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The Inaccuracy of Intention


Your Last Big Shoot

  27 total reviews 
Comment by
J.Lancaster
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Holy moley what an amazingly terrible image this put in my head. Fantastic and dramatic, as something this dark should be. Loved it. It 's just vague enough to let the reader figure out what has happened, which allows the imagination to run absolutely buck wild. Simply wonderful.


 Comment Written 15-Apr-2021


reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
    ... as is your review. Simply wonderful. Thank you, J. And the ultimate compliment ... the six stars! You're the best!
Comment by
pome lover
Premier Author
Katharine Folkes
 
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  Rank:  87
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  Rank:  54 (+1)
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  Rank:  98
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
umm. I'd rather the image of the gun, than the image of the poor one-legged target, whatever it was. However, I didn't think BBs could take off a leg. Though, not having seen the result of BBs, I don't know, but sounds like you do.
This is a poignant account - with feeling. And apparently, from the title, a good lesson. A lot of message in 50 words!
The only birds I've shot was years ago- it was a dove hunt on somebody's ranch and I was a new bride from Georgia - never held a shotgun in my life. Turned out I shot 2 Kildees (probably misspelled), which provided big Ho Ho Hos from the husbands.


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2021


reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
    LOL, I don't know what Kildees are, but what they're not is apparently doves. Thank you both for the six stars and for your kind words, Katharine. Both are appreciated!
Comment by
tfawcus
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I read this a few days ago when it was up and running, but didn't get around to reviewing it. There's an uncomfortable truth here that should strike the conscience of those who support the gun lobby. Sadly, it probably won't.


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2021


reply by the author on 13-Apr-2021
    Thank you for reading, Tony. No it most certainly won't. We are too steeped in the conservative.
Comment by
Carlos' girl
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Nice work jay squared. Love the photo w Deloitte in background. Is this cali? You do have a way w words. Now please keep writing and keep smiling.
Gracias, c.g.


 Comment Written 11-Apr-2021


reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
    Thank you, CG. Does Cali refer to Cali-fornia? There be I, in the thick of it. I appreciate all your kind words. Tell Carlos hi!

reply by Carlos' girl on 12-Apr-2021
    Yessir cali is California..i will tell senior hello..he lol at my poetry stuff. Thinks im good but thinks its funny we are friends at fanstory
Comment by
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lyenochka
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 Rank:  3
 

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Okay, I think all would-be hunters should read your dribble fiction story and rethink if they have the stomach to really see the damage done to a bird. Great dramatic post and brings home the message that even a BB can do deadly harm. Best wishes in the contest!


 Comment Written 10-Apr-2021


reply by the author on 10-Apr-2021
    Thank you so very much for your review, Lyenochka. The timeliness of your review means a lot to me.
Comment by
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Bill Schott
 
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 Rank:  10
 

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This fifty-word story, The Inaccuracy of Intention, brings the image of a youthful duck hunter (ten?) taking out an unlucky quacker.

The thought of a single BB, the photo of a pistol, and the damage done leaves me more in doubtful of my image.


 Comment Written 10-Apr-2021


reply by the author on 10-Apr-2021
    I couldn't find a free image of a BB gun. You are the second person to think of duck--I guess because of downy. I can't picture a BB gun taking down a duck. No, a bird was what I wanted to convey. His intention was to kill the bird. The inaccuracy was in centimeters of error that resulted in taking off a leg. Not a pretty thought. Thanks, though, as usual for your reading and contributing.
Comment by
Mastery
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Semper Fi
 
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I'd say it's a darned clever use of fifty words, Jay.

", yet not close enough
to hear the muted splut
of the BB against downy flesh,"

I think you have a winner here, my friend. Bob


 Comment Written 10-Apr-2021


reply by the author on 10-Apr-2021
    Thank you, Bob. I've given up making a place on my mantle for an added trophy, lol, but it's good that a writer of your caliber finds it worthy.

reply by Mastery on 10-Apr-2021
    Don't you dare give up Jay. You are by far the most talented writer on this site. :) Bob
Comment by
Father Flaps
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Great Scot! Jay, you shot a duck's leg off! Holy Smoke! The poor little bugger.
I always felt bad about the first time I fired a shotgun. My Uncle Bob had bought me a Cooey 12-gauge. And there was this porcupine innocently eating a poplar tree. They told me to shoot it. And I always did what my uncles told me to do. The poor bugger came crashing down 30 feet, dead as a doornail. I have felt guilty about it ever since. That's 54 years of guilt.
Well, you did a good job for 50 words. Good Luck in the contest! It brought back some memories.
Cheers,
Kimbob


 Comment Written 09-Apr-2021


reply by the author on 09-Apr-2021
    Well, it wasn't a duck. It was more like a sparrow (in my fictional imagination). But it was a BB gun, not a 12 gauge. At least the porcupine didn't know what hit him. Thanks for reading, Kimbob. I always appreciate your comments and stars!
Comment by
Susan Newell
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  Rank:  55
 
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This is rather dark to say the least, but well-written as always. I hate to think of a ten-year-old who would leave a wounded bird to die in the weeds. I also think thirty feet WOULD be close enough to see it flopping. I believe the correct spelling is BB.


 Comment Written 09-Apr-2021


reply by the author on 09-Apr-2021
    Thank you, Susan, for the compliment in spite of its darkness. I'd hate to think of a ten-year-old doing that, too. But 10 years is about the time for sociopathy to show its beginnings. I'll change bb to BB. Thanks for the help.

reply by Susan Newell on 09-Apr-2021
    You are welcome.
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
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Hi, Jay,

Solid image in this dribble flash. The thrill of marksmenship, the humanity of recognizing the pain caused for the sake of ... shooting something alive.

This reads as contemplation meeting experience, and framing the experience in a way that highlights the suffering against the victory, thus ... drawing some negative connotations into the trophy. Distance from the pain can mute the connection to consequence, though reader feels tone implied, that the consequence might not override the accomplishement.

Easy to read and relate.


 Comment Written 09-Apr-2021


reply by the author on 09-Apr-2021
    "Distance from the pain can mute the connection to consequence," was precisely what I hoped the reader would take from this dribble flash. I remember reading once that the only thing that kept the bombardier sane whose bomb destroyed Hiroshima was his distance from his target. Thank you, Turtle. As always.
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