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Reviews from
'Dear' Crossing


Viewing comments for Chapter 53 "Verdict"

An investigation into a grisly death in Widmer, MN

  22 total reviews 
Comment by
catydid52
 
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Superb writing. I'm glad Ray got clear. I rather like his character. It would be ashame if he was guilty of something.

I like this sentence: Still groggy, he looked for something that would make chewing worthwhile.

This is how I view food sometimes...lol


 Comment Written 18-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2008
    I liked that line too. It's great that you could identify with the feeling!

    Catydid, thanks again!

    Marjorie
Comment by
Pit Bull Mom
 
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Thank goodness he was cleared. I couldn't have handled that one being drug out along with all the other mysteries.

As for notes:

Wheeler?s for a burger and some great, greasy fries, but decided against it. (not sure about "great" here - I get what you're trying to say, but it clutters up the sentences IMHO)


Also, I reinstate by arguement that Woody and Ray would both not like IAD and be very suspicious - their job or not. That way, the reader will feel more drawn to the idea that Ray will be railroaded - convinced of it - then the impact of finding out the "verdict" is back and the rush to Woody for the details - and then IAD comes out looking good and the reader is relieved. IMHO.

Off to the next one.


 Comment Written 17-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2008
    I'll take care of that. Scout's honor!
Comment by
Minataur
 
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I thoroughly enjoy the way you wrap each problem up and then dangle a tiny piece of another one in our faces. You are one of the top writers on this site.

Hugs,

Maggie


 Comment Written 14-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 14-Feb-2008
    What a wonderful thing to "hear", Maggie. Thank you!

    Marjorie
Comment by
ddsaar
 
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Very nice.
well handled.
The interaction between woody and Ray was very realistic.
The little one liners from Ray were apt and fitted right in there.
I could not find any errors
So well done.

david


 Comment Written 14-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 14-Feb-2008
    David, thanks so much! That means a lot to me.

    Marjorie
Comment by
davidray
 
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Hi Marjorie,
I enjoyed this writing, but it didn't read with quite the same smoothness and continuity as the previous section I did.(which is actually posted after this one, of course. Duh me!)

I find sometimes you seem to be struggling to find good enough speech tags instead of maybe nothing. You mentioned blowing out air, expelling a lungful of air or something along those lines a couple times anyway. Maybe I'm exaggerating but it strikes a cord with me.

Your dialogue is, once again, rock solid. Just other areas i'm noot as sure of. I am also mentionng a couple new findings that I want to share with you that I have learned from my tutor.

You know, Marjorie, I think the world of your creatvity and you have always helped me and given me such outstanding advice. Take these suggestions worth a grain of salt.

For your consideration, please:

-After two hours, the apartment began to feel less like home and more like a jail cell. (I think this could be tightened some: After the two hours, the apartment felt less like home ...)

-Turning off the TV that had played to a vacant chair for the last hour and a half, (Just for you, I give you a heads-up with what Ijust learned from my twelfth assignment: Never start a sentence with a word ending in 'ing.')

-The connection ended with a click in Ray?s ear. ?Wait!? he said too late. (I think these two sentences ar ein the wrong order, Marjorie. I don't think he'd say 'Wait!" after hearing the clicking sound.)

-He took a moment to enjoy the aroma of the fresh-brewed coffee, the sun coming through the blinds, the faint scent of Irene?s pungent perfume coming clear from the other room. (I really think to do this wonderful description more justice, you should break it down into two or three. Although not grammaticallt incorrect, it sounds like you're rambling on.)

-Smiling, Woody settled himself behind his desk (Again, watch the 'ing' word at the beginning.)

-He tapped the pen on the desktop. (Woody keeps tapping his pen on something. Is it his nervous habit?)

-Swiveling his chair ('ing')

If you don't agree, please fell free to mention it to me. I am human and might not be reading things the way you've intended.

Always, David


 Comment Written 13-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 13-Feb-2008
    Wow! I mean that in a good way. I've never heard that "ing" words should be avoided at the beginning of sentences. I wonder why that is. I'll pay closer attention to the published novels I read and see how those authors handle it.

    Yes. LOL Woody does have a nervous habit of handling pens, pencils, tapping on his desktop, etcetera. So, I don't think I'll change that.

    I'm off to edit the rest, David. My sincere thanks, my friend!

    Marjorie
Comment by
sarahhitch
 
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Another great chapter, a pleasure to read and review.

I am looking forward to reading more soon, what will happen next I wonder.

Sarah.


 Comment Written 13-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 13-Feb-2008
    There are only three (I think) chapters and a short epilogue left. I'm so very, very happy you've stayed with me through this novel, Sarah. Thank you!

    Marjorie

reply by sarahhitch on 14-Feb-2008
    You're more than welcome.

    Sarah.
Comment by
HealingMuse
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  Rank:  17
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Hi Marjorie,

Super write, as always!

Just a couple of suggestions here:

"Still groggy, he looked for something worthy of chewing."

How about worth of "expending the energy to chew?" (I chuckled upon reading "something worthy of chewing" - with a vision of a cow coming to mind - looking for something to graze on - lol. Chuckling WITH NOT AT you, just to clarify.) I know it's incorrect to end a sentence in a preposition but, in this instance, even adding "on" to read "... worthy of chewing on." might read more fluidly.

"the faint scent of Irene?s pungent perfume coming clear from the other room."

Maybe "wafted in from the other room" might read more effectively here.

You might also consider adding something to the effect of: "Flooded with relief, he became aware of the aroma...and the scent of...perfume...," (or) As his numbed senses began to return, he...(smelled the aroma of his coffee and the delicate fragrance of her perfume wafting in from the next room" - something like that. I feel that would be a great descriptive lead-in.

?Or the waitress's either."

(NO extra "s" at the end of a word ending in "s" to indicate possessive form.)

"?You?re back on duty as of this moment, and that being the case, there?s something more I?ve got to tell you.?

(Move the comma to follow "and" - to offset "that being the case" - this will make for a more effective -- even dramatic, given the circumstances -- pause for your audience.)

Oops - inadvertently saved before thanking you for sharing this great chapter!

SO THANKS!

Jan


 Comment Written 12-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 12-Feb-2008
    Still groggy, he looked for something that would make chewing worthwhile. (That's my new version. What do you think?)

    Regarding Irene's perfume, there's nothing subtle about her, I'm afraid. I wanted to give the impression that her perfume wouldn't waft, but rather assault the senses. LOL That's why I chose to say he could smell it "clear from the other room."

    Jan, thanks ... and cyber-hugs!

    Marjorie

reply by HealingMuse on 16-Feb-2008
    Hi Marjorie,

    Ha ha - perfume. Then how about he became aware of the overpowering (spicy, floral - whatever) scent that permeated every corner of the office.

    And - something that might spark his tastebuds to help jump-start his presence in the moment. (?)

    Jan
Comment by
Chloe
 
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Hi, I just read the last five chapters.Whew! Please can you somehow never end this incredible mystery--or at least start another? I'm glad you killed off all those people, especially Dana, but could you cut Paul some slack? I kinda feel sorry for him. Am I just too naive? Never mind, loving this story so much. Chloe


 Comment Written 11-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 11-Feb-2008
    You're so sweet, Chloe! Thank you very, very much for these wonderful comments. We're down to the very last chapters now. There IS a sequel, and it's completed. Naturally, since so many of the characters in this novel are now deceased, there are new characters to fill the pages. I may take some time off before undertaking the posting project, though. I'm missing writing short stories. There just doesn't seem to be enough time to do both at once.

    Chloe, thanks a million!

    Marjorie
Comment by
medisec
 
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Whew, I'm wiping my brow for good ol' Ray. This is an excellent chapter and I was glued to the 'page' throughout. You have a knack of making sure all the pieces fit together and the reader's not left hanging or asking questions about missed details. Well done. The dialogue is superb as usual. I only have one suggestion:

coffee(,)
blinds(,)
I think the semi-colon is to be used only if the text proceeding is a complete thought, so I think a comma is req'd for here

Hugs, Rae


 Comment Written 11-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 11-Feb-2008
    Voila! Fixed! Thank you, Rae. I sure do appreciate that as well as your encouragement.

    (I hope you'll keep me updated on your "sure-to-be" success story with your agent!)

    XO

    Marjorie


reply by medisec on 11-Feb-2008
    Right after writing you, I got a message from the senior agent, and they're starting marketing immediately based on the critique. Apparently, I got the highest marks I could achieve in a critique. I only have to do a synopsis, double-space the manuscript, put some indents in, page numbers, etc--then it's good to go. The synopsis, of course, is tricky because you're expected to 'grab' the publisher with it (otherwise they won't even read the manuscript so they tell me). They said my mechanics were flawless and she even thanked me for "doing my homework" in that area.

    Marjorie, I tell you I never expected such quick results, nor the high honours. I thought it'd be a long time before I would experience this feeling. But at 65, it's time I think as one never knows how much longer they can put in the arduous work involved in writing! I hope I live long enough to do another novel (adult). But boy, it feels so good to know that some hard work has paid off and that maybe you have what it takes.

    Thanks for your support!

    Hugs, Rae

reply by medisec on 11-Feb-2008
    Right after writing you, I got a message from the senior agent, and they're starting marketing immediately based on the critique. Apparently, I got the highest marks I could achieve in a critique. I only have to do a synopsis, double-space the manuscript, put some indents in, page numbers, etc--then it's good to go. The synopsis, of course, is tricky because you're expected to 'grab' the publisher with it (otherwise they won't even read the manuscript so they tell me). They said my mechanics were flawless and she even thanked me for "doing my homework" in that area.

    Marjorie, I tell you I never expected such quick results, nor the high honours. I thought it'd be a long time before I would experience this feeling. But at 65, it's time I think as one never knows how much longer they can put in the arduous work involved in writing! I hope I live long enough to do another novel (adult). But boy, it feels so good to know that some hard work has paid off and that maybe you have what it takes.

    Thanks for your support!

    Hugs, Rae

reply by the author on 12-Feb-2008
    That's sensational, Rae! Why am I NOT surprised to hear all that? LOL You've got what it takes. I think a synopsis is harder to write than a whole darned book. That's my feeling anyway, but it's a necessary "evil." You can do it. Bravo, my friend!

    Marjorie
Comment by
bookishfabler
 
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After two hours, the apartment began to feel less like home and more like a jail cell. Low profile? Hell! I?m hiding out. Pathetic.

I read and have been told by a writer instructor, when you want to publish, stay away from italics, even now. It is better to write Internal narrative (Low profile, it felt more like a prison.) than direct thought.
Also when sending in Italics, like The New York Times, just underline. It has something to do with it showing up electronically. But they still prefer underlines and Internal narrative. I know we italize thought here, just something to keep in mind professionally.
I'm relieved that Ray is in the clear. I'm waiting for the next chapter.
hugs
book


 Comment Written 11-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 11-Feb-2008
    That's certainly good advice! My agent instructed me to underline all words that are intended to be printed in italics. She explained it was for the benefit of the typesetters. Underlining is easy to see, whereas italics can be harder to differentiate from the rest. What's underlined, the typesetters will then italicize.

    Book, thanks so much!

    Marjorie
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