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Reviews from
Blind Trust


Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Cathy"

A woman is stalked by a fan

  26 total reviews 
Comment by
snowwatt
 
 
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I enjoyed reading this book. I was into with the dog training and how Cathy was able to keep it all together threw the kiddnapping. I would to read more from this author.


 Comment Written 31-Mar-2014



reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
    Thank you for the kind comments,
    Gayle
Comment by
MyYiaYia
 
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Okay, I have started the book and so far it has met with my expectations. I love it. I can see it is going to be fabulous. Is this already published? Let me know if I am being too critical or not. I can be a pain in the rear sometimes. Especially to those who don't know me yet. I found these few things that bothered me somewhat, but you may not give a hill of beans about. SO, just ignore me or just say thanks. Debbie :0)

and thanked God again for her eyesight. - I am probably just being ticky here, feel free to ignore me, but this is the first time she has 'thanked God' so far in the story, so you might not want to say 'again'.

patio with its ocean view sealed the deal. - with this, you may want to say something else with it, since the ocean view doesn't matter to Cathy as she is blind and can't see it, although Lanie can. But it must have been important to Cathy in some way. May I suggest something like how much she liked the smell of the ocean breezes-

money would never be a problem - & - designs that kept her bank accounts flush - In one sentence, money will never be a problem, but the last sentence sort of give the impression if she didn't work, it might be. -




 Comment Written 24-Oct-2010



reply by the author on 24-Oct-2010
    Hey Debbie,

    Oh, you're making me smile. Great suggestions and I sure hope I made use of them in the boo9k, lol! Yes, we'll be publishing it soon. Actually, again thanks to shelley kaye, I changed up the first two chapters, can't even remember how it's done here on FS, but any suggestions you make are so welcome.

    I can't believe it that there's no bucks left! What a peach you are!

    Thanks a double bunch!

    Gayle
Comment by
allinmyhead
 
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This chapter touched on one of my greatest fears -- blindness -- and one of my greatest joys -- dogs !
Love the way you jumped right in with action and character development, and then giving the reader a bit of background further in.
This "sinfully delicious key lime tarts that gave their teeth fits." is great !
Love the last line. It, of course, makes the reader want to know what happened at the end of that decade.

Guide dogs: worked with a girl who used to train them -- Golden Retrievers. Wonderful thing to do. Very hard to part with the dog once you completed that first year of socializing and training though.


 Comment Written 14-Jul-2010



reply by the author on 15-Jul-2010
    Hey Lynn, thanks so much for stopping by and the super comments. It would seem we have much in common, my friend. Blindness scares me like nothing else. My mother had macrodegeneration and watching what that did to her..shudder!

    LOL, you'regoing to like my stuff. I've been blamed for weight gain by just about everyone who reads me consistently. Can't help it, love food!

    I've never worked with Guide dogs, gotta love those Labs, too. Clown in a fur suit immediately morphed into serious worker mode when that harness goes on. Giving one away after that kind of bonding must take a special person.

    Again, m'dear, thank you so much for the great review!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
CALLAHANMR
 
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Hi Gayle:)
Well it took me a long time to find you. That's probably because I don't usually start reviewing novels by writers I don't know, unless unless I can start at the beginning. (Note: I reviewed Chapter 38, because it was in the voting booth for Book of the Month.)

Now I realize how much I have missed.

This is an enjoyable first chapter. I am interested in blindness, because my mother's best friends were a blind couple . I was around them from the day I was born until I was a teenager. Both Howard and Mamie were blind all their lives. He had adapted to the small Missouri town, where we lived to the extent that he could find every building in . his only aid was a cane.

The most astounding thing about Howard was his profession. He was an electrician. In fact he was the only electrician in town. Mother always feared he would electrocute himself, but so far as I know, he never even got a bad shock.

Mamie was just the opposite. She had fulfilled Cathy's fear when you say:

After all, she was only twenty-three, and sitting on a sofa somewhere listening to the radio for the rest of her life did not appeal.

Mamie could get lost in her back yard. She was almost helpless when Howard was away from home. I imagine she felt the way Cathy feels without Suzi.

I'm not a member of the comma Gestapo. I recognize the need for correct punctuation, but when I review, I look at the structure and readability. Does the story flow well? How is the clarity. (I don't like to go back a dozen times to determine who is speaking or to understand the point of view.) I even look a the amount of white space on a page.

I like your writing style. You make your dialog sounds like real people using real words. Best of all you don't sound like an English composition, where every phrase is letter perfect. My friends don't talk that way, so why should your characters?

I am quite interested in your story. Your writing is completely believable and professional. The only problem I noticed was that I felt like you took too long to let your reader know who Suzi was and what happened to her. If she was kidnapped, I think that would increase Caty's level of fear more than a new seeing eye dog. I would expect some of the type of anxiety shown by Audrey Hepburn in "Wait Until Dark." Of course not so intense as with the direct threat. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your story. I just want a more immediate conflict in a first chapter I don't think a new dog alone would reach that level. At least not in my mind's eye.

I hope to read more of this story as I get time.

Roger


 Comment Written 13-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 13-Mar-2010
    Well, Roger, what a truly wonderful review and what insights you bring to the table. I write all this just from 'imagining' so if it rings true, you bring a double wide smile to my face.

    I'm one of those rare writers with absolutely no problem with critiques. I covet them. Case in point, several of my friends here said, 'the beginning needs some rework, rev it up. Start with Cathy losing the dog, then go to the conversations.' You and they were right, of course, but that's hard to do here, but I did it in the ms and it's sooo much better. Crisp. Quick. Tell ya what. Send my your email addy in a pm and I promise I'll send you a copy of the book once it's published. There has been a major .. well, not major, just rework, but you can't do that on FS.

    I'm getting ready to post the last three or four chapters and may do a lock and key first if I have time. Would you like to join in if I do that? No pressure at all, my friend, and here's a thumb for making my entire weekend.

    Hugs and thanks,
    Gayle

reply by CALLAHANMR on 14-Mar-2010
    iwould really like to see your rewrites. My e-mail address is;
    I would be honored to be included on your lock and key reviews.
    I love dogs and horses. I almost grew up on a working quarter horse. I don't have much personal information in my profile. If you look, you will see that my wife, Marilyn ave been writing partners for forty-nine years. We met in a Writers' work shop. Our forty-ninth wedding anniversary will be on St. Patrick's Day this week.

    I have been a professional science and technology writer for over forty years.
    James Roger Callahan

reply by the author on 14-Mar-2010
    Well, I am delighted to make your acquaintence, Roger and congrats on your upcoming anniversary. How exciting...Jeff and I get the 23rd in June! Seems like yesterday!

    Check out my profile for the most beautiful horse in the world flying! LOL, love that critter!

reply by CALLAHANMR on 23-Mar-2010
    Certainly, I would welcome the l&k workshop. I'm sorry that I didn't answer sooner, but I had something like the flu.

    I do want to stay in touch. If you need my e-mail, it is Callahanjames@att.net

    James Roger Callahan
Comment by
Allezw2
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Lady Gayle,

Walking our friend Larry around the maritime museum, the USS Midway and hiking around the zoo or WAP, you really appreciate how much you value your sight, and are so impressed by those who lack that sense, yet still adapt.
He doesn't use a guide dog, but has learned his neighborhood well enough to know the streets and their intersections by the size and number of dips in the roadway. As a passenger, he can tell you what street you are on and when to turn. He knows the bus schedules and walks with his cane to the stop and rides all over the city.

Nicely done Lady,

Fantasist


 Comment Written 13-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
    Hey Wayne,
    Goodness, it's so good to see you. Hope all is well with you and Suzi.

    Yes, the thought of being blind is very frightening to me. As you know this is the second book I've written on this subject.

    So good to see you again,

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
Sissy
I am not difficult,
I am definite. --Hedy Lamarr
 
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don't trust her, what else can I say?
Hey Gayle,

Long time no see here on FS! Hope all is well, and that you had a wonderful Christmas and New Years! Thanks for the card - I was bad and did not get my cards out this year (arrgh.).

This is an interesting first chapter. By the end of the chapter I was starting to get a feel for things growing ominous, but at first, I couldn't quite grasp where you were going with this. It's a good first chapter, but I'm not sure it's strong enough to grab a reader from the get-go. I love the idea of Suzi missing and leaving us wondering if it's a ransom situation, or if it's something more benign. I also like your description of Cathy's feelings, but I think you are going to need to go a little deeper and darker here to really grab a reader. Maybe describe a little bit of Cathy's feelings/darkness before the dialogue at the beginning - let us experience the crushing darkness, or her fear of it?? Just throwing ideas out here...

Some other things for you to check out. I'm rusty so roll with me a bit:


It's obvious from the look on her face that she's devoted to you, she adores you." (consider a full stop after 'to you', or a semicolon.)

You feel guilty, like you're replacing your best friend, y'know, loyalty issues and stuff. (again, consider a full stop after 'friend'.)

Tears coursed down her cheeks, fogging her dark glasses.

earlier:
Nodding, Cathy raised her glasses, wiping her eyes with a handful of tissues
(I think you've got to go with the 'dark glasses' in your earlier mention of the glasses, because that left me stuck a minute. I was thinking maybe she could see a little.

Lainie Morgan regarded Cathy with mournful brown eyes and thanked God again for her eyesight. (not sure about first using 'eyes', then 'eyesight'. Can use something like vision, etc. to avoid repetition.)

stroking the long honey(-)brown hair

A sigh that started in the pit of Cathy's stomach parted her lips in a bleat. ('bleat' is a strange word for this line, Gayle.)

I don't particularly like Dobermans (<--I knew Kip would be a dobey!!!!)

She swallowed convulsively; tears seeped from under her dark glasses and splashed on her arm.
(I think you need to use something like 'tears continued to seep'. You make mention of her tears a couple times earlier.)

The mood swings were vicious, throwing her from shrieking, barely contained fury at the injustice of it all, to fear so deep and profound it immobilized her, leaving her unable to do anything but sob with terror.
(Does she still have these mood swings? It's implied to me here that she does. Consider combining with paragraph below if it is past history:)
At first, Cathy resisted all attempts at therapy, preferring to wallow in anger and self-pity, but that didn't last long. (Maybe add it somewhere in here, then start with a 'But' in this line--->)Being the kind of person she was, she soon realized the importance of independence and mobility. After all, she was only twenty-three, and sitting on a sofa somewhere listening to the radio for the rest of her life did not appeal.

It was early spring and the large rooftop patio with its ocean view sealed the deal (The 'ocean view' thing threw me off. I guess you are referring to Lainie here? You might want to make mention of the smell/sounds here in reference to Cathy?)

Le Petite Croissant announced itself with the sweet aroma
(As usual, you are making me hungry!!!)

all those scenes and so many more lived in her memory, real to her mind's eye whose vision remained unimpaired.
(I really think a dash or a comma is needed after 'mind's eye', but I'm not sure.)

she'd lost her free(-)wheeling confidence


I hope this helps, Gayle, and let me know if you want a reread or have more questions!!

Take care,
Sissy


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 07-Jan-2010
    Oh Sissy, It's so good to see you. As always, I'm going to paste this out and adjust the ms, but for the sake of FS, I'll do it here, too, so that if anyone else is just astounded at your fab review, they'll see why and what difference doing it right makes!

    Hey, how're the horses? Having a bit of down time. Lord, Jeff chose Ms. Norland to be part of the trailer for Mosaic,a nd girl, I'm telling you, it's a three-tissue trailer...She waits, he walks!!! Truly one of my fave shorts of all time.

    Anyway, I'm bubbling here, it's been toooo long. Will fix and then, if you're so inclined. Truth? It's the input that matters to me!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
joelh605
Level 2 Pro
I'm dogmatically certain about much.
Hey, it's MY flaw - go get your own!
 
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Good first sentence, good first paragraph; but the "grab" element isn't exactly strong. Although you post this in a general a.k.a. adult category, it sounds as though you're still writing for the Y/A market.

Setting the stage is paramount, but e.g. what the doctors told Cathy is a 'tell' - if she remembers a sentence or two, that makes it more of a 'show'.

The idea of a blink sculptor is superb - have you borrowed this from real life? - I'd guess that the result would be all shape and texture, but the fine-print details would have to go missing (no eyes or feet on the gulls, no detailed feathers...) ??

I'm reading from chapter one!

:)
Joel
=-=-=
A sigh that started in the pit of Cathy's stomach parted her lips in a bleat.

Gayle, buddy, earth calling Gayle, you just described a small burp.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 03-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
    Hey Joel,

    Well, it's obvious that I've been replying to the oldest reviews first, so all the excitement at seeing you was expended earlier!!

    Daggonit, here I thought I'd done a good opener! Rats! Back to the drawing board.

    OMG, that IS a burp. Good grief! That's not what I meant.

    Thank you so much for the sharp eyes and the even better editing ideas.

    Now, about that show vs tell. I'm usually a good shower, so I'll sure go back and get that fixed.

    Can't thank you enough for the time and efforts with this book. You're the best!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
skye
 
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Excellent writing, with emotional appeal. This is engaging, human, sentimental, with bravery, realism, and love.
I enjoyed it, can make so suggestions for improvement.
Very well done.


 Comment Written 02-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
    Hi Skye,

    Thank you so much for the wonderful review and kind comments. I appreciate your stopping by and hope to see you again soon,

    Gayle
Comment by
shelley kaye
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a night at a time
 
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but eddy wants to play with you - he misses you! LOL

anyway, read the first two chapters
didn't find any spaggies or typos
but i think this chapter should be 2
(and suzi should be the first chapter)
just a thought for you to kick around

thanx for sharing (finally! ;-)

shelley :)


 Comment Written 02-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
    Hmmm, that's very interesting. I will check that out and see how it flows! Ya never know!

    Good to see you on this side of the site!

    Hugs and big thanks,
    Gayle
Comment by
rwilliam
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"Cathy Abbott rubbed her fingers together in a series of quick jerky movements and shuddered." I really liked this descriptive sentence. Very visual!

"The girls bought all their baked goods there, including sinfully delicious key lime tarts that gave their teeth fits." Another great descriptive part. Love the " gave their teeth fits" the most! What a GREAT way to say that!

This is a well written, interesting story and I am looking forward to reading the next chapter. Thanks for sharing it with me!





 Comment Written 02-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
    Hi William, nice to make a new friend.

    Well, I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. I get the feeling you've enjoyed a piece or two of Key Lime pie! OMG! Just thinking about them turns on the mouth-gates!

    Hope to see you again soon,

    Gayle
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