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Reviews from
Football - A Novel


Viewing comments for Chapter 71 "Football Chapter 42"

A mother faces life's struggles.

  30 total reviews 
Comment by
BLACKTITANIUM86
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  201
 
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First of all, I have to say...Nice Post of a good pic. It definitely
went with the subject matter. On the other side of the same token,
I think think this needs a little more action. But you are doing
a good job. Keep Writing. And definitely Stay Connected


 Comment Written 19-Jan-2022



reply by the author on 19-Jan-2022
    Again, it's a romance. I know men like action. I raised 4 boys. There's not a lot of action left in this one until the very end. Really the only action in this novel was the football games. Thank you.
Comment by
estory
Premier Author
north carolina
 
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  Rank:  188
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  Rank:  129
 
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This chapter read like a coming out dance for Katherine and Gabriel. They are now kind of 'official' in the school community, out in the open, in front of family and friends and students. As usual the dialogue was crisp and realistic, and you illustrated how each of the characters is settling into those idyllic roles. It's becoming a perfect world for Kath and Gabe. It is kind of long but I am also a believer in setting the parameters of posts to the thematic demands. I like posting whole stories, as complete pieces, the way they are meant to be read. But I don't know how it will go over on Fanstory. estory


 Comment Written 19-Jan-2022



reply by the author on 19-Jan-2022
    Most people said the length was okay, a few said too long. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment by
Pam (respa)
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  Rank:  39
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  Rank:  42
 
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A good image for the chapter, barbara. As a few have commented, the chapter is long. I read it in halves, but then it was hard to put it all together. I think half of it would have made two very good chapters.

You did a good job with the preparation leading up to the homecoming dance, and describing Jordan's concerns about the dance and what to do and say. I like that both Katherine and Gabe gave him good advice and answered all of his questions, and also gave him and his date space at the whole event.

One thing I wasn't sure of was who Marc, Sarah, Darrin, and Judy were. You described the situation, but the relationship wasn't clear so it didn't gel really well in the overall plot at that point.


 Comment Written 18-Jan-2022



reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
    They were simply students, other than showing Gabriel's relationship with students and the type of person he is they weren't really important. Thank you for the kind review. If I have another long post, I will split it.

reply by Pam (respa) on 18-Jan-2022
    You are very welcome. I think splitting is a good idea for a very long post.

reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
    In first chapter contests FS suggests 5,000 words for a chapter, this was only 4,000. I'll split the next one.

reply by Pam (respa) on 18-Jan-2022
    Thanks for sharing.
Comment by
Sanku
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  Rank:  115
 
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It was an interesting chapter,though long. The conversations was natural and I liked that you included a fight between two boys...Now we will come to some serious issues...


 Comment Written 18-Jan-2022



reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
    Thank you for the kind review.
Comment by
tfawcus
Level 3 Pro
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  Rank:  4
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  Rank:  50
 

#4 Ranked Novelist
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As always, slick and believable dialogue. You manage to perfectly convey all the excitement, anticipation, and nervousness associated with the event.
A few edits:

Gabriel knocked on Katherine's door, with Reggie at (t)his side.

"Let me guess[comma or m-dash] either Jeremy or Joshua don't like lasagna."

Who knew ordering food was (so) difficult.(?)

I'll pick (-) up dinner

She's drop[-]dead gorgeous

I think Marc understood. He's worried and looking [out?] for you.

Did you mean the wording here to be so close?
Her eyes met his. "How do you control students by doing nothing except being there? What's your secret?"
"I don't know. Maybe it's my size."

"All right." Katherine faced Jordan. "How does Gabriel keep student order by doing nothing but being there?"
"Probably his size and his presence.



 Comment Written 18-Jan-2022



reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
    Thank you. I think I got all the corrections made. At least I hope so. Thank you for the help.
Comment by
Iza Deleanu
Premier Author
 
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  Rank:  238
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  Rank:  65
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  Rank:  42
Script Rating
  Rank:  9
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  Rank:  28
 

#9 Ranked Script Writer
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Good post, and they are getting closer and closer. I laughed reading this part:""I'm honored to be the jock you allowed to escort you to Homecoming." He caressed her hand. "I'll be by your side most of the night. I'll probably have to make some sort of speech and break up a few guys rivaling over the same girl. Unless something unforeseen happens, I'm all yours." Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.


 Comment Written 17-Jan-2022



reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
    Thank you for the kind review.
Comment by
eliz100
Premier Author
 
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  Rank:  253 (+1)
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  Rank:  187
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  Rank:  201
 
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This was an enjoyable read. You moved the story along nicely. I am learning from you and others where to put the breaks in the chapter. There is no room for improvement. I look forward to the next chapter.


 Comment Written 17-Jan-2022



reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
    Thank you for the kind review.
Comment by
amahra
Beyond the Mirror
An indepth look into the soul
 
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  Rank:  19
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  Rank:  101
 
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Oh, no! Why did Gabriel say he wasn't too sure Katherine would say yes if he ask her to marry me? This doesn't sound good after all of their kissing, hugging, and talks of love.


 Comment Written 17-Jan-2022



reply by the author on 17-Jan-2022
    He can't figure Katherine out because she is anti-jock.
Comment by
Ric Myworld
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  Rank:  17
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  Rank:  30
 
Excellent
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Oh, boy, we're getting to the mushy stage. Well, I guess, that's what I'm supposed to call romantic. All the dancing cheek to cheek and playing smackie mouth. You sure covered lots of ground in this chapter, and in multiple directions. Thanks for sharing.


 Comment Written 17-Jan-2022



reply by the author on 17-Jan-2022
    This is about as mushy as it gets. Things begin to collapse. Thank you for the kind review.

reply by Ric Myworld on 17-Jan-2022
    Oh, no, not what I expected. LOL.
Comment by
Jay Squires
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  Rank:  1
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  Rank:  44
 

#1 Ranked Script Writer!
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I hope your decision to post only whole chapters doesn't rise up to bite you in the, er, hindquarters. Seriously, this was looooong. It was entertaining throughout, but I don't think you want readers to skim your chapters. Or worse yet, skip it. I was going to suggest you increase the font size, but to do that would make it appear even longer. I'm forced to paste it into word so I can increase the size to 14 font. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to finish it. Anyway, it went to 18 pages when on Word!

All that said, it was a delight to read. You covered all the bases in the preparation and the dance and aftermath, not leaving out the fight scene.

You did such a beautiful job capturing the frenzied pace of preparation for the dance.

I have a question about this exchange:
"I'm at a loss for words." {Gabriel Said}
Wow!" {Katherine said}
"Thank you." {Gabriel said ... But why did he say it? What was he thanking her for?]

Again, superb job


 Comment Written 17-Jan-2022



reply by the author on 17-Jan-2022
    I will check that area out. I write and post in 26 font size. I have no clue how it gets smaller. LOL I think this is the longest post. I know the next one is a lot shorter. Thank you for the kind review.
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