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Reviews from
Between What's Black and White


Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "The Dark of Part-Time Lovers"

The Gray

  30 total reviews 
Comment by
skipatrol
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
hello Marillion,

I catch the metric variance in #1 and #11, but, in my opinion, you needn't explain it. Any who have some understanding of meter realize that blind adherence to meter is an anomaly rather than a measure of the poet's talent. How many masters of metrical poetry have you read who did not intentionally vary from stated form, It is needed. The alternative is a formulaic, monotonous rendition.

Your work presents a rhythmic mixture of strict meter and occasional variation. Why explain it? Other than to show your extensive knowledge. Most readers are not as experienced as you, but many recognize rhythm, the core of metered verse. You know this and need not explain why you may vary in one or two lines of a carefully crafted work. In short, it is rhythm that rules. Given its presence, the work does not require explanation.

This is a superb work. The rhyme and meter are sublime. The variations are key to its sound when read aloud.

jon


 Comment Written 28-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 28-Feb-2008
    Thank you, Jon. As always, I appreciate your astute and complete review, my friend. I gravitate between posting to let the reader figure it out and filling the author notes with the reason to the rhyme. Some like it, and I think it irritates some. Either way, you're correct that I probably shouldn't post the methods, and I'll more than likely take your suggestion. Thank you, my friend.
Comment by
Lisloh
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hey David,
Excellent presentation of course,,,
The master of English at work here.
However,
subject matter,,,
Yeah, I did this once and have
regretted it ever since. Yup, he
woke alone...
Ooops...

Thank you for creating this and sharing.
And for waking old memories...
Take care & be safe
Lisloh


 Comment Written 26-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 27-Feb-2008
    Thank you, my friend. I'm not a proponent, either.
Comment by
Salad Shooter
 
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Excellent
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Yeah, it is pretty awesome with insomniacs where amnesiacs would have been. Either way, it's a great piece. I get the sense you are writing from the viewpoint of a man who is jaded and indifferent about a casual affair that probably is inappropriate, for one party or the other, but who is grateful to have the sex, if not the intimacy, of a relationship that might not be "respectable" in the light of day.


 Comment Written 25-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 26-Feb-2008
    That's right, Salad, although it's a fiction piece now. Thank you, my friend.

reply by Salad Shooter on 27-Feb-2008
    Well, my dear friend, it is much better to write fiction than to live non-fiction...

    Wait.

    Did I say that?

    Yes...

    If I'm going to experience any more "relationship drama" in my own life ... from now on... I'd like it to only be in fiction...
Comment by
Jack Lewis
 
Review Stars
 
 
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I hate to give a four, and almost didn't leave at all, then I remembered you're one of the ones who can take it for what its worth or leave it... anyway, my whole point (all of that was just to get the editor to take the review) is that while I love the piece as a whole, it is my opinion that the metrical substitution in line 11 hinders

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 24-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 24-Feb-2008
    Jack, metrical substitutions have a reason, and I strongly disagree that it hinders. Seeing as how easy it would be for me to put it in strict meter, you should realize that I purposefully used it for the stress it put directly on the substitution. That being said, it used to bump for me, too, until I really started studying the reasons for it. I even have to force myself to do it sometimes because I'm a perfectionist at heart, but now I see the method to the madness in using it. Thanks for the review, and I could give a flip about stars, other than disagreeing with your opinion, which doesn't, of course, make me right and you wrong. Be well. David
Comment by
tony bronk
Premier Author
tony bronk
 
Poet Rating
 
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Author Rating For Novels
 
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Excellent
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this is certainly an interesting poem and perspective. but, i have come to expect such writings from you. You always add a nice view to your poems. tony


 Comment Written 24-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 24-Feb-2008
    Thank you very much, tony.
Comment by
LovnPeace
Smile
Even when it rains !
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  275
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  97
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  413
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Beautiful poem M and your Hombre' was right...it is a love poem that could be written by either a male or a female..it has such sadness and longing...Blessings...L&P*


 Comment Written 24-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 24-Feb-2008
    Thank you, Lov'n. I appreciate it.
Comment by
Josipher32
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
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This was a wonderfully written romantic poetry book chapter. The use of perfect and slant rhymes was excellent. --Kristen


 Comment Written 24-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 24-Feb-2008
    Thank you, Kristen, very much.
Comment by
Kingsland
 
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Excellent
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this is as always from you
a very good piece of poetry
and you had me scrambling to my dictionary
to learn that new word: reconnoiter
at least it was new for me
this poem was my pleasure to have read and reviewed... John


 Comment Written 24-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 24-Feb-2008
    Thank you, John. Feel free to use the word, my friend. :) I appreciate it.
Comment by
butterfly4265
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is really good, very much enjoyed right from the opening lines. Short but you have conveyed so much in just a few well chosen words. "Melting together like the wax that moats the candlelight" - my favorite lines. It flows well (thanks for the info in the author's note) and just one question from me: flannel sheets for a romantic tryst?..not very romantic..LOL


 Comment Written 24-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 24-Feb-2008
    Thank you very much, Butterfly. Yes, flannel sheets aren't silk, but the real world doesn't always have it, either. :)
Comment by
L K Pinaire
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Nice work. This seems like a bit of real life. I enjoyed it. I wouldn't change a word here. Best of luck to you.

Good writing,

Larry


 Comment Written 24-Feb-2008



reply by the author on 24-Feb-2008
    Thank you, Larry.
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