Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

Status

New Here?
Sign Up
Fast! Three Questions.

Already a member?
Login

Contests

80 Word Flash Fiction
Deadline: In 3 Days

Rhyming Poem
Deadline: In 5 Days

Loop Poetry Contest
Deadline: Apr 12th

Haiku
Deadline: Apr 15th

Dribble Flash Fiction
Deadline: Apr 20th


Writing Classes

0 classes available. Click here locate a class and to learn more.

Rank

Poet: None
Author: None
Novel: None
Reviewer:None
Votes: None






Reviews from
Blind Trust


Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Rudy"

A woman is stalked by a fan

  15 total reviews 
Comment by
Allezw2
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Lady Gayle,

Uh oh!

Have we an interesting situation developing hereabouts?

I like the way the poor guys is practically shanghaied into the guard dog, bodyguard role.

Persuasive, especially when describing the goods, too.

Intriguing read,

Fantasist


 Comment Written 13-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
    Thanks a lot, Wayne. Well, I've wanted to use Rudy for a long time. He's a good bit like Bob in the kids books...Billy's driver?

    Thanks so much for the R&R!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
bookishfabler
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Evidently(,) she has past issues with Dobies so there's that.

Thursday night; himself is not amused. (himself sounds off- he is not amused.)
Anopther good chapter. I see you did decribe them, good.
hugs
book


 Comment Written 05-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
    Hi Heidi,

    Okay, in the ms, the 'himself' is in italics. You know Chef's, lol, they often talk about themselves in the third person, lol!

    See you again soon!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
RenieReader
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is coming along very nicely, my friend. I'm intrigued already and raring to get into the characters of the two-legged and four-legged critters alike. Something very fishy is going on, but I sure can't spot it yet. Way to hook us and reel us in.

He trained Seeing Eye dogs (Just wondering is Dogs should be capitalized too?)

Hugs and kudos,
Renie


 Comment Written 04-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 04-Jan-2010
    Hey Renie,

    I wondered about that, too, but in all the research, it doesn't cap dog. We'll sic Amy on them, she'll get the D in there...give a girl a little respect! LOL!

    Love you,
    Gayle
Comment by
Readywriter52
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
The men who walked into the bar sound very comfortable with training dogs. They are concerned about Cathy and her loss of Suzi. They also talk about Cathy accident. The reader learns quite a bit of background in this chapter.


 Comment Written 03-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 04-Jan-2010
    This chapter trys to familiarize the reader with the rest of the players! Glad you enjoyed and hope to see you again soon,

    Gayle
Comment by
shelley kaye
taking each day
a night at a time
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  704
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
rudy and cathy sitting in a tree.... HA!
they gonna get together at the end huh? :)

this is getting good
can't wait to find out hwy someone would steal a doggy - she'd better not be hurt!

only thing i noticed here is at the end when rudy says [When do they want me to report?] confused about the "they" part cause cathy doesn't know about this right? it's just lainie looking for someone? wouldn't it be better [When would she like me to report?]? i don't know.... just my thoughts lol

thanx for sharing!
shelley :)


 Comment Written 03-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
    You're right, shelley, it should be she. I went for the 'they' because Cathy does know about it, at least will once he accepts...hmmm, I'll have to think about that one!

    Thanks for stopping by,

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
Korton
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Another excellent chapter, Gayle. I don't remember Rudy from any of the other stories. Is he new? Looks like there may be a potential for Cathy to bond with more than just Kip here. The interplay between the characters and the situations seem so true to life based on the time I spent in that part of California. Very well done.


 Comment Written 03-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
    Hey Frank,

    Yes, you are very perceptive, as usual. Rudy has 'been around' in the earlier stories, but only on the very edges. This time he got the starring role. I like him and he's fun to play with. Remember, he's the one who taught Tony all his tricks!

    Thanks so much for the great R&R. I so appreciate you and the good input you share!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
joelh605
Level 2 Pro
I'm dogmatically certain about much.
Hey, it's MY flaw - go get your own!
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Yeah, gaining speed. Why did you run out of chapters on me?

I scored a stuffed pork chop on my break, but that was hours ago; they're all gone. Some good stuff goin' down in the kitchen." He took the inevitable pizza order and headed for the kitchen.

Repeats "kitchen"

[extended description of Kip's "Ferdinand the Bull"ishness

Let me guess [grin] at some point Kip is going to puncture, with extreme determination, some BadGuyWhoReallyEarnedIt.

Grins,

Joel


 Comment Written 03-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
    LOL! Joel, you are such a hoot! Yes, I see Kip in that role. She just doesn't seem to know what to do right now, but that will change.

    Yes, did the kitchen deal twice and didn't need to! Will fix!

    Hey, great to see you again! Talk again soon and thanks so much for the great review!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
Dave M
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Gayle,

I don't remember Rudy. Should I? It looks like help is on the way, but beyond that, I can't figure out where this story is going. I like that.

I enjoyed this read and couldn't find anything to criticize.

Dave


 Comment Written 02-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
    LOL! You're sharp as a tck my friend. No, Rudy, so far, has played very minor parts. He's got a starring role in this one!

    Thanks so much for the R&R and your kind comments
Comment by
rwilliam
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  24
Review Stars
  Rank:  175
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
You are keeping busy with this story! Good for you.:-)

"Ella spun around, crouched low and hugging herself, gave them a thumbs up and a cheer. "We got him! He starts tomorrow night." Grinning from ear to ear, she swaggered over to the table, waving hi at the guys." Just some tweaking that I think will help with the flow of this paragraph. See what you think okay.

"Ella spun around,crouched low and hugging herself, she gave a two thumbs up.

"We got him!" she cheered.

Grinning from ear to ear, she swaggered over to the table, waving at the guys."

I would be careful of too much descriptive dialogue.When Lenny asked Rudy about Steve, the dialogue was too much for ME. Maybe more to the point with less words? Especially men. Think of how they talk. They don't use so many words. Just a thought okay.

"Tendrils the color of burgundy wine hung on her fair cheeks." LOVE this line!!

""She's been spending a lot of time at Hank's and she's pretty sure she's getting a ring tonight, so she's planning ahead. She figures they'll be getting married in a couple of months, so she's in an uproar over that as well. Those poor girls."

One thing they tell me in school is to be careful of "hissing" There are a lot of "she's" in this paragraph. Maybe try to find ways to eliminate a few or have Terry paraphrase in her own words so that she isn't just repeating what we've already read earlier.

"A doll? You're dating yourself," Lenny said. I would put Lenny "asked" instead of "said."

This is really getting interesting and I have my suspects lined up. :-) Looking forward to reading more. I hope you are okay with my editing. Let me know alright. Thanks.






 Comment Written 02-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
    First of all, William, I crave reviews like this! I won't promise to take every single idea, but just getting them opens the horizons.

    Lol, the 'hissing' caught my eye, but for another reason. Seminar speakers often talk about speech tags and how important it is to use them correctly. One of the guys used to say hissed as a tag. The teacher thought it was one of those few tags that, used appropriately, could be very good. It's the people who will go to the most convoluted extremes not to say "said"! Me, I don't use them at all if I can make the character who's speaking clear. And yes, I'm going to work on that par. Too much hssssing!



    Oh, you're about to meet our perp. You're gonna love him!

    Thanks again for the great comments and helpful input. I can't thank you enough. Here's a thumb!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
Sasha
Level 1 Pro
Premier Author
Sasha
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  17
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  107
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I liked this chapter very much. The pace is picking up and I look forward to seeing how Cathy feels about the help. Thanks for letting me know about the accident that caused her accident. I look forward to the next chapter.


 Comment Written 02-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
    Hi there, my friend. Glad you liked this one and tomorrow there are two goodies ready to go!

    Thanks so much for reading along. I so appreciate you,

    Gayle
  -1-  2  Next Page 


Market your book.
Advertising options.
A Flight to Remember
A young princess has her life changed.


Share or Bookmark
  Contact Us | En español | Advertise With Us

© 2015 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy