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Reviews from
My Enemy, My Friend


This is a romantic story set in a WWII POW camp

  57 total reviews 
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
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Rating of Chapter 44 -
Major, This Is Crazy!
Hi Nor,

I read through several chapters on my trip today, here are my notes for this chapter,


shower when you had him down here." (This was the kind of treatment I expected him to get in a prison, I thought the golden shower was good, set the mood and the situation)

(An interesting turn of events here, I didn't see to much to make me pause at all, Though I was anticipating what Sergi's choice direction would be for Hans. I like the mutual respect between them, and the decision to use Hans as a medic. Also like the new conflict/ obsticle placed between Hans and Tanya. A pretty smooth chapter here.)

Turtle.


 Comment Written 20-Feb-2011



reply by the author on 21-Feb-2011
    Oh yes, the lovely Aksana. As you'll see, she turns out to be a wuss, or Hans might really have been pulled in. Glad you like the switch.
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
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Rating of Chapter 43 -
I Want You Out of My Sight!
Hi Nor,

I get a lot of reading done on road trips, but though I seem to enjoy reading more on road trips, I seem to find less things to pick at. I burned through several chapters, I liked the turns. Here's the notes I took for this one.


is soaked with fresh blood.(I don't think Ivanovich's thoughts are needed so much in this chapter. especially this one)


time. Schmidt, get off that damned table and [stand up to](suggest deleting stand up to, redundant to get off the table) face me!"


to do, give you a medal [for it]?"
(is 'for it' needed)


since you brought him here, he's given me one headache after another.(I suggest to give some sort of stimulus here for him to contridict the start of what he is saying here ... maybe looking into Tanya's eyes... her brave but woeful face... something?) But all right, it can wait 'til morning."

out of my sight."
"Yes, I know, Major, but (this is for Nicky's well being)...I need to tell you something important." (I really think this could be more straight... like Hans shouldn't use the Generic 'something important' Men get to the point and it would transition better into what Ivanovich is feeling in the next sentence, with him noting that Hans isn't pleading for himself, with less disconnect.)


(good tension with Sergie putting Hans in the hole and having hero and heroine go off in their own corners to feel bad about being separated. That adds a strong emotional empathy. My biggest concerns here, Some of Sergies thoughts get in the way, his transition from Saying no to yes without a stimuli, and most important, the section where Hans says, can I ask a question, it's important, the flow felt off. I had to go with a four with that cause I felt pretty strong about the order of operation, but the chapter was entertaining, and I liked the tension of Sergei calling Hans's lie)

Turtle

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 Comment Written 20-Feb-2011



reply by the author on 21-Feb-2011
    First, thanks. This review got this old chapter the "recognized" blurb from Fanstory. Second ... Well, I simply have to print out all these reviews, because you see things I miss. In the revision, I'll probably keep the POV characters down to Hans and Tanya, possibly Sergei, but not so much thinking form anybody. Sergei does way too much of it here, and Hans might have been the better POV character. Great review.
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
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Rating of Chapter 42 -
Meant to Kill you, Didn't You Know?
Hi Nor,

Read through this conclusion of the Streicher threat. I'm not sure I like the long delay between Franz's death and Streichers because there are so many people outside, just hanging about. Maybe the threats and stuff should come before Hans kills him? Then once he makes his move... no more talk?

Something to consider but the action was good and I didn't have any real adverse complaints. I was just thinking of 'True Lies' where Arnold tells the guy who's torturing him he was going to kill him, and then his friends, and the torturer just laughed it off.

(also noted a few missing spaces)

Even I do not have it(that?)."

cups for his men. Had to go to your quarters for them."(a character return needed here)Did something pass between
positioned himself beside Nicky. (character return here?) Hans, no stranger to the procedure, took Nicky's hand and
Franz came forward to wrap the boy's arm in plastered dressings. (character return?) Funny, Hans thought. There's

My right hand feels like it belongs to somebody else, and that somebody is in real trouble. (Did Hans mean himself in real trouble? I paused here to understand what Hans means)

twitching body.( )Streicher backed away, wide-eyed. "You
(needs a space)

One thing I think I would have liked for the Streicher conflict is a reminder for whey he wants to kill Hans. I know why Hans wants to kill Streicher.

Turtle.


 Comment Written 13-Feb-2011



reply by the author on 21-Feb-2011
    All good points, Turtle. Like I said, I have to go through these and copy them to Word so I can watch it in the revision.
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
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Rating of Chapter 41 -
Proceed, Major. Do Your Worst.
Hi Nor,

Read through this chapter,
I know you might be planning to thin some of the internal thoughts, some of Streicher's I thought, were good cadidate to go, but not all -- for instances where he says in his mind, I'll ask shmidt, and then he asks shmidt, there's an echo. kind of like....

I'll walk to the store, she thought. July walked to the store.


wide, frightened eyes* to Hans. "It's all right, Nicky. He needs to examine your arm, but I'm right here."

Nicky nodded, his mournful dark eyes*
(a lot of focus on Nicky's frightened wide dark mournful eyes... something to consider)

Other than that, this was a cringing sort of chapter in a good way. The exchange was fun and believable for me, (my cousin recently almost got car jacked (late last year and took a letter opener through the arm. The police wanted him to take the ambulance ride to the hospital, but he wasn't having it. They explained, he had evidence in his arm, so he yanked it out and handed it over to the police and drove himself to the hospital. Yikes. The guy who stabbed him in the arm explained, he was trying to stab him in the chest, but he blocked him. Sorry. This memory flashed in my mind because I did a lot of cringing when I heard the story, and when Hans is getting the treatment and such, caused some cringing too.

Good exciting chapter.

Turtle.


 Comment Written 11-Feb-2011



reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
    I'm not even sure that I want Streicher to be a point of view character. It might be spookier if we can't see into his mind. We'll see what happens. Glad I made you cringe. When your cousin jerked the letter opener out of his arm, didn't that mess up the evidence? I can understand that it hurt being in there, though. Interesting story. Evidently, the scene of Hans getting his hand sewn up worked, but I might've overdone it with Nicky's dark eyes.

reply by --Turtle. on 12-Feb-2011
    He said it hurt a heck of a lot more coming out than it did going in, or just impaled there. (said he broke into a sweat pulling it out cause the pain was pretty bad) He didn't use his bare hand though, used his shirt, wrapped it around the handle, and handed off the whole bundle.

    My cousin is an interesting guy, struck by lightning twice, thwarted random mugging attempts more than a typical person should ever be mugged in a lifetime, and struck nearly blind by a sandbag that fell on his head at work.

    He had a hard time after getting stabbed with the letter opener, because he had recently been bitten by a snake that had salimila, so with his immune system struggling, he caught pnemonia. He's doing better now though.

reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
    Good heavens! Where does he live? Los Angeles? New York City? Must be one tough guy. You could use him in the story, he sounds a little like Hans.

reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
    Good heavens! Where does he live? Los Angeles? New York City? Must be one tough guy. You could use him in a story, he sounds a little like Hans.

reply by --Turtle. on 12-Feb-2011

    Works in Detroit. I wouldn't cross him, for sure! But really, he's a good humored geek, (which is a good thing) who happens to be big and bad too.
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
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Rating of Chapter 40 -
What A Woman You Are!
Hi Nor,

I really wanted to see what happened next, how the events played between striker facing off with Hans


[If they try to stop me going with Nick, it might be otherwise.] (suggestion to delete this line because it is repeatitve of a simular thought from last chapter, and the comment Hans thinks just before this line does a nice job of expressing that he would fight if not allowed)


"One thing more, Sir,(.) I respectfully request it be

"You can't let him! It's barbaric!"
(I don't understand why Tanya would get in the way here, she knows that Striker is dangerous, right? that he injected Nicky with infection? This confused me a bit.

Trust me to know what must be done."
( Tanya is losing her credibility as a Captain a small bit in this section for me.)


Be reasonable, sweetheart, you can't protect me."
(sweetheart? I paused on it, felt like it didn't help the feeling like Tanya turned into a pretty girl, who should be seen and not heard so much.)

After she gave him the knife, I liked best. The scene flowed well, though I did pause on some of Tanya's behavior, I thought the end kiss was really touching and was eager to see what happened next.

Turtle.


 Comment Written 11-Feb-2011



reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
    Tanya got in the way because she couldn't imagine having a severely cut hand sewed together without a local anesthetic. Actually, she hasn't seen all that much. She's in the Army, but she's been an administrator at this prison camp and never in combat. I will try to tighten her up, make her more commanding. Unfortunately, my female characters are not as good as my males. Strange, but true.
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
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Rating of Chapter 39 -
He is Not Getting Nicky Alone!
Hi Nor,

finally catching up to all the things I wanted to read,
These chapters are ramping up in action, balancing on a cusp with Hans being dragged in to face Sergi, and Nicky in danger.... and being placed in Strieker's hands. Ends on a good cliff hanger.

Nicky ended the kiss and stepped back, once more supporting (I still really liked this little surprise,)


Nick, I...I just don't know what to say."
(I like the awkward, but not overreacting reaction from Hans too)

The gash in his hand stung as if to remind him it, too, (
(was the gash still bleeding?)

The well-lit infirmary smelled of carbolic and alcohol,

[just as he knew it would].
(wondered if this was needed)

(With?)The adrenaline rush fading, he felt the effects of

Turtle.


 Comment Written 11-Feb-2011



reply by the author on 12-Feb-2011
    When I wrote this a few years ago, one of my fans had commented that she thought Nicky might be in love with Hans. I hadn't seen that, and I didn't want to take it too far, but thought it was a nice touch. Hans, of course, was shocked. I see the parts of the internal monologue need to go throughout this section. I really appreciate having a relatively new reader ?? someone who has not been familiar with Hans ?? take a look at this.
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
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Rating of Chapter 38 -
This Is Good-Bye, I Think
Hi Nor,

I read through this chapter, pretty neat! I wasn't expecting Nicky to kiss Hans, I enjoyed that a lot.



Tears stung the back of her eyes.
(did you mean eyelids?)



expression: [To] keep a stiff upper lip. It means not to
(felt an urge to suggest deleting 'to'

"Right. No time to shave."
(wondered if the going to the mirror to shave was appropriate, for me it interrupted the darkening mood)

That Hans is such a charmer in his ornery ways, even the boys can't resist. Very touching moment.

Turtle.


 Comment Written 07-Feb-2011



reply by the author on 07-Feb-2011
    He-he... One of my fans said, as I got near this chapter, that they thought Nicky had a thing for Hans. Well, I thought, why not? Hans certainly is VERY straight. So I had the kissing scene. You're probably right about his wanting to shave. The "To" is an attempt to show English, although he's fluent, is not his first language. A German would probably say "It means to keep a ..."

    Yeah, I warned you, Turtle. Hans has a way of getting the ladies (and sometimes Nicky) to notice him. thanks for the review, as always.
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
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Rating of Chapter 37 -
Looks Like Flyboy Wins This Round
Hi Nor,

Read through this chapter, Very high action. Interesting how Ulman dies before he can really explain himself. Poor Nicky. Did Ulman stick Nicky on accident... I missed when it exactly happened, or was Nicky just panicking when he got knocked into?

I was surprised Hans broke his arm, I don't think it needs to change, but my reaction was, woah, he couldn't have disarmed him by knocking him unconscious instead. Poor Nicky, now he has to die of infection WITH a broken arm... (was what I thought)

An exciting chapter, some of the inner thoughts might have slowed things down, though not all. The last section, at the end, I found Hans's thoughts working well.


throat. Hans pounced, felt the sting as it cut him, but
(where did he get cut?)

(Did Nicky scream when his arm was broken?)


Tanya yelled again, demanding words meaning 'stop.'
(I wasn't sure about the demanding words meaning stop.


At first, the guards held him up while the
(I didn't understand why 'At first' was emphasised. Why not just the guards held him up while the room spun. It almost implies that later, they let go while the room spun.)

Exciting chapter, wanted to see what happened next.

Turtle.


 Comment Written 06-Feb-2011



reply by the author on 06-Feb-2011
    I don't think I had Nicky scream when his arm snapped, but then I didn't scream when I smashed a kneecap or broke a wrist, and he's a tough little guy. I may change that, though. Yes, he was stuck with the deadly needle. I'll have to look at the chapter . Sounds like it needs something. Don't know if Ulman will be in the revision or not, but if so he probably won't have a POV. He's a very secondary character. Thanks, Turtle, as always.
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
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Rating of Chapter 36 -
It Was All Arranged, Wasn't It?

(Hi Nor, I read through this chapter. I always worry I'm doing a poor job in reviewing, so if it looks like I'm off the mark, I understand. I just try to relate what I experience and think as I go through, the thoughts that make me pause and which commas or phrases I would change. I won't pull the commas forward unless they change the sentence meaning to something confusing. I realize this is an omniscient narrator story, but sometimes when I get a freefall of the hops happening too quickly, Or I'm unprepared for it, I point it out. It may just be because I'm not partial to omniscient pov, that some scenes would have more impact from one pov instead of being in both heads in fast succession, I'm not sure.


His right eyebrow lifted.(He lifted his right eyebrow?) "Oh? Why must I be first? He is the one who caused all the trouble, not I."



Hans stood naked except for his grass-stained, muddy trousers. (On?) Hearing Rostov with Tanya in the kitchen, [ he took ] (he'd taken? this happened before he stood naked, so figured the had and On... to stand for when he'd heard, maybe the whole sentence need to be transferred to something that had happened before standing naked.) time only for his pants, thinking to protect her.



get the medicine in (adminsiter the medicine?... thought 'get the medicine in' an odd phrase if Franz works with major with the sick people often)

(I think this is the first time I've realized Ulma being gay, not sure if Shmitd thought it in the last chapter, as a good reason why he was expendable, might have missed it, it came as a surprise to me)

Ulman trembled with relief. Franz was right about the tower guns, thank God. [ They knew I would be coming. Franz said it was all right. ](I think the additional thoughts (in braces) were a bit much. The fact that he thanked God, and Franz was right about the tower guns indicates and reminds about the conversation that they were bribed, so the rest feels expository)

I like that Ulman almost stuck Gregor with the needle... that would have been very misfortunate so added a bit of suspense. I'm not sure I liked the abundance of thought versus some sensory descriptions, creaking doors, the sound that actually made Ulman turn, but the inner voice did give the emotional sense, and the level of Ulman's ignorance of the true situation he's become apart of. This section of the story concentrated on moving Striekers murder attempt forward and showed Nicky as a good friend, to be so concerned.

Turtle.


 Comment Written 03-Feb-2011



reply by the author on 04-Feb-2011
    Actually, at least in US hospital, "get the medicine in" is the terms doctors and nurses often use for "inject." See, I worked at the local hospital as the medical staff's secretary, had friends that were registered nurses too. This may not be in the rewrite. I'm always studying, and POV should be limited to the main characters. Not even sure Ulman will be in the story because I'm not at that part yet. Always good to have your rection, my friend. I agree this may have too many switchbacks, although I did like Hans coming in from behind. A lot of "thought" is getting cut or shortened in the new manuscript. It's sort of going out of style, I think.
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
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Rating of Chapter 35 -
Then He Has to Die!
Hi Nor,

I read through this chapter, really liked the interchange between Tanya and Girsha, liked the exposure of Streiker's plans.

A few sections I paused where the POV didn't feel secure, which I felt could use some ironing.


At length, she sensed his wakefulness, given away perhaps by an unintentional twitch. (POV?) (I paused to consider it)


"Poor Grisha. He can't be very happy, [since it's obvious we spent the night together]." I wondered about this part of the dialog, wouldn't it be more believable her saying something like, he can't be very happy I spent the night with you.) Not a big deal, I just paused.

think, not complaining." He let her go[,] and slid down to


You didn't want me, and he does."
(I enjoyed this dialog between Tanya and Girsha, drew me in)

He didn't have the language to tell Rostov to let go, so he barked commands in German like an officer on a parade ground. (I wasn't sure about who's perspective I was experiencing this part in. I'm not sure I liked the 'he didn't have the language, part... as it's established Hans doesn't speak)

[Killing a guard would have been the end of Leutnant Schmidt,]
(This line felt a bit redundant to the concept just before it.)

Franz blanched at Major Streicher's tirade[,] and turned to


Make some excuse[ to him].
(Give him some excuse?)

Ulman has an assignation with one of the guards near the

He smiled[,] and laid down his pen. Sometimes, I am surprised at my own cleverness.

I like the show of plot, allowing it to unfold as it forms in Striechers mind, Now the reader will wait to see what happens when he sets the plan in motion.

Turtle


 Comment Written 31-Jan-2011



reply by the author on 31-Jan-2011
    Hi, Turtle. OK, the "he didn't have the language" meant that Hans couldn't speak to Rostov in Russian and so he barked commands in German. It's still Hans's POV, sort of an omniscient narrator speaking for him. Oh yes, my old comma problem is throughout the book. I always stuck a comma in before 'and' because I didn't know it was wrong when all the action belonged to the same character. Maybe it wasn't always wrong, ya know? Things change. Once upon a time, today was spelled to-day. That was before my time, but I've seen it in old books. It used to be proper to put a comma before "too" but it isn't now. That change did happen in my lifetime.

reply by --Turtle. on 31-Jan-2011
    I thought it was Tanya's POV, because she was in the room first, and because she's the only one who could understand both Russian and German.

    I hear you on the comma thing, not always wrong. I think it works especially when a need for pause for effect, works for afterthought. And really, if consistent, ... a lot of books I read still use the comma before and all the time.

    I still use the comma before too.

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