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Reviews from
'Dear' Crossing


Viewing comments for Chapter 55 "Missed Opportunity"

An investigation into a grisly death in Widmer, MN

  23 total reviews 
Comment by
crazy gemini
 
 
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Good-keeps the reader interested, full of intrigue and suspense. I would like some more gore in the description of the shooting.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 26-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 26-Feb-2008
    Thanks, Crazy Gemini, for reading and reviewing this chapter. I appreciate your feedback.

    Marjorie
Comment by
sarahhitch
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Oh dear, what will happen next, we are so close to the truth I can smell the ending coming...lol..

It has been a pleasure to read and review your work and hope to read more soon.

Sarah.


 Comment Written 19-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 19-Feb-2008
    You're very kind, Sarah, and I thank you!

    Marjorie

reply by sarahhitch on 19-Feb-2008
    You're more than welcome.

    Sarah.
Comment by
catydid52
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
That is one twist I didn't see coming. The death of Paul Davis. Superb writing keeps the suspense titillating.

The only thing I found this sentence sounds a bit awkward:

Gaynor paced in his short-legged waddle.


 Comment Written 18-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2008
    The completed sequel to this novel begins with Ray, newly arrived in Minneapolis, playing "catch up" on the investigation into Paul Davis's death.

    I'll work on that line. Nothing comes to mind at the moment, but I'll come up with something.

    Thanks very much, Catydid!

    Marjorie
Comment by
SWANNY
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Well written chapter. The story is interesting and seems to move along at a good pace. I didn't notice any serious technical problems-spelling, puncutation, grammar etc. all seems to be very good.

The only significant suggestion I have to make is that it seems to me that you overuse your character's names in conversation. There is nothing wrong with calling a person by name now and again (sometimes it is even good to do so to keep the reader clear on who is speaking), but in normal conversation, most people don't repeatedly call each other by name. I have listed a number of examples of where you have done this (but it is not a complete list), just to show you what I'm talking about. I'm not suggesting you should take them all out, but I would suggest losing a good number of them and being selective about when you choose to do this.

?It?s not really such a stretch, (Stuart).

?(Stuart), think!

(Stuart), if we had voted in accordance with

What are you talking about, (Mitch)??

Wait! (Stuart), wait!"

(Mr. Felton), did Mr. Davis lose the election??

Good morning, (Jillian).

At least we can be grateful for that, (Mitch).?

You say Paul isn?t aware of this new development, (Stuart)??

(Stuart), I think we should give serious

At least you get your wish, (Mitch).?

The only other suggestion I had was very minor:

He greeted Jillian Wingate, Davis?s stunning, young secretary. (I don't think the comma between stunning and young is necessary)


 Comment Written 18-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2008
    SWANNY, saying I overused the names in this chapter was an understatement. It's something I do from time to time and have a hard time shaking. I've made revisions. Thank you very, very much for calling it to my attention. If you ever find me doing it again, feel free to rap me in the head or whatever else may suit you! LOL

    Thanks for your great review and your valued help!

    Marjorie
Comment by
TomandOma
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Marjorie, I read the last two chapters, which I missed when you published, in order to follow your good story. I found no errors in them.

You continue with good character development and the complicated plot is unraveling in lucid style, but it seems to me that there are too many people dying, It's like an epidemic, but if no one else comments on this aspect, perhaps it's just me. What do you think?

See you next chapter, Doris







 Comment Written 18-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2008
    Basically, the characters in Widmer are dying of ... let's call them "natural" causes. On the other hand, the three characters in Minneapolis have been victims of their own greed and ambition. Once the "problem" in Widmer is explained, I'd love to know if it still strikes you the same way. Okay, Doris. I'd really like your impressions.

    Thank you!

    Marjorie

reply by TomandOma on 18-Feb-2008
    Thanks, Marjory! I surely will do that. Actually, I'm enjoying the book very much, but I think it wouldn't be fair to you not to mention any quibbles.

    Anyway,, your book is very nicely complex, with much variety in the characters who march across your pages.

    Thanks! Doris
Comment by
Pit Bull Mom
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
It just doesn't seem like Paul to kill himself, at all. At least, not the Paul you've created. Did Ed Costales do it? Did he really kill himself? I guess, with Valerie gone and the lose of the Presidency, he might, but angry people get revenge, they don't run out and kill themselves. I don't know. Guess I'm just going to have to see how it goes. As for John Stanley's death ... that seems fishy.

Still hanging on. Guess now I'm going to have to see if there's anything in L&K right now. LOL.

Heather


 Comment Written 17-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2008
    High five, Heather! Your instincts are right about Paul.
Comment by
Minataur
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Well, knock me over with a feather! Two down and the third guy gets the goodies! Whoa, Nellie, this is an awesome turn of events!

Hugs,

Maggie


 Comment Written 17-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2008
    And the third guy is Valerie Davis's former lover! Just the topping on the dessert! LOL

    Thanks, Maggie!

    Marjorie
Comment by
LillySmith
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I don't know what you did, but it's subtle and has changed the mood.
The tension seemed more pronounced and the whole story still flowed well.
Well done.
I only wish I could remember the exact wording before. Maybe I could learn a thing or two!


Lil. ;-)


 Comment Written 17-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 17-Feb-2008
    I really value your opinion, Lil. I re-read the chapter and made some additional revisions based on your feedback. I hope I hit the right balance. The emotions in this situation are running high, but I don't to go overboard. If you're willing, would you mind taking a quick look at it again and let me know how the revision strikes you?

    Thanks for the help, Lil!

    Marjorie
Comment by
azbukivedi
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Jeez, now you are killing them all. Ouch. I am sad. And, frankly, a bit disappointed. Hey, don't kill anyone else!
A good development with the board - shows their true face.


 Comment Written 17-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 17-Feb-2008
    LOL The body count ends here, Sara.

    The completed sequel begins with Ray having just arrived in Minneapolis and trying to play "catch up" on the Paul Davis case.

    Thanks, Sara!

    Marjorie
Comment by
davidray
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Tremendous shift. I didn't see it coming. Now, I've grown accustomed to reading these in order in my mailbox, but now I am wishing I hadn't. Not reading the previous posting first may have screwed me up more!

Marjorie ... you're terrible!

Great dialogue. Fantastic twist. People dying all over the place.What is the population of this town now?
Must backtrack now. Couldn't find a speck wrong. Two thumbs up.
Hugs ....


 Comment Written 16-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 16-Feb-2008
    LOL I would NEVER de-populate lovely, little Widmer. All right, all right! I did do away with Hank Kramer, the farmer, Neil the young police officer and Mark Haney, Ray's estranged wife's lover. On the other hand, Valerie Davis, Paul Davis, Dana Danforth and Nick Vincent were all from Minneapolis. I think I did a relatively good job of even-handed "population control." Hahaha (Yes, I know I'm terrible!)

    Thanks, David!

    XO

    Marjorie
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