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Reviews from
'Dear' Crossing


Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Suspicions"

An investigation into a grisly death in Widmer, MN

  21 total reviews 
Comment by
Lady Waukesha
 
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very realistic! I like the way you 'show' the reader the murder scene through dialogue. That's some good writing, MD.

It reads smooth as silk and carried me right along.

No nits to pick. Only my humble praise for you skills...

T


 Comment Written 29-Mar-2008



reply by the author on 29-Mar-2008
    In return, you get my humble thanks, Tracy.

    Marjorie
Comment by
IndianaIrish
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  Rank:  197
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I have this strange feeling you've given the reader a huge clue with this chapter, but I'll be damned if I can figure it out!

One tiny nit..."Hang on, a minute." (there's a wild comma after "on", M)

Smiles,
Indy :>)


 Comment Written 12-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 12-Nov-2007
    What a silly place for a comma! Thanks, Indy.

    Thanks also for your review and great rating. That goes without saying, but I thought I say it anyway!

    Marjorie
Comment by
sarahhitch
 
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So where is her arm I wonder, well I have to read on and find out.....Really enjoying this story so far.

Sorry I have taken my time to read this again, as I seem to get behind these days.

I would also like to thank you again for your help, I have made the changes, just need to paste it here, as I tend to do it on my word processor programme, thanks again.

Sarah.


 Comment Written 07-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 07-Nov-2007
    You're very welcome, Sarah. Thank YOU!

    Marjorie

reply by sarahhitch on 07-Nov-2007
    You are also very welcome, its a pleasure and I am really enjoying reading this book, you are keeping me guessing.

    Sarah.
Comment by
TomandOma
 
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This is an excellently detailed descriotion of the crime scene, and you've made the entire investigation details and priorities picture clear. The problem of the victim going to and fro creates a great mystery - no doubt real detectives run into those mysteries frequently.

Ray is an abrasive jerk, apparently, but I'm beginning to like him. "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

I think I'm going to have to go backread to get more familiar with your characters.

Notes:

While Charlie worked on the tree, he came out of the house and we exchanged a few words. Davis excused himself ...
Wrong attribution of pronoun 'he'. As written, 'he' refers to Charlie. Try?
While Charlie worked on the tree, Davis came out of the house and we exchanged a few words. He excused himself , , ,
~~~
?Show me a married man, I?ll show you a man with motive for murder.? Great Line! Gotta remember that one!

I'm outta here; the next chapter awaits.

ATB, Doris


 Comment Written 02-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 02-Nov-2007
    You're absolutely right, Doris. I've changed Davis and he around. Another great catch!

    It's great you're giving Ray a little leeway. He needs all the sympathy he can get. LOL

    Thanks again!

    Marjorie


reply by TomandOma on 02-Nov-2007
    Is the editor drunk, or is s/he just playful? I keep getting question marks instead of the apostrophies and other things. Sheesh! Looks OK on my screen, but doesn't print out.

    Maybe I need to go to school?

reply by the author on 02-Nov-2007
    I think the site has gremlins, Doris! The question marks have been popping up for a while now. At least they're in the reviewing section rather than the posted submissions like they used to be!
Comment by
bookishfabler
 
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Though these guys are trained professionals, I like how you make them still human, by this scene making one of them sick. Also you use scent in chapters which is very good. Nice job.
hugs
book


 Comment Written 02-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 02-Nov-2007
    I'm so glad you're enjoying the chapters, Book! Thanks very much for all your reading and reviewing.

    Marjorie
Comment by
hyway94
 
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The list is getting bigger and bigger, I don't know where you go after this I have an idea, but we will see. Your doing just great maybe you can be a cop someday.


 Comment Written 02-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 02-Nov-2007
    Uh-uh! I'm too old, too out-of-shape, and too big a chicken to chase after "bad guys", John. I'll just keep writing about it.

    Thank you!

Comment by
davidray
 
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Closing in on midnight ... very close, actually.I'vebeen up since 3 AM, so this is going to be the last one for the night. I don't want to screw up!! Wonderful, realistic dialogue once again. Good thought processes. A few things that grabbed my attention:

-Ray [took] (escorted) him to the windows at the side of the house (took is such a weak word)

-In the soil, newly prepared for Valerie?s vibrant moss roses, were clear, indisputable prints ? boot prints in soil turned to mud by Friday night?s rain. (I can't think straight enough at the moment, but this sentence is missing something.I believe it is too hard to make sense the first time around.I had to read it three times before I caught it. now, does that make sense? ;))

- He stumbled through the (spacing)

-Woody pointed to the tree growing alongside it.(remove 'it')

- See it?? (spacing)

-They turned and walked into the house.

Ray walked past Valerie Davis's body, purposely averting his eyes.
-Woody walked through the small room (Three sentences in a row with the word 'walk' in them. I don't think you probably realized this. Needs some synonyms to the rescue!!)

- Faint tracks led inside the master bedroom ("spacing)

Fading .... fading fast. Well done, though. I am thrilled to be reading it. Keep it going. Hopefully, I'll be caught up to you later on today!! Oh, maybe not ... I have to go trick or treating with the young ones. Happy Halloween!!! :)
Good night, Marjorie.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 31-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 31-Oct-2007
    You're a very hard worker, David. Your suggestions are a very big help and I really appreciate your taking the time to lend a hand and a couple of eyeballs too. LOL

    I hope you and your kids had a great time. Happy Halloween!

    Marjorie
Comment by
garnbev
 
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I was drawn in by the flow and structure which guided me along with ease. Well chosen words are expressive. I've nothing to critique. Nothing to change.


 Comment Written 31-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 31-Oct-2007
    Again, thank you! I'm so pleased that you're following the story.

    Marjorie
Comment by
ransomme
 
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Mind boggling Marjorie, is this the work of a psycho killer or one of the already known characters. I wonder? I am loving it, great job Marjorie.


 Comment Written 30-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 30-Oct-2007
    And I'm loving that you're loving it! LOL I'll try to keep the chapters coming at a decent clip. It means upping my reading and reviewing. I enjoy doing that, but now it's an absolute must!

    Thanks, as always, Ransomme.

    Marjorie
Comment by
Lois Delaney
 
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Marjorie,
I would love to read the whole thing from beginning to end. It looks like a real good suspense/mystery. I love those. You are really doing well with this story as far as I can tell. There was just one thing I took note of. Once cliche -- crawling out the woodwork. It's tough to get away from those, isn't it? Great piece of work.


 Comment Written 29-Oct-2007



reply by the author on 29-Oct-2007
    You're right. It is hard to get away from cliches. In narration, I would steer far clear, but cliches being what theyare, it seemed natural for him to make that comment without giving it a second thought.

    Thanks so much for your great review, Housemaid! I appreciate it.

    Marjorie
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