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Dark Tales


Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "A Night In the Black Forest"

A collection of short tales of the supernatural

  60 total reviews 
Comment by
hopeishigh
 
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Iike the way you combined the two stories which kept me reading and it was very interesting, her mind was working, but she just kept going along with everything he said, well written with very good flow to it that I enjoyed, wonderful !!!@


 Comment Written 03-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 03-Feb-2007
    Glad you liked it, and I appreciate my five stars.
Comment by
GrandmaSharon
 
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The story is well written and it was a dark and stormy night all right. This is more horror than general don't you think?

Best wishes with the contest
Sharon


 Comment Written 03-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 03-Feb-2007
    Well, no. Just a horney little werewolf looking for a mate. Not real horror.

reply by GrandmaSharon on 03-Feb-2007
    Oh -- if you say so. ;-} Sharon
Comment by
Cat Morris
 
 
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Nor84,
I could hear the thunder and feel the wet clothes weighing her down. Very descriptive. I like her thinking, it gives us insight into her personality.

This part~ but often they had to force their way through the middle.~ was odd, you can't get through the middle of rocks and branches. Maybe they would have to climb over?

The rest was scary, I thought she was a goner until the question, are you married? caused doubts. A good re-write of Red Riding Hood, to be sure. I'd like to read the next chapter to see how Bette adapts, or escapes.
Cat Morris


 Comment Written 03-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 03-Feb-2007
    Well, Cat, it's a short story for a contest so there is no next chapter. Maybe she decided she didn't want to escape. Hansel is cute. I'll look at the rocks and branches thing.
Comment by
    Recognized Reviewer
suneagle
 
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Well written, except for the confusion with the italics.

Even the moon hid its face behind scuttling black clouds, (Wouldn't readers naturally assume no moon on a dark stormy night?)

Eighteen year-old Hansel glanced at the American girl walking beside him. (Eighteen-year-old [Two hyphens.])

A flash of lightening illuminated her wide eyes and wet face. (lightning [You got it right the first time.])

"We'll have to go into the forest," he said. "There is an old woodcutter's cottage I know where we can shelter until the storm blows over." (That shouldn't be in italics.)

Rain sheeted down, washing their faces, soaking their clothes. Even his good wool jacket could not withstand the deluge. He reached into his breast pocket and took out a small flashlight. "See? Now it will not be so dark in the deep and terrible woods." (Shouldn't be in italics.)

Lightning split the sky again, two forks this time, bright enough to light their way. It was never like this at home. Sure, rain fell, but not like some god poured it from a bucket. Hansel's warm hand tightened and she looked up. Why did his eyes shine like that? Odd. The storm and the night are getting to me. His eyes can't gleam yellow. It's my imagination, or a trick of the lightning. (Shouldn't be all in italics:
Lightning split the sky again, two forks this time, bright enough to light their way. It was never like this at home. Sure, rain fell, but not like some god poured it from a bucket. Hansel's warm hand tightened and she looked up. Why did his eyes shine like that? Odd. The storm and the night are getting to me. His eyes can't gleam yellow. It's my imagination, or a trick of the lightning. )

"No, we were quite once happy in Freudenstadt until my uncle had some trouble there. ( Odd phrasing - is he meant to be speaking English as a second language, or something. I suggest: "No, we were once quite happy ... )

The sky cracked, or so it seemed, as once more jagged twin forks danced across the heavens. (Delete "once" - superfluous word.)

What do you want? (I think that may be better in italics - it's actually her thoughts translating the German.)

"Good, child. Good. Come join us for our meal." (Shouldn't be in italics.)

She shrugged and got up. Hansel pulled out a chair and held it for her. An unreadable look passed between the men, but she ignored it as the little hut trembled in the storm. (Shouldn't be in italics.)

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 Comment Written 03-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 03-Feb-2007
    The Fanstory Advanced editor hates me! Spags fixed -- I think.
Comment by
Teri7
Premier Author
Teresa Shortess
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  30
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  29
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  55
 
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You just never cease to amaze me. lol I never know what you are going to come up with next. I am not ready to give up Hans yet. This was a very good story with great imagery. Good job as always. Hugs, Teri


 Comment Written 03-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 03-Feb-2007
    Of course, this is just a short story, Teri. An entry in a contest. And you will NEVER want to give up Hans Schmidt. That's part of his power over us.

reply by Teri7 on 03-Feb-2007
    Oh yes. He is the best! Jon will hate him too. lol Just think I have a handsome Marine in Germany that would kill him. lol

reply by the author on 03-Feb-2007
    Oooh, no! In 2007, Hans would be 87! Your Jon would never kill an old man.
Comment by
BellasTales
 
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Hi Nor,

I had to read you.. I thought this was a very good story. I loved the opening, the imagery was great. I thought the piece moved at a good pace. Nicely written

Bella


 Comment Written 03-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 03-Feb-2007
    Thanks, Bella. Glad you liked it, and appreciate the review.
Comment by
KalleeMerra
 
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Ahh, the old ways die hard, don't they? the Black Forest is still very black and harbors many an ancient tale. And, after all, who knows, they may be true after all!

thank you for sharing,
kallee merra


 Comment Written 03-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 03-Feb-2007
    I read a few of those tales when I researched this. Very interesting. I visited there once. Woke on a rainy morning to an Amsel (blackbird) singing. Not spooky at all, just romantic.
Comment by
Oatmeal
Oatmeal
 
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Nora,

I enjoyed reading your scary story very much. It was a nice little tale. I saw no SPAG. No room for improvement. I did find an Oops though-

She stubbed her toe on a rock, but Hansel caught her about the (wait). Hansel?even his

**isn't this supposed to be waist?

It's a quick fix. I look forward to seeing you again.

Love,

Oatmeal



 Comment Written 03-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 03-Feb-2007
    Oh dear, thanks for the eagle eye, Oatmeal.
Comment by
samandlancelot
Patricia
 
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Great story. Well written. I was captivated throughout and couldn't wait to find out what would happen next. You are a creative storyteller.

In Jesus' Name,

Patricia


 Comment Written 03-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 03-Feb-2007
    Thanks, Paticia. What a struggle this one was. First, I read what I could find of the black forest legends. I've been there. Woke in a hotel on a rainy morning, listening to the son of an Amstel (German blackbird). Very romantic. Hard to make it spooky.
Comment by
Ameraka
 
 
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Love the description of the storm and the woods such as 'The branches of the ancient fir trees by the old graveyard whipped in the wind'... and 'All she smelled were ozone and wet pine needles'. I liked the split point of view--it could have been confusing but it wasn't. I liked the "Germany" and 'real fairytail' theme. Poor girl!

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 03-Feb-2007


reply by the author on 03-Feb-2007
    Thank you so much. I visited the black forest once, woke on a rainy morning listening to the song of an Amstel (blackbird). Not spooky at all!
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