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Reviews from
'Dear' Crossing


Viewing comments for Chapter 57 "Emergency"

An investigation into a grisly death in Widmer, MN

  27 total reviews 
Comment by
penelope
 
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Hello Marjorie,

This chapter is riveting; great dialogue. It's been a while since I read previous chapters so I'm a bit confused as to what's going on here but I hope that little fellow gets rid of his pain soon. I could feel it. My confusion is not due to your story-telling ability which is very good. I can understand why the babysitter is nervous about letting Ray take the boy to the doctor. Curious to know what happens next. I didn't spot any errors. Penelope


 Comment Written 26-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 26-Feb-2008
    It's odd replying in about these chapters in reverse order. LOL

    It's great hearing that you enjoyed the resolution to the issues in this chapter.

    Thanks, Penelope!

    Marjorie
Comment by
mslink1
 
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Great suspense, my dear. Reads well -- your work always does. Gordy is a new character character since my last chapter read.
You have developed Ray into a likable character--I can't believe I just said that--haha. This chapter and the last one that I read is allowing me to see a different side of Ray, instead of just the "Smart_ _ _--(fill in the blanks:)"
Marjorie you have really surprised me with this book. Not your writing ability, but the genre. Keeping writing in this class because it suits you well. Love ya, Mary.


 Comment Written 25-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 25-Feb-2008
    Oh, Mary ... it's so great hearing from you. I miss you. How are you?

    At the start, I was afraid I'd dug too deep a hole for Ray to climb out of. He was a bona fide pain in the _ _ _ (fill in the same letters. LOL) He's my flawed hero, but he's come a long way. From flawed to hapless hero maybe.

    In the sequel, I abandoned the slightly sci-fi angle and went strictly for Mystery/Crime. Ray's relationship with his estranged wife is woven throughout the story.

    Thanks so much for your terrific review, Mary. Don't be a stranger.

    XO

    Marjorie
Comment by
LillySmith
 
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Great chapter. Informative, still leaving some questions. Fast paced with no errors I could find.
A really enjoyable read.
Well done.

Lil. ;-)


 Comment Written 25-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 25-Feb-2008
    It was tricky doling out information without giving too much away. Thanks, Lil. I appreciate it.

    Marjorie
Comment by
catydid52
 
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Simply riveting! The suspense if dripping with anticipation, and I read it rapidly to the end.

The only thing I found was this sentence:

Mrs. Newell said already took him to the doctor.? -

Maybe try "Mrs. Newell said she already took him to the doctor."

Or "Mrs. Newell told me she already took him to the doctor."


 Comment Written 23-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 23-Feb-2008
    Drat! That messed up sentence is the result of an edit I did. I accidentally left out the "she" that was meant to be there. I'm awfully glad you caught it, Catydid. It's in there now. Thank you! I'm glad I've got you helping!

    Marjorie


reply by catydid52 on 23-Feb-2008
    Your welcome, no problem Marjorie. I have found that there is always an abundance of people ready to pick out your mistakes and most eager to help you correct them (lol).

    You are an awesome writer and I enjoy reading your work.

    Catharine
Comment by
Minataur
 
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That does it! I'm not playing with you any more - dividing an important chapter like this? That's just plain cruel! Hurry, I've got to know what's happening to these people!

Hugs,

Maggie


 Comment Written 23-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 23-Feb-2008
    LOL I should really divide what's left of the chapter too. What's left of it is still long. Okay! Okay! I'll post the whole thing. (I hope you don't get eye strain, Maggie.)

    You sure know how to make me laugh. Thanks for that along with all the rest!

    Marjorie
Comment by
bookishfabler
 
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Hey girl, sounds like your sucking up to us Fanstorians. LOL. I 've to try that.
This was a fast paced chapter You split it up on purpose. This is the best book I've read here, except mine. Actually, it's better, cause I don't have to keep re-writing yours.
Great job. I can't wait to see what's the matter with Gordy.
hugs
book


 Comment Written 23-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 23-Feb-2008
    No, no ... not sucking up! I'm just tellin' it like it is. I meant every word of it.

    Have you got another novel in the works, Book? I sure hope so 'cause I'm going to read it. That's a promise! I just got so darned tied up with posting my own, I fell way behind with reading.

    Thanks, girl! XO

    Marjorie

reply by bookishfabler on 24-Feb-2008
    I'm not even close to finishing Deadly Secrets yet. And I have to come up with a query for Behind Green Eyes still, and send that out . If you mean another chapter, I'm working on it.
    Thanks for your support. I know how busy things get.
    hugs
    Heidi
Comment by
Nanny 6
 
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Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  82
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The suspense is killing me! I can't figure out what the boil, is from, I'm usually so analitical, but for the life of me I'm trying to put it all together....HURRY UP WITH THE NEXT CHAPTER! lol Judy


 Comment Written 23-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 23-Feb-2008
    I'm trying! I'm trying! LOL

    Hang in there, Judy!

    XO

    Marjorie

Comment by
MyNameIsAshley
 
 
Excellent
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I haven't read any of the other chapters of this great suspense novel, but I guess I will have to now! I am dying to know what's going on!

I am very impressed with the dialog, and find it both believable and anticipatory. Just based on this one short chapter (or half chapter), I can see that you have the makings of a good crime fiction novel!

The one grammatical issue (a typo, really) I noticed was in the sentence:

The girl's eyes filled with apprehension. "Mrs. Newell said already took him to the doctor."

I think you are missing a pronoun, "she" in here...see what you think.

Thanks for sharing this with me, and I can't wait to read more of the novel!

Ashley


 Comment Written 23-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 23-Feb-2008
    Welcome to FanStory, Ashley! It's always great to see another writer join up. We've got a great group of people here.

    Thanks so much for reading and reviewing this chapter. I'd be thrilled to have you start at the beginning. That's a tremendous compliment, and I sure do appreciate it.

    "She" is in there now. I did a line edit and forgot to slip it in there. Thank you for the help and your fine review!

    Marjorie
Comment by
Juana
 
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Excellent
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Well written and concise. You have wrapped up details into small packages, without being too succinct. I enjoyed the read. The diaglogue and action works well together.


 Comment Written 23-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 23-Feb-2008
    Welcome to the site, Juana. I'm betting you're going to love it here. Be warned--it is addictive!

    Thanks so much for your choice review! (See! I read your bio, and I'm doing my part to help. LOL)

    Marjorie
Comment by
LookMaImAWriter
 
 
Good
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I really enjoyed reading this. You build the suspense really well. The only thing I'd really have any nits about is the babysitter. Her character doesn't act quite consistently, since she seems unconcerned with Gordy's illness at first, but then seems to slip into panic mode almost too quickly. But I guess it could also be copped up (no pun intended) to the sudden intrusion. Anyway, very good pacing throughout.


 Comment Written 23-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 23-Feb-2008
    Thanks so much, LMIAW! I'm glad you read and reviewed this chapter. Your feedback is appreciated. I saw the babysitter putting up a brave front, then caving in once reinforcement showed up in the form of Ray Schiller. Still, I may not have done enough to convey that. I'll see if I can improve that. Thanks again.

    Marjorie
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