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Reviews from
'Dear' Crossing


Viewing comments for Chapter 48 "The Unthinkable"

An investigation into a grisly death in Widmer, MN

  22 total reviews 
Comment by
Pit Bull Mom
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Dammit! You sure know how to keep me hanging! I started this earlier and got about halfway through reading it when my mom called and said my step father had passed out and taken to the hospital with heart problems so I jumped up and ran out the door ... but for the past eight hours I've sat, bored to tears, at the hospital wondering what happened next.

The first thing I did when I got home (five minutes ago) was pop open the laptop and start reading. lol


Off to the next one.

Heather


 Comment Written 17-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2008
    My gosh, Heather! I hope your stepfather is okay. Considering you were doing some thinking about my novel while at the hospital tells me he must be okay. Please tell me that's true. There's just entirely too much drama in your life at the moment, my friend!

    A huge thanks for the six-star review. That's fantastic!

    Marjorie
Comment by
Minataur
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
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One tiny glitch:

obscuring of the overhead light (think I'd take out 'of' - reads smoother).

Other than that, can't wait til I have a chance to continue the saga. D.O.A., huh? Ray's middle name is Trouble, right?

Hugs,

Maggie


 Comment Written 03-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 04-Feb-2008
    You're right! "Of" is outta there! LOL

    Ray's pretty tough. It's a good thing, too. He's taken a lot of hard knocks.

    Thanks, Maggie!

    Marjorie
Comment by
IndianaIrish
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  196
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
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Oh what a fine mess our man is in, now! Yikes! Like he needs this right now. Maybe Haney will be the key to the mysterious disease?

Smiles,
Indy :>)


 Comment Written 03-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 03-Feb-2008
    Poor Ray just can't seem to catch a break. Don't worry, though; he's tough!

    XO

    Marjorie
Comment by
medisec
 
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Well, another dead body! Good Heavens, Marjorie. This is full of surprises. I'm wondering whether I missed a chapter with my long absence from Fanstory. Sorry about that, but have been busy with the agent, casual work at the medical office I just retired from, and I just got a new computer and that's been an interesting move (got a Mac!). I will try to catch up on the book, but I did enjoy this chapter. It's well-written as usual. Well done.

Rae


 Comment Written 29-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2008
    I've been missing you--your writing, too, Rae. It's been hard typing while keeping my fingers crossed for you. I hope everything's moving along smoothly with you and your agent. I get a thrill just thinking about that. I knew your hard work would pay off!

    Thanks, and keep me updated, okay?

    XO

    Marjorie
Comment by
catydid52
 
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Excellent
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Excellent reading...the twists and turns in this book are just amazing and always keep the reader guessing and in a constant state of suspense, as it should be.

Good job!


 Comment Written 29-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2008
    You don't know how fantastic that makes me feel, Catydid! Sometimes I worry that I've got too much going on, but it really does all tie together. You've helped reassure me.

    THANK YOU!

    Marjorie

Comment by
Nanny 6
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  82
Author Rating For Novels
 
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Good suspense! Ray sure does get himself into a lot of jams. Poor guy, I'm really starting to feel sorry for the guy. Now I'm wondering if this is good cop, bad cop scenerio. I'm staying tuned. Judy


 Comment Written 24-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 24-Jan-2008
    Yes, please do stay tuned. There are still a couple more surprises coming up.

    Thanks, Judy.

    Marjorie
Comment by
bookishfabler
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
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I was just thinking about Dana too. cool beans. I'm hooked on your book. Sorry, I've been in and out so sporatically. I think this is the font you chose and sometimes it appears like a different font. For example...

Damn it. Wait. There! (different font, almost like italics)
hugs
book


 Comment Written 24-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 24-Jan-2008
    That particular line was done in italics since it was Ray's unspoken thought. I've just removed it altogether, though. On reading it again just now, I didn't like it. I'm glad you called it to my attention, Book!

    Thanks as always!

    Marjorie
Comment by
davidray
 
Review Stars
 
 
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hey Marjorie!

I hate to give you a four star, but I'm gonna make you look at htiis and get back to me when you've edited. If you don't agree, you can always get back to me and tell me your case. There has been one time when someone explained their rationale and I changed their rating higher.

I did enjoy this and the scene is exciting.Unfortunately for me, I found it slow in places and not reading as clear as Marjorie is near capable of.

For your consideration, please:

-The unexpected charge and avalanche of boxes sent him stumbling backward. (I think you mean Ray in this sentence, but I can't be sure. You should clarify just for people like me. :) )

-He heard himself screaming and only screamed louder. (There are many synonym-like words for scream. I'd change one of them. I'd also change the ending to 'which only made him scream louder.')

-?Do you hear me, Haney? God damn it, you keep breathing!? (I'm not a pro at cursing, and believe me, I don't say the words I write down ... especially the Lord's ame in vain ... but isn't it supposed to be written as one word? The GD thing, I mean?)

-his hand as he continued to keep pressure on the chest wound. (same as a section in the last section I reviewed, Marjorie: since you hadn't mentioned that Ray was placing pressue on the dude's chest beforehand, 'continued' isn't needed. This makes the last par tof the sentence 'his hand applied pressure ...' Oh, yeah, I changed the keep word too. More medical sounding.)

-Haney?s face was still and even paler than before. (telling)

-From the top of the stairs, he heard Woody?s voice.(I wouldn't even have this here. Not needed.Go directly to Woody yelling down the stairs.)

-?Where?s the goddamn ambulance?? (Hmmm. here you have it all as one word. I think this is the right way.)

-Woody tried to check the wound on Ray?s head more closely. (Tighten it, Marjorie. Did he check it or try to check it? Going by the next sentence in which Woody spoke, it seems he checked it fine.)

-He found his mouth and throat had gone dry. (Telling. How about: He dragged his tongue acros shis dry lips. ... or something along thosel ines)

-Woody left Chuck Willis and returned as Ray got into the squad car, (got is another one of those blah action verbs.You could try 'lowered himself, sat, eased ...)

-Ray reacted instantly. (YOu seem to use adverbs frequently. I don't think this speech tag is even neccessary.)

Please let me know what you think.
thanks,Marjorie.
Always, David



 Comment Written 24-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 24-Jan-2008
    I plead no contest except to one minor charge, Your Honor! LOL It was mentioned earlier that Ray was applying pressure to the wound. Other than that, I'm guilty as charged. I've edited and, believe me, I truly appreciate your fine assist.

    Thanks very much, David!

    Marjorie
Comment by
Kaze
 
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Excellent
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Nicely written piece of work! I really enjoyed reading this. It was nicely structured, well written, and read easily. Keep up the good work!!

- Kaze


 Comment Written 23-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 23-Jan-2008
    Thanks, Kaze!

    Marjorie
Comment by
sarahhitch
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
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Hey they Marjorie what a great read. I really can't wait to read the next chapter, this is all coming together nicely and hopefully we will have our answers soon.

Thanks for sharing.

Sarah.


 Comment Written 22-Jan-2008



reply by the author on 22-Jan-2008
    Yes, we're getting down to serious business now. Not too much more to go. Thank goodness! I'm exhausted. LOL

    Sarah, thanks for following the story. Your support means a lot to me.

    Marjorie

reply by sarahhitch on 23-Jan-2008
    You're more than welcome. I am enjoying it.

    sarah
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