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Reviews from
'Dear' Crossing


Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The 'Sleeping Dog' Awakes"

An investigation into a grisly death in Widmer, MN

  22 total reviews 
Comment by
Ambrosia_Babe
 
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g'DAY BABE,

here we go .... lol


The smell of Scotch was pervasive...REMOVE THIS. YOU MENTIONED THE STENCH THREE LINES ABOVE. THE SENTECE WORKS WITHOUT THIS, AND CUTS DOWN ON DOUBLE UP INFORMATION.

Let it show on the record(,) I?ve been read my rights....

SUGGEST REMOVING THIS COMMA.

EITHER REMOVE THE COMMA AND LET IT BE ONE SETNENCE AS YOU WOULD SPEAK IT IN REAL LIFE, OR IF YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT TWO SEPERATE FRAGMENTS SWAP THE COMMA WITH "THAT" AND LINK THEM. IT LENDS MORE FLUIDLY TO THE SARCASIM ONE WOULD EXPECT RAY TO BE EMPLOYING.

love to you xx ABxx :)


 Comment Written 11-Dec-2007



reply by the author on 11-Dec-2007
    Got it. Thanks, AB! It's great seeing you back again.

    Marjorie

Comment by
Minataur
 
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Did they make you judge, jury and warden too, now, Junior ('now' jars the flow of the sentence. Of course, since it's speech, no telling what folks will say.).

Terrific characterizations, smooth dialog, keeps your previous fast pace. Awesome.

Hugs,

Maggie


 Comment Written 05-Dec-2007



reply by the author on 05-Dec-2007
    Woohoo! Thank you, Maggie.

    Marjorie
Comment by
davidray
 
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Hi again, Marjorie. I am enjoying reading this. You have a real good story moving along nicely. Your interactions are very enjoyable. Here's some things I found:

-He could see Ray Schiller from the doorway. (He saw)

-Certain that he was aware of his presence, Woody tired of waiting for acknowledgment. (Having his presence felt, Woody tired of waiting ...)

-But for the prominent swelling around his right cheekbone, there was no other obvious sign of damage. (Other than the prominent swelling around his right cheekbone, ...)

-A cop is a cop twenty-four hours a day on duty or off. (on and off duty.)

-Woody?s face took on a hardness of its own. (Woody's face hardened.)

-?As long as you?re in this town, you do answer to me. (remove 'do')

-In Chicago you may have been hot shit, here you?re just a big (a semicolon after 'shit', not a comma)

- Why don?t you go find yourself a lake or an ocean or something of sufficient size to sustain a talent like yourself.? (This is a question, right? Question mark.)

-?I can?t even deny that there may be some truth to that tribute crack of yours, (there are 2 'that' in this sentence. Being an ugly word the majority of the times, you should drop one. I say the first one goes.)

-Tonight won?t have helped you any, and it won?t be forgotten come next election.? (Tonight won't help you any ...)

-Damn. I shouldn?t even have come (Damn. I shouldn't have come.)
I really am enjoying this story, Marjorie. Keep up the great work!!
I hate being critical, but I am only trying to help. You're the best!! :)


 Comment Written 20-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 20-Oct-2007
    Don't worry, David, criticism is good ... when it's constructive, and yours is! I've just come back from editing. I did use a number of your suggestions. In the case of dialogue, I don't concern myself with perfect grammar. Few people speak perfectly, so it becomes a matter of conveying realism. They're also not always concise. Those dialogue lines, I've basically left alone. The rest? Right on, David!

    I hope you know how much I appreciate your reading and reviewing. Thank you for your help. Please, keep it up.

    Thanks loads.

    Marjorie
Comment by
azbukivedi
 
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This was an excellent chapter. I've got no suggestions. Very natural dialogue, great plotting, realistic emotions. Well, it's probably been ironed before I got to it. :)))


 Comment Written 20-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 20-Oct-2007
    Yup! Ironed out with the help of everyone here. Of course, there are probably still things that slipped by. So, if you notice anything that you question, please, please, let me know. I definitely consider every suggestion that comes my way.

    Marjorie
Comment by
ransomme
 
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You are painting a very good picture of what the characters personality is all about.
I feel for Ray but I am convinced that he will come out on top.


 Comment Written 15-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 16-Oct-2007
    This is strange, reading your replies in the reverse order they were written. LOL

    I hope you don't mind. I'm just taking them in the order they appear on my screen. It's just a matter of checking which chapter we're talking about. LOL

    Thanks very much, Ransomme! I'm glad you're following the story.

    Marjorie
Comment by
Pit Bull Mom
 
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Okay, obviously this is still attached to the previous chapter, so I'll consider it as such.

Notes:

Ray's feet slid sown the wall slowly as he gradually righted himself. (At least one one "ly" word too many. How about - Ray's feet slid down the wally as he righted himself?? (Or, if you want to keep one, try - Ray's feet slid slowly down the wall as he righted himself.)

"I didn't know you expeceted a big welcome, ... Chief. (Suneagle has told me (and then I looked it up) that a coma is never necessary before an ellipses).

His speech wasn't slurred. The surliness was the the sole reaming clue to his drunkenness, that and the telltale reek of liquor. (To avoid using "was" twice in a row, and using "the" several times in the sentence, how about: Surliness, and the telltale reek of liqour, were the only clues to his drunkenness.) - Or something along those lines.

Ray interlocked his fingers over the huge bruise at his ribcage. (Okay, you got me on this one. I know that one bruise is visable, and that the Chief figures the other must have been a body shot. If this line is from Schiller's POV, then it was an awfully fast switch since it moves right back to the Chief's POV. If you didn't mean to switch to Schiller's POV (since the Chief can't see the bruise at his ribcage and is only assuming) perhaps: Ray interlocked his fingers at his side and flinched. Woody's instincts were right. Burack's second shot had been a body shot (or a rib shot, etc). Or something along those lines to straighten out the POVs.

At the paragraph beginning "Damn your arrogant ass ... " at first glance it's hard to tell that Schiller spoke first and the Chief spoke the line beginning at "Damn ..". Perhaps a speech tag on one or the other, or a small amount of narrative to show the Chief's actions before he speaks, or a speech tag to identify him. Perhaps he steps forward, then speaks, or something along those lines, to clear up the confusion.

At "A rosy hue coursed up Woody's neck and into his face, Ray's remarks clearly cutting deeper than he cared to admit. (If you read this carefully, it switches back to Schiller's position again, but not long enough to really sustain being in his POV. How about "A rosy hue coursed up Woody's neck and into his face. Ray's remarkes cut deeper than he cared to admit.)

Hopw you don't think I'm being too nit picky, but you wanted constructive criticism, and I really like the story you've written and want to see it published!

Hugs,

Heather

On to four!


 Comment Written 14-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 14-Oct-2007
    Please don't worry about nit picking, Heather. You're doing exactly what I was hoping for!

    I've just come back from making the suggested changes. I swear I have a real problem with POV. I've always thought POV had to do with "mental" observations about any given character. For instance -- He knew, in his heart, he was wrong. OR She couldn't sleep for the guilt she felt inside. (Things like that -- narrative that tells things only the characters themselves would know.) I've got to get a better grip on that! LOL

    I value your help tremendously. That is my POV! Hahahahaha

    Thanks for your help, Heather. Keep it coming ... please!

    Marjorie


Comment by
sarahhitch
 
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I know I am not being much help to make this story shine, but from where I am sitting it reads well, but then others have been here before me. But I don't think they find many errors.

I really enjoyed reading this, great job.

Sarah.


 Comment Written 13-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 13-Oct-2007
    You're really kind, but you'd be surprised! LOL The suggestions which have been the greatest help have been those that pointed out a need for a different way of expressing a thought or actions, etc.. I'll be forever grateful for the help I've gotten ... and am getting along the way.

    I'm so glad you're enjoying the story. Stay tuned. I promise more twists ahead.

    Marjorie

reply by sarahhitch on 13-Oct-2007
    Look forward to them, I will travel on this journey with you.

    Sarah.
Comment by
angela oiticica
 
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Well, Marjorie this chapter sounded the best I've read . The other two were short, maybe they could be filled with more action...but that will be seen after having a look in next chapters.

Publishers usually they like that very simple language, a story line with not many complications so the reader will understand the plot and the characters easy. To write 'comercial 'and "intelectual" are two different things. Only until now I didn't understand why a publisher wouldn't accept your book. The plot is interesting, Ryan has a lot of human feelings inside him. For sure in two more chapters I'll be addict to your book. Write now I'm interested to know all about it, and the crime that happened in the begining.


 Comment Written 12-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 12-Oct-2007
    I'm very glad you're enjoying it, Angela. It only gets more interesting from here!

    Thanks so much. It's great hearing you're planning to read more. That's got to be a very good sign.

    Marjorie

reply by angela oiticica on 09-Dec-2007
    Thanks.
Comment by
bookishfabler
 
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Again, I didn't see anything to correct. The dialogue is smooth and believeable. The action takes place beautifully. Nice job
hugs
book


 Comment Written 12-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 12-Oct-2007
    Thanks, Book!

    Complications are on the immediate horizon.

    Marjorie
Comment by
mslink1
 
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I see nothing to change or fix, Marjorie. Its a good chapter. I like it giving a little background on the Chief, whether Ray is right or wrong the reader now knows why he resents the Woody. I also like the splash of humor. Mary


 Comment Written 11-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 11-Oct-2007
    The next chapter, you'll get even more insights, but not about Ray and Woody!

    Thanks, Mary. I'm glad you liked it.

    Marjorie
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