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Reviews from
'Dear' Crossing


Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Other Woman"

An investigation into a grisly death in Widmer, MN

  25 total reviews 
Comment by
Ambrosia_Babe
 
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heybabe,

I'm probably telling you stuff you have already been told and alerted to back when you first posted these. i'mreally sorry if i'm going over old ground.. i just read your bit at the bottom about making the first chapter a prelude... much better idea.

Dana half-heartedly filed her nails behind his back....

this sounds like she has her arms wrapped around him and is filing her nails..

would suggest that you change behind his back to behind him on the... ( item she is siting or lying on)


xxABXX:)



 Comment Written 11-Dec-2007



reply by the author on 11-Dec-2007
    Hahahahaha I like that first image, AB! It would suit her character, but I'll make the change because ... tah dah ... you're right. LOL Consider it done.

    Thanks, AB. Good to hear from you!

    Marjorie
Comment by
Minataur
 
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What is this? Musical beds? Hmmm, seems like nobody knows how to stay home and stay faithful. Maybe Dana's the naughty killer? Must read more later.

Hugs,

Maggie


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2007



reply by the author on 06-Dec-2007
    They're a messed up group, all right, Maggie. Keeps it interesting, though. LOL

    Thanks!

    Marjorie
Comment by
IndianaIrish
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Hello Marjorie! I've given the previous chapters a little re-read to jog my memory before reading this new one. Sorry, it's been so long. The cast of characters are getting so interesting, M, and I'm loving your style with this story. Gonna try to catch up as much as I can tonight.

Smiles, Indy :>)


 Comment Written 25-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 26-Oct-2007
    Terrific! I look forward to more of your input, Indy. You know I love hearing from you, right?

    Marjorie
Comment by
azbukivedi
 
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OK, the girls doesn't "smell" good. I can see that much. Interesting. I should re-read the first chapter. I forgot who ended up dead already.
I like your description of these two people. It's a very natural scene.


 Comment Written 20-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 20-Oct-2007
    LOL. Valerie Davis died. She's the one in the chapter just prior to this.

    Thanks.

    Marjorie
Comment by
ransomme
 
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So two can play the game, interesting. This just adds more suspects to the plot.
I did not see any errors to be corrected. Easy to read and understand.


 Comment Written 15-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 16-Oct-2007
    That's great to hear.

    Thanks, Ransomme!

    Marjorie
Comment by
sarahhitch
 
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Another great read, I wonder what will hapn in this relationship.

I am of to read the next chapter, sorry I couldn't be more help...

sarah.


 Comment Written 15-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
    I'm glad you liked this chapter, too. Don't worry, Sarah, if you keep reading, I'm sure you'll find things to help me with along the way. If not, that's a good sign. LOL

    Thanks very much!

    Marjorie


reply by sarahhitch on 16-Oct-2007
    You're more than welcome, and it's a pleasure to read.

    Sarah.
Comment by
Pit Bull Mom
 
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He's already been at death's door twice, but he only rang the bell and ran away. (LOVE THAT LINE!!!)

Slowly, he turned ... (delete "Slowly" IMO - Just personal preference here - I'm constantly being warned about using to many "ly" words when they're unnecessary)

She came equipped with the luxury options ... (BRAVO!!! LOVE THAT LINE TOO!!)

Great chapter, Marjorie. Loved the descriptions.


Hugs,

Heather

Off to Six!!!


 Comment Written 15-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
    Consider it gone, Heather! Thanks.

    Later.

    Marjorie
Comment by
nor84
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There was an audible ?pout? in the female?s voice. ?God, Paul! -- I love that 'audible pout' thing.

He?s already been at death?s door twice, but he only rang the bell and ran away-- great line!

You?re such a grouch tonight.? Boy, Marj, you've got 'lights' in that first paragraph three times. Might want to take a look

Paul drew his body up more erectly--is there a way to say that without the adverb?




This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 15-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 15-Oct-2007
    Aargh! I thought I already changed that "lights" thing yesterday or the day before. Obviously not! It was called to my attention by someone else also. I must have edited without "saving" it. Duh!

    And now, Paul drew himself erect.

    You are a real blessing, my friend!

    Marjorie

Comment by
Mr Hyde
 
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an audible ?pout? <<< I like that. Some might consider the "there was" leading off that sentence to be passive.

At Rich Denning?s retirement party tonight, Chet rescinded his own plans to retire next month. <<< Are Chet and Rich both going to be important to the story? If not, I think it's an unnecessary complication to the sentence. Chet could make the announcement at any party.

you don?t want to talk and you don?t want to fool around. <<< Hmm. Very interesting. You're hinting at a male characteristic that most women don't get. Have you got an inside track?

He had to give her points for caring <<< Another interesting line. Does she really care, or is she working him?

her loyalties came between them. <<< I know what you're getting at, but I don't like the phrasing. Isn't it more her affections, her ambitions, her something that is coming between them?

I liked this chapter. A lot of character development that was very intriguing.


 Comment Written 14-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 14-Oct-2007
    Hey, Caner! You survived the outing! Way to go. I'm glad you're back.

    While Chet Stockton is never "seen" in this story, as President of A.C.C. and Valerie's father, he definitely plays a very important part in the plot. You're right about leaving Rich Denning's name out of it, though. It's not important that the reader know his name. I've just deleted it. Thank you! See? You're one of my most valuable assets.

    I did leave "loyalties" in place. It really is what I meant. She felt she couldn't take sides, so she was left riding a fine line between them.

    Thanks again, Caner!

    Marjorie

reply by Mr Hyde on 14-Oct-2007
    A few interesting moments - one with a first aid kit and one with some coyotes, but, yes, we made it.

    That's what Boy Scouts is supposed to be, right?

reply by the author on 14-Oct-2007
    Sounds very interesting, Caner! Maybe you can tell it in a story. (Just a thought.)

reply by Mr Hyde on 14-Oct-2007
    Hadn't thought of that. Maybe it would be a good story.
Comment by
CJHeck
 
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Another outstanding chapter, Marjorie! I love this story! It has everything, suspense, believable dialogue, humor peppered throughout, and as of this chapter, even an unhappy infidelity -- excellent writing, wonderful talent.
Warmest regards,
CJ


 Comment Written 14-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 14-Oct-2007
    I'm smiling ... very broadly, CJ. Thank you sooooo much!

    Marjorie
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