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Reviews from
'Dear' Crossing


Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Adieu"

An investigation into a grisly death in Widmer, MN

  22 total reviews 
Comment by
davidray
 
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You've definitely got something going here, Marjorie. great dialogue and you set the scene up pretty darn good. a couple things:

- Paul sat on the edge of the couch like a man ill at ease in his own skin.(IS it neccessary to put 'inm his own skin' at the end? I don't think it adds to the sentence at all. I, personally, find it distracting.)

- It seemed to bother rather than please him. (Keep it simpler. Her actions bothered him.)

- "Come sit next to me, Paul." (spacing before the sentence starts)

-She prayed he had no idea how much she had done. (She prayed for him not to know what she had done)

- I'm going back to her, Dana." (spacing again)
- Paul, you never left her." (and again)

-She felt a tear stubbornly teeter at the corner of her eye, but it refused to cooperate and trickle down her cheek. (A tear teetered, stubbornly, at the corner of her eye, but refused to cooperate as it trickled down her cheek.)

-felt genuine anger for the first time since he?d arrived. (he arrived)
Only my suggestions .. no, duh, right? See what you think of them. :)
I noticed when I was reading your comments back to me, this was ranked 'average.' My mistake.Like I said before,I might rank some of yours '4' but never avaerage. Sorry, Marjorie. I must 'a been moving with reckless abandon last night! LOL
The only reason I even mark some average is because I konw what your standards are, as well as what "I try to be. Thanks for your understanding, dear Marjorie.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 31-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 31-Oct-2007
    I'm making corrections as fast as I get them. I'm afraid you're faster than I am, though! LOL

    Thanks so much, my friend!

    Marjorie
Comment by
IndianaIrish
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  Rank:  197
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OOOOh, what a nasty little snit Miss Dana is! With her schemes and plans, I'd think she'd show more shock that Paul went to Widmer to see Val. I really like the characters in this book, Marjorie.

Smiles,
Indy :>)


 Comment Written 30-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 30-Oct-2007
    Ah! But she's got her plans made and, so far, she figures things are going her way. Ho! Ho!

    Thanks much, Indy!

    Marjorie
Comment by
sarahhitch
 
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Yes, well I don't think he will be back, Dana.....

Just had to point that out, even afer she kills his wife.

An interesting chapter, I wonder what will happen next......?

Sarah.


 Comment Written 26-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 26-Oct-2007
    You never can tell what's around the bend, Sarah. Stay tuned.

    Thanks again!

reply by sarahhitch on 26-Oct-2007
    I plan to, now the cow may be a red herring..oh well, thought it was funny...lol...

    I will read on.

    Sarah.

reply by sarahhitch on 26-Oct-2007
    I plan to, now the cow may be a red herring..oh well, thought it was funny...lol...

    I will read on.

    Sarah.
Comment by
Honus X Heppablatte
 
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You are a verbal maestro and the empty screen is your instrument, the readers eyes are the vivid ears of the world and you are blasting the tune that keeps it all together. Great stuff, glad I got to review it.


 Comment Written 23-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 23-Oct-2007
    Wow! What can I say to that but thank you, Honus? You've just blown me away!

    Thank YOU!
Comment by
Lady Waukesha
 
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Another really good chapter, MD! The old break-up scene, but with a twist.

Too delicious! I like this line best:

She felt a tear stubbornly teeter at the corner of her eye, but it refused to cooperate and trickle down her cheek.

Wonderful stuff girlfriend! It's a keeper! :)


 Comment Written 22-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 22-Oct-2007
    It's great you've taken time to read and review this chapter, Tracy. Now, get back to your outline! (Or have you finished it?)

    Thanks, girl!

    Marjorie
Comment by
HealingMuse
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  Rank:  38
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  Rank:  17
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Hi Marjorie,

Ooooohhhh - intriguing write! :)

VERY nicely written.

Smooth flow; great characters! :)

Your write held my attention all the way to the end! :)))

(Due to ever-impending school deadlines, I tend to read/review in spurts, as able, so I've not been able to keep up on the whole book...)

Thanks so much for sharing!

WRITE ON,

Jan


 Comment Written 21-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 21-Oct-2007
    With your schedule, I'm very pleased that you've even taken the time to read THIS chapter, Jan. It pleases me you enjoyed it so well. I'm very excited about my novel project.

    Thanks very much, Jan!

    Marjorie
Comment by
Lois Delaney
 
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An excellent read, Marjorie D. I like all the descriptive personality goings-on. In some places it might be a bit too much, but the story is so well done, and I haven't been keeping up with your writing. You may just be at the point where this needs to change the pace or whatever. I love your writing and voice. You are doing so well my friend. Keep up the good work.


 Comment Written 21-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 21-Oct-2007
    You know what? I think you may be right about some places in the chapter being too much, Housemaid. I think I'll be going back to edit and tame it down some.

    Thank you so much for your input and your support too!

    Marjorie
Comment by
babylonia
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i am not usually a love story type of person but this is good. i think this is the first i have read of yours. easy to read and understand. i am sure it would be read by women all over the world as a harlequin romance. i saw no grammar glitches. they always do get better the more you write. keep up the good work!


 Comment Written 21-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 21-Oct-2007
    Hi Babylonia.

    I'm sitting here smiling about the romance. The farther along the story goes, the less it will resemble that. I'm so glad you read and enjoyed this chapter. There are some surprises coming up!

    Thank you so much!

    Marjorie

reply by babylonia on 22-Oct-2007
    LOL ... i am laughing at that one ... the other day my husband said all i read is romance novels. the last three books i can remember picking up have been stephen king books! you and i know sometimes chapters look like one thing and then by the time it is all said and done ... surprise! i love it. can't wait to read more. keep up the good work.
Comment by
Dave M
 
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Marjorie,

This is an excellent chapter. I could not find any spag mistakes.

I think you could do a little less explaining of Dana's moods. It's obvious that she is feigning emotions, and you don't have to tell it so much.

Dave M


 Comment Written 20-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 20-Oct-2007
    I think you make a good point, Dave. I'm sitting here thinking about it and I'm going to go back and do some editing.

    Thanks. I appreciate your honest feedback. It's just what I'm looking for!

    Marjorie
Comment by
medisec
 
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Well, this is absolutely real-to-life. I think it holds true that men who find a 'trophy' so that they can tolerate their marriage can feel no real remorse or guilt. At least this one didn't leave her absolutely abandoned and had the decency to call it off face-to-face and make sure she's not going to be destitute. But if you play this game, you ARE setting yourself up for hurt. And she's hurt for sure. Getting him the way she plans to isn't going to work either--at least I imagine it's not going to--I'm assuming now because you haven't written that yet. Well, maybe you have but I haven't read it yet! Great job, Marjorie--as usual.

No spag.

Rae


 Comment Written 20-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 20-Oct-2007
    I won't say, Rae, because I don't want to give anything away ahead of schedule, but I think you'll be surprised by the outcome.

    You know I appreciate your reading and reviewing, right? LOL

    Marjorie
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