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Reviews from
'Dear' Crossing


Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "On His Own"

An investigation into a grisly death in Widmer, MN

  27 total reviews 
Comment by
catydid52
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
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Good writing, and the suspense hangs as usual...can't wait to read the next chapter...

You might want to put some ****** to show a change of scenery. It was a tiny bit confusing at first.


 Comment Written 05-Dec-2007



reply by the author on 05-Dec-2007
    I know what you mean. I've used asterisks before to indicate scene changes and got called on it. The actual 'proper' way to indicate scene changes is to leave one extra blank line between paragraphs. I still cheat a little and leave two or so extras, just to make it more obvious. Frankly, I'd prefer the asterisks myself. You can't miss those.

    Thanks very much, Catydid!

    Marjorie
Comment by
Pit Bull Mom
 
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WOW! Great explanation for why Nick was there, even if it was a lie! It shows how well you "know" your characters when you come up with something so fitting. All the "loose ends" appeared to covered in his alibi.

I saw no nits or SPAG to comment on. Everything came across as real.

Sorry I'm behind!

Hugs,

Heather


 Comment Written 27-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 27-Nov-2007
    You never need to apologize, Heather. You're a doll for following this with your hectic schedule. I'm so blessed that you're making the time for it.

    Thanks a million ... and more!

    Marjorie
Comment by
HealingMuse
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  38
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  16 (+1)
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Excellent
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Hi Marjorie,

Ooooohhhh - great chapter! :)

And, like the suspect, "squeaky clean!" (g)

Really well done - as are all the chapters! You've done a great job here of depicting the scenario, conveying the tension, and hooking us in to read another chapter! :)

Thanks for sharing!

WRITE ON,

Jan


 Comment Written 25-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 25-Nov-2007
    Then all goes according to plan! LOL You always make me feel so darned good, Jan! Thank you!

    Marjorie
Comment by
Pooka
 
 
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Wow, this read like a best seller! Great dialog and pacing, tight and taut. I loved the intensity of it, the various characters trying to get at the truth... and quite frankly, I'm *very* curious about how the murder came about considering what was revealed here!
Thanks for sharing,
Best Wishes,
Pooka :)


 Comment Written 24-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 24-Nov-2007
    Welcome to FanStory, Pooka! It's always nice having another writer join the group.

    I'm excited and pleased by your reaction to this chapter. Thanks very, very much!

    Marjorie
Comment by
Jer4Clarity
 
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Marjorie,


Nick is a testy kind a guy huh? Anyway, the lie detector test will be an interesting write for you. The attorney seems none to happy. Great storyline. Smooth easy to read and enjoy flow!

A SEASON FOR THANKSGIVING
~(;) Jer
Lover of Meanings
Creator of the Clarity Pyramid


 Comment Written 24-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 24-Nov-2007
    Thanks very much, Jer!

    Marjorie
Comment by
Annmuma
 
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I'm having a great time reading it and anxously await the next installment. The dialogue is really super in giving the picture of all the characters. Superbly written. ann


 Comment Written 24-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 24-Nov-2007
    Oh, you make me feel so good, Ann! Thank you so much!

    Marjorie
Comment by
CALLAHANMR
 
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I am always impressed by you writing. The dialogue makes me feel like I'm watching a real interrogation through a one-way mirror,

Ray's lawyer has a hard job, I don't think Nick's mother would buy this wild yarn.

Keep up the level of excellence


 Comment Written 24-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 24-Nov-2007
    LOL No, probably not even his mother, but we'll see what the polygraph comes up with.

    Thanks for your kind comments, CALLAHANMR!

    Marjorie
Comment by
davidray
 
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Well, Marjorie,I could almost get bored with not having to make any suggestions. That is, I'd be getting bored if I wasn't enjoying it so much!! Great job!
One little thing I wanted to ask you:

-Nick saw McDonnell?s hawkish eyes trained on him. (why the word 'trained?' What about if Nick FELT McDonnel's eyes glued on him, or something like that? Just a simple sugggestion, but I don't think 'trained' belongs there. I realize the atttorney has a trained eye, but that's not what you're trying to say, right?
Formidable! Write on!!
Happy trails ......


 Comment Written 24-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 24-Nov-2007
    Good morning, David. A 'happy Saturday' to you!

    I'm glad I didn't make you work so hard this chapter. In this case, I think I'll keep "trained". Train means to direct your attention or gaze. It's not as common a verb as felt and, to me, implies a more intense state of attention.

    (Gotta go! My husband's kicking me off the computer for awhile. LOL)

    Thanks very much!

    Marjorie

Comment by
sarahhitch
 
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Hey Marjorie this is a great read and a pleasure to read and review. I am looking forward to reading on and see where this leads.

Thanks for sharing.

Sarah


 Comment Written 24-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 24-Nov-2007
    You're very welcome, Sarah. Thank YOU!

    Marjorie

reply by the author on 24-Nov-2007
    You're very welcome, Sarah. Thank YOU!

    Marjorie

reply by sarahhitch on 24-Nov-2007
    It's a pleasure and I am still guessing to what is going on...lol

    Sarah
Comment by
Buctar
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Marjorie:

This is an excellent chapter. I found no spag. It read smoothly. I would add **** instead of a space to indicate a POV change, but this was a very clean chapter.

Bill


 Comment Written 24-Nov-2007



reply by the author on 24-Nov-2007
    I had a scene change, but I wasn't aware there was a POV change.

    Thanks very much, Bill!

    Marjorie
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