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Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "So now what?"

A woman is stalked by a fan

  13 total reviews 
Comment by
RenieReader
 
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Gayle, you've got a great mixture of insane rage, coupled with tender love scenes. I love how you've managed it. Great character building and acquaintances with the country vs condos.

Desiree Collins watched [Nathan==>is it Nathan or Norman?] leave, noting the buoyant step and wide smile and checked the mirror over her credenza.

"[Com'mon==>C'mon], guys, let's take a walk."

Hugs,
Renie



 Comment Written 12-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
    Hey Renie,

    I'm glad you're likeing this one, Renie. I fixed that spag. Now, it's almost always Norman whose doing stuff. Nathan basically just comes up for air long enough to realize he's missing another day or two and off he goes again, into the deep six.

    But there's another one, you'll meet him soon, and he has a definite agenda!

    Hugs and thanks,
    Gayle

reply by RenieReader on 14-Jan-2010
    Oy! My poor head. :D
Comment by
EllieKaye
 
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Okay, I think I can figure out the characters I missed. Well written and I especially liked the scene with Norman when he leases the apartment. I sense trouble for the realtor though. LOL Hmmmm...


 Comment Written 12-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
    Hi Laura,

    Well, Norman has all Nathan's ID, and in a way, he is Nathan, so it makes it easy for him to do stuff like this.

    Yes, Desiree probably has NOT just met the man of her dreams, lol! Thanks for the great review,

    Gayle
Comment by
joelh605
Level 2 Pro
I'm dogmatically certain about much.
Hey, it's MY flaw - go get your own!
 
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She chirped under her breath, enticing him, finally dodging down on her front end and butting him with her nose.

Your regular readers surely recognize this as canine body language for "Let's play!" - what about the rest of us? - - Oh. OK, "play" is in the next paragraph. Good one.

Right there in front of God and everybody, Rudy Clark was in love.

Perhaps not fair, and perhaps not in keeping with the genre or the series, but at this stage it has to more that sudden moony-swoony-loony-light-as-air feeling we first achieve in the teen years, and it's called "puppy love" - the adult variety is far more complex and, frankly, has a lot longer history, even within the confines of a novel.

At least the "teenage" part gets swept away by the final sentence: not even a dot-dot-dot [smirk]

Joel


 Comment Written 11-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
    Hey Joel,

    Grins, my friend, I know what you mean. Still, adult puppy love is quite something to see.

    Love your comments and input!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
Dave M
 
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Gayle,

So Norman's still at it. It is hard to imagine what makes him tick, but you show how angry and desperate he is. And of course, Rudy and Cathy become lovers. I also caught the reference to Secret Lives.

I enjoyed this read and have several suggestions:

"Be pro-active and do something! Waiting around for things to happen usually meant [means] nothing happened at all." Since this is what Norman is thinking, I think it'd be more effective if cast into his thoughts and italics (or single quotes).

"Mopping his face with his handkerchief, his stomach rolled in disgust." This is a dangling participle. His stomach did not mop his face with a handkerchief. I'd write, "He mopped his face with his handkerchief, as his stomach rolled in disgust."

"Norman was not a typical offender and he'd certainly never broken into anyone's home before." This paragraph explains matters well, but it is "telling." You might recast this as Norman's internal thoughts.

"Ella put her arms around him, hugging him close." This paragraph is not properly spaced from the one before. Evil Eddie's doing?

Dave


 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
    Hey Dave,

    Yes, EE hates my computer with a purple passion! Means, yes, you're right. I'll also get the 'tell' out of there, lol.

    I'm dangling? God, I hate when that happens. I'll fix it! I used to give Doris fits doing that!

    Thanks for the eagle eye and the great review!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
patmedium
 
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First query ever: HOW ON EARTH can a luxury apartment, furnished for the wealthy, contain BAILING TWINE? Probably a difference of word usage, dear, which I do accept... so please, do explain what bailing twine is in the U.S. of A? Here, it's very rough string, used to tie bales of hay on farms!
No comments about the story... you could make it a book long, for me, and I'd read it for free! Pat.


 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
    LOL Pat,

    Well, I think they're the same all over. I'd think of using it for mailing packages, stuff like that. I'm not sure why I did that. I may just go back and change that!

    Thanks for the great input and review,

    Husg,
    Gayle

reply by patmedium on 10-Jan-2010
    Best wishes! Pat.
Comment by
Readywriter52
 
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Norman is busy planting bugs in Cathy's apartment. Cathy and Rudy are falling in love. Norman will be furious when Rudy comes back with Cathy. Norman is the opposite of Nathan. He does what Nathan can't do.


 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
    Norman goes where angels fear to tread, that's for sure. I think he and Rudy are going to have a problem!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
c_lucas
 
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The last few chapters have been bugging me. I finally figured out what was wrong. This held my attention. Good job.

I know what's wrong. You sometimes refer to your character as Norman and other times as Nathan.


 Comment Written 09-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
    Nathan/Norman it's kinda a two-for-one deal! Thanks for the comments and input. It's so appreciated,

    Hugs,
    Gayle

reply by c_lucas on 10-Jan-2010
    You're welcome, Gayle. Charlie
Comment by
shelley kaye
taking each day
a night at a time
 
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"He swept her up in his arms, and holding her like a young child, he covered her face with kisses and carried her into the house." <-- yep i definently want a guy like rudy LOL!

'Nice looking guy, single, great credit score and plenty of bucks. Okay. Now let's just hope he's straight.' <-- funny! liked this line :)


a few things i noticed....
back-pack <-- don't need a hyphen here because....
backpack <-- ya don't have one here LOL
(i noticed two with a hyphen)

"Com'mon <-- i do love M&M's but this looks weird with two lol


that's about it for this chapter.... only ~ when the heck was they get married? (don't remember reading that :-P)


thanx for sharing!
shelley :)


 Comment Written 09-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
    Hi sweetie,

    Well, I decided to have them marry off story. I started to do a wedding thingy and it all just got to be too much. Maybe I'll do a retro story about that, but until then.... :)

    Great comments and I'll check our the com'mon.

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
barbara.wilkey
Premier Author
 
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#5 Ranked Novelist
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You are definitely doing a great job describing Norman as a creep. I am worried about Cindy's safety. I hope Rudy can keep her safe.

'Must be contacts.' (You're in Norman's POV, we can't know Desiree's thoughts.)


 Comment Written 09-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
    Rats! I did do that, didn't I? I'll pull that out.

    Man, I used to have such a time with that stuff. There's an old fan, Dickie Floyd, who just about went bald trying to show me what pov even meant! I reduced him to screaming on more than one occasion.

    Okay, doggonit, I'll get that out! Thanks for the eagle eyes!

    Hugs,
    Gayle

reply by barbara.wilkey on 10-Jan-2010
    Not a problem. I struggle with it too. I often get gigged for it.
Comment by
Sasha
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Sasha
 
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Stop complaining about the length. I am a firm believer that a chapter's length is what it needs to be. I really like how you torment the reader with Norman at the beginning and then turn to Cathy and her friends as they, oblivious to what is happening back in the city, are enjoying the beauty and newfound joy in their lives. This is an excellent chapter that leaves the reader desperately wanting more. I have one sentence that you may want to look at:

string of horrible oaths..maybe it's just me, but the word 'horrible' is too vague and needs more clarification..you might try something like ugly, disgusting, obscene, etc.


 Comment Written 09-Jan-2010



reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
    Hey Sasha,

    Thanks for the great Read and Review. I'm jazzed that you like the way this is going on.

    About the oaths..I agree. I like obscene best, I think. Will fix!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
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