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15 total reviews
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
 | Author Rating For Short Works
 | Author Rating For Novels
| Script Rating
| Review Stars
 Rank: 27 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
| Review Stars
 Rank: 29 | | | |
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Comment by | | Published Author | | | Semper Fi | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
| Review Stars
Rank: 51 | | | |
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Hello Earl. You have a wonderful, exciting story going here. Your writing gets smoother with each chapter, my friend.
This is good as it is for an opening hook, without all the previous stuff: "The excursion hadn't got off to a good start."
I like the sound of this: " he was built more for dealing cards and drinking rum."
Suggestions; Try to avoid using cliches, Earl. They never fit well in stories, like your opener, especially: "Godfrey Smythe was fit to be tied"
And this one: " had beaten Bear Rogers to within an inch of his life.
Also, try to eliminate words when they are not needed. Like here for instance:
"Of course you can." Make it simply "Of course."
Also: In this case, put your speech tag first: You have: "No dammit, I demand an answer right here, right now," Smythe seethed.
Do it this way for more impact: Smythe seethed. "No dammit, I demand an answer right here, right now."
Good job, Earl. Bob
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Comment Written 18-Nov-2020 |
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reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
Thanks Bob, I have to really think hard to remember to not use cliches. I'm glad you're enjoying the story. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my book.
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reply by Mastery on 19-Nov-2020
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reply by Mastery on 19-Nov-2020
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 31  (+7) | Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
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Rank: 56 | | | |
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Hi Earl,
I've missed quite a few chapters of this saga already. Sometimes I've seen an author give a bit of background. That would help a lot for someone like me who has just stumbled out of the woods and into a clearing. I've got projects on the go, so it's hard to go back and start from the beginning. Now, if I had the book, I'd read it every night before I fall asleep. I think I'd enjoy it. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for settlers and frontiersmen to journey west through Indian territory, no roads or bridges, and wooden wheels.
"Speaking of graves, the next time you lay a hand on my sister you'll be occupying one." ... I especially enjoyed this part, when Smythe was a bit rough with Roseanna, and her brother came to the rescue.
I like this line,
"...dead men keep secrets the best."
I'm assuming this line begins a different part of the story, with the Shawnee...
"A cloud of powder smoke enveloped Swooping Eagle as he took his shot." ... If I'm right, a space or line would have been helpful. I'm struggling to understand what's going on.
Well-written, Earl. I don't understand too much about what is going on yet, but the only mistake I spotted was trivial... a missing period.
"Dozens of thoughts swirled through his head"
Perhaps I can climb aboard in another chapter or two.
Cheers,
Kimbob
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Comment Written 18-Nov-2020 |
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reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
I'll lok at putting some background in the author's note on the next chapter. I appreciate you jumping in the middle and following along. Good editing tips, thanks.
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 22 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 24 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
| Script Rating
| Review Stars
Rank: 54 | | | |
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