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Reviews from
Dark Tales
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "A Night In the Black Forest"
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A collection of short tales of the supernatural
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60 total reviews
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Comment by| Recognized Reviewer | | | | | | Review Stars
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Well written, except for the confusion with the italics.
Even the moon hid its face behind scuttling black clouds, (Wouldn't readers naturally assume no moon on a dark stormy night?)
Eighteen year-old Hansel glanced at the American girl walking beside him. (Eighteen-year-old [Two hyphens.])
A flash of lightening illuminated her wide eyes and wet face. (lightning [You got it right the first time.])
"We'll have to go into the forest," he said. "There is an old woodcutter's cottage I know where we can shelter until the storm blows over." (That shouldn't be in italics.)
Rain sheeted down, washing their faces, soaking their clothes. Even his good wool jacket could not withstand the deluge. He reached into his breast pocket and took out a small flashlight. "See? Now it will not be so dark in the deep and terrible woods." (Shouldn't be in italics.)
Lightning split the sky again, two forks this time, bright enough to light their way. It was never like this at home. Sure, rain fell, but not like some god poured it from a bucket. Hansel's warm hand tightened and she looked up. Why did his eyes shine like that? Odd. The storm and the night are getting to me. His eyes can't gleam yellow. It's my imagination, or a trick of the lightning. (Shouldn't be all in italics:
Lightning split the sky again, two forks this time, bright enough to light their way. It was never like this at home. Sure, rain fell, but not like some god poured it from a bucket. Hansel's warm hand tightened and she looked up. Why did his eyes shine like that? Odd. The storm and the night are getting to me. His eyes can't gleam yellow. It's my imagination, or a trick of the lightning. )
"No, we were quite once happy in Freudenstadt until my uncle had some trouble there. ( Odd phrasing - is he meant to be speaking English as a second language, or something. I suggest: "No, we were once quite happy ... )
The sky cracked, or so it seemed, as once more jagged twin forks danced across the heavens. (Delete "once" - superfluous word.)
What do you want? (I think that may be better in italics - it's actually her thoughts translating the German.)
"Good, child. Good. Come join us for our meal." (Shouldn't be in italics.)
She shrugged and got up. Hansel pulled out a chair and held it for her. An unreadable look passed between the men, but she ignored it as the little hut trembled in the storm. (Shouldn't be in italics.)
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Comment Written 03-Feb-2007 |
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reply by the author on 03-Feb-2007
The Fanstory Advanced editor hates me! Spags fixed -- I think.
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Teresa Shortess | | | Poet Rating
 Rank: 43  (+6) | Author Rating For Short Works
 | Author Rating For Novels
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Rank: 41 | | | |
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Comment by | | Patricia | | | | | Poet Rating
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