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Reviews from
'Dear' Crossing


Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Impressions"

An investigation into a grisly death in Widmer, MN

  22 total reviews 
Comment by
Lady Waukesha
 
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Whoo boy...what a tngled web you weave...too good my friend...I'm loving this!


No nits to pick...I'm just caught up in the tale.

I'm reading it as God intended...


 Comment Written 25-Mar-2008



reply by the author on 25-Mar-2008
    I'm smiling so hard my cheeks hurt!

    By the way, feel free to stop reading before your eyeballs fall out, Tracy. It'll keep.

    For myself, I'm hitting the sheets early ... in just a few minutes. I hope I can sleep after this.

    XO
Comment by
IndianaIrish
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  Rank:  192
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Great interaction between Woody and Ray, and their dialogue keeps the reader wondering. Crime scene description is really good, M....a gory mess!

Smiles,
Indy :>)


 Comment Written 12-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 12-Nov-2007
    Water and oil!

    Thanks again, Indy!

    Marjorie
Comment by
TomandOma
 
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Nice gory scene, and I was surprised that one human body contained enough blood to be scattered about, but I believe you.

I'm sorry that I didn't catch this story at the beginning; the excellent writing is a pleasure to read.
I only noted one thing you may want to correct. The comma isn't necessary in the sentence below.

Her husband's mistress (-, ) sent Nick Vincent to get rid of her.

Now I'm going to speed to the next chapter, and try to get current.

All the best, Doris



 Comment Written 02-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 02-Nov-2007
    What's one little comma between friends? (Just kidding, Doris!) It's fixed--banished to "pointless comma land". LOL

    Thanks!

    Marjorie
Comment by
bookishfabler
 
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Someone probably already mentioned the change in font size. Take a look.

The scene was gruesome, something out of a nightmare.

(Passive) The gruesome scene sprang from someone's worst nightmare.) something more like that.


The handle was coated as well.
(The handle smeared as well.)


?The axe could have(could've) been a weapon of opportunity.?

It might have(might've) been the handiest weapon at the time (I believe in speeach we do not use the full words, unless the chracter really speaks that way. I don't see a cop talking in every sylable)
(I see this several times. The passive thing also, only I couldn't come up with any better suggestions. Sometimes we have to use 'was') LOL.

That out of the way, I'm still intrigue. Okay, hooked.
hugs
book


 Comment Written 02-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 02-Nov-2007
    Hi Book,

    Nobody else mentioned the font. I went back and looked, but didn't see it.

    I've done revisions using your sound suggestions. Thanks so much for your help. It's very much appreciated. I think you know that by now, right?

    Marjorie

reply by bookishfabler on 02-Nov-2007
    That's so strange. Sometimes, depending on what brouser I'm in, things don't always come out right. I review in aol, because the note box moves down the story with me, and I don't have to keep moving up and loosing my place. However, I can not look up profiles or portfolios in aol, I have to go to my Foxfire brouser. Also the two differnt computers show the stories differently. I don't understand it, but it may just be that. However, I hadn't noticed it in any other chapter.
    hugs
    book
Comment by
sarahhitch
 
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I love this chapter and it moves the story along, blood everywhere, MMm, a murder.

I can't wait to read on and see what happens, will have to see if I can work out, 'who done it'.......

Sarah.


 Comment Written 01-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 01-Nov-2007
    I'm so happy you liked it, Sarah. I'd love for you to follow along if you can. I always welcome your feedback.

    Thanks very much!

    Marjorie

reply by sarahhitch on 01-Nov-2007
    You're very welcome, I will continue to read and I will always be honest. As I said I may not be much help to give you advice, but I will gladly read and follow the story as I am really enjoying this novel.

    Sarah.
Comment by
davidray
 
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You've made this quite suspenseful,Marjorie. I'm enjoying this a lot. Very good dialogue exchange between members of the police force. A few things to consider:

-Ray walked ahead of him to (the) French doors at the back of the house[, then stepped] (before stepping) aside, letting him pass.
-A sickly brownish hue [, it] was everywhere[;] (:) on the floor, walls, (and) doorjambs. (I contemplated placing a good action verb after the word 'hue' to spice it up some more. A word like 'sprayed' or something similar. If you do use a verb there, you will have to drop 'was')

-The smell [of it] impacted him as much as the sight. (We know what it is that is smelling so bad.)

- Her white cashmere sweater (spacing before 'Her')
- Positioned across her chest, (spacing again)
Well done, Marjorie.Your presntation is top notch. Moving along .......


 Comment Written 31-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 31-Oct-2007
    I'm so glad you're enjoying this, David. It's exciting to have you following the story. Your help is definitely appreciated. Thanks very much!

    Marjorie

reply by the author on 31-Oct-2007
    Whew! I'm printing this up right now so I can take it along to editing. Good suggestions! Thanks very much, David!

    Marjorie

    Marjorie
Comment by
garnbev
 
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This piece represented a sign of your creativity. The storyline easily maintained my interest. I've nothing to critique and had noticed no spag issues to bring to your attention.


 Comment Written 31-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 31-Oct-2007
    Yay! Thanks very much, Garnbev!

    Marjorie
Comment by
ransomme
 
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Thanks Marjorie for explaining why I thought I had read part of this story before. No clue who the murderer is, puzzling. Keeps the interest flowing.

Check paragraph 15:
It would give (the) them something to speculate about over their coffee and pastries.


 Comment Written 30-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 30-Oct-2007
    Phew! You're a lifesaver, Ransomme. That slipped right by me. Thanks for that and your review too!

    Marjorie
Comment by
HealingMuse
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  Rank:  37
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  Rank:  16
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  Rank:  597
 
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Hi Marjorie,

Oooooohhhhh...

Wish I'd read this before the next chapter - lol.

No matter - they're both great writes!

Very well done.

Great dialog and character development.

Super hook at the end!

Thanks for sharing.

WRITE ON,

Jan


 Comment Written 29-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 29-Oct-2007
    That's all soooo good to hear, Jan. Thanks so much!

    Marjorie
Comment by
cjvaughn
 
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Hey there Marjorie, Sorry I'm running behind again, but will catch up today.
I liked how you open with a bang, good pacing and carrying the tension strong all the way through this chapter.
Great job with the imagery calling the reader to get all the senses involved with the murder scene.I couldn't find anything to correct or edit. Everything flows smoothly.
Nice job!


 Comment Written 29-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 29-Oct-2007
    I'm glad the chapter worked well for you. I worried about moving that block of text, but I think it works better this way. Don't worry about running behind, CJ. It happens to me all the time.

    Thank you!
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