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32 total reviews
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
 Rank: 19 | Author Rating For Short Works
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 121  (+2) | Author Rating For Short Works
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OK, so this is really well done. The dialogue is fluid, easy, and educational as to your characters and their traits. Writers unconsciously shy away from dialogue because exposition is easier, you don't have that issue. The whole story flows nicely to an end, and makes me wonder what will happen later - hoping that maybe this is part of a longer work.
The sense of time with this piece is really nice - I know that I am reading about a historical point in time that your characters are navigating. Also, your two sister protaganists are not interchangeable, each has a developed personality, wants, etc.
The love tangle of the multiple suitors is intriguing.
Loved the exchange with the gas attendant in the first part - added a nice sense of verisimilitude. Fantastic dialogue. Also very little exposition - that's good, pulls the reader in. Clever use of the year of the car to further underscore the "when"
This is a beautiful phrasing - "carved out of a continuum of time that had now become elastic enough to contain the wispy tendrils of old Mrs. Harvest's slippery and evaporating mind" - I might suggest splitting the rest into another sentence. My rule of thumb is 25 words (but i do break it sometimes). You have some other nice phrasing too - "slowly drew her palms to the outer edges in an openhanded gesture that seemed to Dorothea's imagination like the presentation of a religious offering" -do as much of that as you can organically work in, its a real strength and not common.
criminently - not sure of the usage here - criminy?
Anyway I am going to hit the fan button. The dialogue, character building, sequencing of events, and the dialogue/exposition blend are all things I'd like to do better. Very well done!
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Comment Written 28-Dec-2020 |
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reply by the author on 28-Dec-2020
David, your review made my freaking day. I don't have much else to do but write and read and read about my writing and write about other people's writing ... and yes, I need to get better acquainted with the period.
Criminently was one of those words that had a little juice left in it when I was a kid. It was just a stronger version of "gosh!" I don't know why I made it part of K.T.'s vocabulary. But she and I would change it with the drop of a hat (a fedora) if shut off the reader's mind for even a moment.
I'm as old as dirt and remember those times with the full-service gas stations, or filling stations. I remember when the top-grade of gas was called ethyl, which was a nickel more than regular gas ... and that topped at 25 cents a gallon. That would be somewhere between '54 and '57, my high school years.
And as you pointed out, and I would be a fool in the face of staggering evidence to the contrary, to deny, I do have rather an unhealthy flirtation with sentences that grow and grow.
I'm happy you chose to fan me. I hope you can find something of mine to keep entertaining you and perhaps even to learn something from them.
Jay
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 69 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 69 | Author Rating For Short Works
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Hi Jay,
I loved the foreword! What a fantastic feast! My compliments to the chef.
I looked it up... Bing introduced "White Christmas" publicly on Christmas Day of 1941. But it didn't become #1 on the hit parade till the following Christmas season when it got a lot of air time, especially on Armed Forces Radio. So I'm thinking the young gas station attendant was working a Christmas shift in 1942, and war was raging in Europe.
"It's influenza, Sister dear! In-flu-enz-a," she emphasized. "That's another reason Mama wanted us out of the house. People are dying from it. Daddy probably got it from one of his patients." ... It was in 1942 that scientists discovered influenza type B. This required a new bivalent vaccine that would protect against both H1N1 and the influenza B virus.
"Dorothea watched the snowflakes adhering to the windshield, being dragged away and replaced by more. Snow was packed in mounds at either side of the road.
They drove on in the enveloping silence of the snow." ... (I'd be a little worried about the drive home.)
"That they're allowing deferment for married men?"
"Yes, but he said it wouldn't work if the government figured he got married just to be deferred." ... (I didn't realize the government did this. It's interesting, and I wonder how many weddings were pulled off in 1942.)
You are a brilliant writer, Jay. The references to Christmas are here with Bing Crosby's hit tune, the snowflakes falling, and the Christmas gift. But I feel there's more than meets the eye.
I see sisters, so different from one another. Yet, they are close. Katherine depends on her older sister a great deal... to the extent of trusting her with very private feelings. Namely, that she has waited, refrained from having sex with the boy she loves, Frankie. She wants to marry him. She is afraid he will be yanked off to war. A wedding might save him from that, but there are no guarantees. She has decided to give herself to him if he is drafted, even though it may mean pregnancy and breaking her parents' hearts. But what about Dot? What about the older sister? Will she give her blessing? Will she stick up for Katherine if, in fact, she does get pregnant?
The thing I wonder about, which you don't even mildly hint at, is... was Mrs. Harvest unwilling to move to Europe with their painter dad? Was she pregnant, and reluctantly obliged to marry Walter, perhaps? This would certainly be a surprise for the sisters.
"She gave her pretty head a toss (and) her hair reassembled in soft tumbles of auburn curls on her shoulders (and) spilled over the front of her white cashmere sweater." ... (I suggest,
She gave her pretty head a toss and her hair reassembled in soft tumbles of auburn curls on her shoulders, spilling over the front of her white cashmere sweater.)
"If I waited for the song to end, we'd have both died of tobacco poisoning. ...(you just for got the ending punctuation mark)
I think I'm going to have to go back and read this again.
Nicely penned! Good Luck in the contest!
Cheers,
Kimbob
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Comment Written 28-Dec-2020 |
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reply by the author on 28-Dec-2020
I could just cry, Kimbob! There is something about that kind of review that shakes me to the core. It says, Hey! He's reading this, He's actually letting it squiggle around his brain--no hurry--and taking time to look up references, geez! It's so rare to see evidence of involvement in my writing. You and Turtle. Do you know Turtle here? You two are creative brother and sister. I wish I had 1/10th your zest for what moves you in what you read.
What a tribute! Thank you, Kimbob. So much! I think I've given you and Turtle reviewer nods for this month. I don't have any left, but your name goes on my list to be nominated for January.
You have no idea what your review means to me. Now, I'm going back and adding the 'and' to make that sentence hum, and fix that closed quote.
Wow! Happy new year.
Jay
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reply by Father Flaps on 28-Dec-2020
It's my privilege to read and review such great work, Jay. I may have told you before... I think a lot of Fanstory members miss out when they offer a two-line review. Reviewing is an ideal way to become a better writer yourself. You miss so much when you skim the surface.
I don't believe I know Turtle, but I'm sure she enjoys reviewing as much as I do.
You should be published!
Cheers,
Kimbob
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reply by the author on 28-Dec-2020
You ought to look up "Turtle Who?" here and sample a few of her things. She has some fantasy things on FS that would blow your mind. And as with your reviews, one would happily pay for hers.
Hey, friend, thank you for the compliment.
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reply by Father Flaps on 28-Dec-2020
I will look her up, Jay. Thanks for the heads-up!
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 52 | Review Stars
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 121 (+5) | Author Rating For Short Works
Rank: 13 | Author Rating For Novels
Rank: 14 | Script Rating
Rank: 5 | Review Stars
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Comment by| 2012 Script Writer Of The Year | | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
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Rank: 276 | | | |
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