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Astatula Awakening - Chapter Two

Massacre At The Crosby County Administration Complex

10 total reviews

Comment by

GE Parson

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Well you picked a fine place end this chapter. So what's that Sheriff Daniel going to do? throw a hand grenade at
Mort? That sweat'n deputy better get a hold of his nerves before he does something dumb out of fear and get's
himself and Daniels both killed.
Just my op -Jerry

Comment Written 19-Jan-2021

reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021

Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Much appreciate the review.

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Judy Lawless

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I'm interested in knowing where this story is going, but I'm sorry to say that I got confused in this chapter. It seems that you are relating a story that the Sheriff told to Cody when he was a child, but it's Cody telling it, not as a summary, but in detail. Perhaps if he was remembering the actual words that the Sheriff had told him, i.e. use quotation marks and dialogue throughout, and spoken more the way a man would tell a ten-year old the story? Just a thought. Before you end the chapter, something to tie it into Cody's story, might help too.

Comment Written 19-Jan-2021

reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021

Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Much appreciate the review.

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Sankey

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This was a bit confusing. Was Codey reminiscing on old tales of his step-dad's conquests? Good reading just needs some clarification. Switching back and forth I guess?

Something wrong here. Too many "st's" He stated he studied his deputy

Comment Written 18-Jan-2021

reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021

Not on Feral. Will look at Me We.

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Ulla

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Hi Brett, so Cody is on his way to see face with his past. I am looking forward to see how that will play out. Also some back story is never a bad thing.
the sheriff smile in approval then changed the subject= the sheriff smiled in approval ...
All best. Ulla:)))

Comment Written 18-Jan-2021

reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021

Appreciate your insights and the review.

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country ranch writer

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Looks like there is more dead bodies yet to come. Not a good place to visit.waiting for the next chapter to continue on.

Comment Written 18-Jan-2021

reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021

Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Much appreciate the review.

reply by country ranch writer on 14-Mar-2021

Smiles

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Ric Myworld

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Troubled minds popup like moles in the grass just when it looks like the coast is clear. So, are the sane ever truly safe. . . or is there really anyone who is completely sane, all the time? "Danger, danger, Will Robinson." LOL.

Comment Written 18-Jan-2021

reply by the author on 14-Mar-2021

Hope all is well in your web rod. Always appreciate your insights.

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barbara.wilkey

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barbara.wilkey Recommends:
Football Chapter 15 part 1
Katherine attends her first pep rally.

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I liked the way you used the story to keep the violence tempered. I'm sure others aren't as appreciative. LOL You are doing a great job telling this story and I like it a lot.

Comment Written 18-Jan-2021

reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021

Glad you enjoyed the chapter. Much appreciate the review.

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Iza Deleanu

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Wow, this is a pretty interesting description of the killer, which in the same time funny and tragic: ""Mortimer's personnel file listed him as a meth addict with PTSD. He's a real junkie, with a low level of empathy and disdain for others' feelings. Mortimer also fancies himself to be superior."

"To what? A pile of goat turds. He has no compassion alright. That's why he's always had problems establishing good relationships with other people and is hyper-critical," Taylor chimed in.

The sheriff shrugged his broad shoulders and announced, "Fits his pathetic M.O. to a capitalised T. Mortimer's also fixated on a fantasy of power and a sense of entitled predomination." Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.

Comment Written 18-Jan-2021

reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021

Appreciate your insights and the review.

Comment by

Susan Lamphier

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Good

chapter 2 is suddenly the sheriff's story. Okay, I'm almost with you. Uh huh.

I understand you need to add back story, but you bogged it down with too much detail. Sheriff might have an award on his wall, a tattoo, a scar-just a brief brush that belies his history.

The deputy is another bump. What use is he? I don't see it.

Chapter 2 is the sheriff's story. Why did Cody introduce it? You did such a great job introducing Cody, then dropping him. Chapter 1 could have been extended. Chapter 2 could be far more focused.

Nobody says "damn this phlegm"--they might say "damn" as they coughed (but not mutter "damn cough"-he's a tough guy).

Nobody calls someone a quack-a-doodle, unless that's a Texas thing. Even so, to draw in a more generalized audience, try just "quack"

"Ding-dong" and "loony-tune flake"-nobody says things like that. If you are using Texan terms , then pardon my ignorance. These terms are jarring, and ring false.

"Capitalised T"-British spelling.

Throughout the chapter, you are telling the reader what is going on, instead of showing. You did such a great job with chapter one, that this chapter just falls with a clunk. Disappointed.

Is it me, or is the timing off? First Cody is coming home in his beat up truck, then the sheriff has gone back in time where Cody is 10 years old.

I'm sorry, but this chapter is badly done. I started chapter 1 before reading this. You had such a great start, but this one is a mess. There is no focus, and I've only mentioned a few of the word choices that jarred me as I read. I went through it carefully, twice, but I am left confused, and, sorry to say, losing interest. Chapter 1 was terrific. This chapter,sadly, is just a mess. Please think about my comments. I want this story to work! It was such a great beginning!

Comment Written 18-Jan-2021

reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021

Understand you are not familiar with my book Astatula, or the main players of this series, which would clarify all these concerns you have. But, do appreciate the review.

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BethShelby

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It seems Cody really got into that bedtime story that Sheriff Brock told him since he has gone over so well everything that took place with the Sheriff and his deputy. I'm sure this was related to let us know more about the character of the Sheriff. I'm anxious to see what the reaction will be when Cody shows up at his door after all these years.

Comment Written 18-Jan-2021

reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021

Appreciate your insights. Appreciate the review.

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