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Reviews from
Between What's Black and White


Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Irretrievable Flame"

The Gray

  16 total reviews 
Comment by
joelh605
Level 2 Pro
I'm dogmatically certain about much.
Hey, it's MY flaw - go get your own!
 
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Shiver me timbers, Dave!

One more "Romance sucks, God help me I love it!" poem, but this one with post-homicidal rage! A new you, eh? Revenge, the dish best eaten cold:

unwarmed by wrath

Thanks (I think) for turning a corner. :)


 Comment Written 22-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 22-Jan-2008
    Thank you, my friend. Oh yes, the corner is turned, and I have lots of work to show for the time it took. I appreciate the sixer, Gil, and the time.
Comment by
TrueBeliever
 
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Happy New Years Marillion, Woe totally intense. Excellent articulation of a scorned lover and his murderous acting out. Makes for a great story. Many blessings to you. Ondra


 Comment Written 17-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 17-Jan-2008
    Thank you very much, Ondra.
Comment by
pugdogy
 
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whoa, isn't this a piece of poetry to take one by suprise? this kind of writing scares me, but I must say you did a good job here keeping the readers attention, creating an awesome poem at the same time. pugdogy


 Comment Written 16-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 16-Jan-2008
    Don't be afraid, pug. It's not an auto-bio. ;) Thank you.
Comment by
    Recognized Reviewer
suneagle
 
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Good rhythm and rhyme, as expected, David.

He trudged his path, looked back--the lines were blurred
between his mad descent, and love interred. (Dashes are best used in pairs to achieve a parenthetical effect - like paired commas. Perhaps a semicolon may serve better here:
He trudged his path, looked back; the lines were blurred
between his mad descent, and love interred.


 Comment Written 15-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 16-Jan-2008
    Thank you, Les. I actually had an m-dash there, but fs messed it up, so I went double dash. You're right; I think a semi-colon would be better. I appreciate the look, the review, and the suggestion, my friend.
Comment by
Salad Shooter
 
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Dark and frightening stuff, David! This reminds me, eerily, of current headlines, though it's different enough not to be about anyone in recent news. Nevertheless, it is a great (if murder can be great) revenge poem. The character, story line, and structure are magnificent, as usual.

I wish I felt inspired to write.

I am overwhelmed by everything, and cannot.

But I did just spend ten minutes contemplating the creation of a humorous animated short, for which I've already completed the "master shot" drawing...

Perhaps I will do that.

Just as soon as I finish the four portraits I've promised to clients...


 Comment Written 15-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 15-Jan-2008
    Thank you very much, my friend. Just varying things a bit.
Comment by
Norbanus
 
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As often is the case with tales you spin
this one reveals a story wracked with grief.
The man says 'No! You won't do that again.'
His vengeance gained, but also some relief?

Now, back at home he drags out an old trunk
Then tosses in her shoes, her hats and brac.
The dogs and cats and all that other junk
He throws into the trash collector's rack.

'So, let me see,' he says, and sits to rest,
'I've done the deed without a single hitch.
The two of them together; that is best.
The cocksman, joined forever with the bitch.'

He rushed to church, assured he'd not be late
Like the last one, it's the place to find a mate.


 Comment Written 14-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 15-Jan-2008
    Good spin on that, Fred. You ought to post it as a continuation piece to mine. Thank you, my friend.

reply by Norbanus on 15-Jan-2008
    'Why not? I haven't posted for a while,'
    he turned, and then he muttered with a smile
    'Now, if I can remember how to link,
    I'll do the thing you said ( at leastI think)
Comment by
Rx kingpen
 
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This is another bomb azz sonnet, brother. Nothing to point out here, just a real strong write. The subject matter made me wince. All too realistic. Some people take it straight to the heart and can't live with rejection, etc. So they ditch em. Trippy poem, bro. Very good. Take care. Zack


 Comment Written 14-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 14-Jan-2008
    Thanks, bro. I'm not even sure where it came from, Zack, but I just went with it. I appreciate the kind words, brother.

    David
Comment by
GregoryC
 
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Brilliant use of abab rhyme scheme ending with a couplet The poem has a driving message and powerful images. The language is striking and used well, the words being carefully chosen. Nicely done.
Gregory


 Comment Written 14-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 14-Jan-2008
    Thank you very much, Gregory. Always a pleasure.
Comment by
Wendyanne
 
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Hiya David. Well I certainly wasn't expecting that ending lol. This is a rather dark but very well written poem in sonnet style. Well done


 Comment Written 14-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 14-Jan-2008
    Thank you, Wendyanne.
Comment by
L K Pinaire
 
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This is pretty strange shit. I hope you haven't gone off the deep end also. I did enjoy it though. Tells you what sort person reads and likes your work.

Good writing,

Larry


 Comment Written 14-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 14-Jan-2008
    Thank you, Larry. No, I'm still on that thin ledge. ;)
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