ramon' be in capitals?

TERI:
Every Monday at 10 I have a golf lesson which you set up. - comma after '10'

JACK:
I've left instructions for Tammy
to check with you daily - period after 'daily'

I need to get the remainder of this load into Montgomery and Rivertown is in the opposite direction. - is 'Rivertown' one word or two?

JAMES:
The devil lays temptation at our feet. It is our choice to accept it or pray for God's forgiveness - period needed after 'forgiveness'

JAMES:
(Pulls the curtain aside)
Meet me in the rectory in fifteen minutes. We will pray together and seek satisfaction for your sins. I absolve you of all your sins. - maybe replace one 'sins' with 'wrongdoings'

Can't imagine you getting dirty.
Were you spring cleaning. - question mark after 'cleaning'

By the way, what did you come her for? - should be 'here'

She opens the storage room and surveys it's contents. - delete apostrophe

Cheers
Judy


 Comment Written 09-Mar-2020



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
    Thank you, Judy for all your effort. My grammar check must not be working properly or else when I transfer it I lose my changes. I am having lots of trouble with it but FS hasn't been able to help me out much. I appreciate you reading and indicating my mistakes. I hope I got them changed and they stay that way. LOL Have a great day!

reply by JudyE on 09-Mar-2020
    The FS editor does seem to make a hash of things from time to time.
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