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Dark Tales


Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "A Night In the Black Forest"

A collection of short tales of the supernatural

  60 total reviews 
Comment by
ROBbury
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
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Great sense of suspense. Well done!

There were enough clues in the story to make the ending plausible.

The description of the forest and weather really added to the story's success.


 Comment Written 06-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 06-Feb-2007
    Thanks, ROB. I visited the black forest, home of cuckoo clocks, even walked through part of it. Not scarey, beautiful Guess it was scarey a couple hundre years ago, though, and there are all those legends about ghosts and witches and dwarves and werewolves.
Comment by
signingsis
 
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oh my your creepy tale certainly kept me on the egge of my seat

it is well written, vivid imagery, I was right there fighting the storm, arriving at the cabin and my heart nearly skipped a beat when the old man locked the door.

Hope you will do well in the contest.


 Comment Written 06-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 06-Feb-2007
    Thanks, Signingsis. Glad you liked my little fairy tale. Just bought a book of fairy tales and ordered a second one on Ebay, so may try to come up with something else sometime.
Comment by
AShamanSong
 
 
Excellent
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Wow! The desciption in this story is powerful!

It has an excellent hook. I immediately wanted to keep on reading:))

I love this story, and I look forward to reading more of your work:)


 Comment Written 06-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 06-Feb-2007
    Thanks, AShamanSong. I just reposted "it began with bloody cookies" tonight, and there is a chapter of the book kicking around paying good points (Major, that's crazy) if you want to read couple of things that are still paying good points.
Comment by
balance67
 
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Heh! Heh! Heh! This was funny and interesting.

I liked the banter between Hansel and Bette, especially with different cultures and how Hansel's village "is still in the dark ages..." and he doesn't have a cellphone. The infusion of German dialect is skillfully added.

The visual of the network of lightning aside a black sky was wise and a sight to behold while keeping in mind the story. I liked the twist, where Hansel was a werewolf, and he wanted Bette to himself. Funny, too.

Good story. Best of luck to you in the future.


 Comment Written 06-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 06-Feb-2007
    Well, Balance, good to hear from you. I just hope it's scary enough. Thanks for liking it.

reply by balance67 on 06-Feb-2007
    Of course.  Though more creepy than scary, you did a fine job.  Take care.
Comment by
vanillatte
 
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Oooh, very, very creepy nor!

I like the way you built the suspense up until the very, very end, revealing only what you needed to keep the reader guessing.

Excellent modern take, blending many old fairy tales together.

No errors I could find. Wonderful.

Best of luck.

VL


 Comment Written 06-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 06-Feb-2007
    I'm ordering some fairy tale books to see if they spark any more ideas like this one. It was sort of fun to write, after I got it going. Started out as Hansel an Gretel, then Hansel told me he was a werewolf (any writer will understand that--the rest of the world would think I was nuts.)

reply by vanillatte on 06-Feb-2007
    I absolutely understand!
Comment by
JWisher
 
 
Excellent
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Great story. I really enjoyed the modern take on an old fairy tale. This one would have made the brothers Grimm proud. I didn't see anything that needed fixing. Very well done.


 Comment Written 06-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 06-Feb-2007
    Thanks, J. I appreciate your comments, and I'm glad you liked it.
Comment by
authorauthor
 
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Excellent
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very good narrative...I liked how you added the italics...you build the tension well...crafting the relationship slowly...you utilize the elemental power of the dark...the metaphor of the foriegner...and the eyes...in my opinion a very skillfull talent shows all through this work...good luck in the contest


 Comment Written 06-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 06-Feb-2007
    Hi, Openess. Oh, the eyes. They kind of just happened. I just hope it's scarey enough for "horror".
Comment by
Aelriche
 
 
Good
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You have a good story idea here, one that could prove to be exceptionally chilling. I think there are two things that need work.
First, I think that when your characters are speaking, their dialogue needs a little more description - to make them sound like real people having a real conversation. Perhaps beefing up the actual dialogue itself would be useful as well...
Second, I think perhaps a bit more detail is required around the whole process of the story, particularly at the end of the story. You have this great build up and then the story ends rather abruptly. If you go through it again and beef up the language a bit and give some idea as to what Bette is feeling as she realizes what is going on, the story could be a bit more chilling.
By the way, cliches aside, I love the use of "It was a dark and stormy night!"


 Comment Written 05-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 06-Feb-2007
    OK, I beefed up that ending and a few more places. If you have time, would you mind taking another look?

reply by Aelriche on 06-Feb-2007
    Hello again. Great job with the story changes. I like how Bette slowly realizes who she is dealing with near the end.
    I like, by the way, your use of Germany and the Black Forest. I was in Germany a few years ago and visited the Black Forest and it is the perfect setting for a fairy tale or a good story. I remember visiting the archaic clock shops around the forest. I digress.
    Good job with the changes and thanks very much for the contest nomination, it means a lot to have one's opinions valued.
    Cheers.

reply by the author on 06-Feb-2007
    Ah, the Black Forest. I woke in a hotel there, on a rainy morning, listening to the song of "die Amstel". If you don't know, that's a blackbird. My friend in Bremen had a family of them in his back yard. Best trip I ever took to a foreign country.

    As for the vote, you deserved it. I do a lot of reviews, and I know that half the time if a reviewer takes the trouble to help, they get a curt "thank you," if that. A couple of people have gotten downright hostile, but you know how it goes.
Comment by
Guy Anthony De Marco
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
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Clever upgrade to Little Red Riding Hood.

[Now it will not be so dark in the deep and terrible woods] Fine for foreshadowing, but this goes against everything else he says to Bette. He's trying to calm her down, then says the woods are deep and terrible. Just my humble opinion :) won't count that against the stars.

Nice contest entry, it should do very well.


 Comment Written 05-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 05-Feb-2007
    Well, it can be taken two ways. I meant for him to be mocking her a little, teasing about the "deep and terrible woods" that were scaring her, showing that he's going to protect her. Guess it didn't work.
Comment by
Swagman
 
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Excellent
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This is a bizarre, enjoyable, readable tale along the lines of Brothers Grimm. I enjoyed the movie so it's not too difficult to imagine this kind of tale. Poor girl. I think it has great potential for a second part but that's an after-thought. Good use of description and scenery setting. I really got a feel for a dark, terrible, wet, lightning lit night.


 Comment Written 05-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 05-Feb-2007
    Thanks, Swag. I may try to do some more of these tales. Just ordered Grimms on Ebay for a reference. Appreciate the review and the stars.
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