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Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "Dana Point"

A woman is stalked by a fan

  14 total reviews 
Comment by
barbara.wilkey
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barbara.wilkey Recommends:
St. Louis Chapter 25 part 2
Now what's happened?
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#5 Ranked Novelist
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I am very worried about Cathy's saftey and her mental well-being. Good background chapter. You kept the pace going very smoothly.


 Comment Written 12-Feb-2010



reply by the author on 13-Feb-2010
    Hi Barbara,

    Yes, Cathy is in a fragile state. I wish Rudy didn't have to go back to the farm. Fate seems to be dragging her into Nathan's presence. We'll see!

    Thanks and hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
RenieReader
 
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Aaahhh, perfection, dear Gayle. I love the way you develop your characters and show us their personalities through dialogue and actions. Even the dogs get in on the act. Way to go, girl.

I didn't spot a nit at all.

Hugs,
Renie


 Comment Written 12-Feb-2010



reply by the author on 13-Feb-2010
    Hi there Renie,

    How're you doing? I was beginning to wonder if you'd become ill again.

    Thanks for the great review and comments.

    Hugs,
    Gayle

reply by RenieReader on 13-Feb-2010
    I actually am sick again. What the heck is going on?
    Renie
Comment by
Sissy
I am not difficult,
I am definite. --Hedy Lamarr
 
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Hi Gayle,

Definitely a quiet chapter, for you! I liked the interplay between the women at the restaurant. Just be careful with all the looking Terry and Ella were doing at each other. You ended three of them with 'at Ella' - watch similarity.

Glad to see Amy, as usual! I love those dogs!

Some things to check out:

and into a warm(+,) sunny summer day.


There was a time, way back when, that making the deposit gave Ella the heebie-jeebies. (Ooh, that 'there was' bugs me. How about 'A time existed, way back, when making the deposit...')

and 'Terry' and of course, a go anywhere was fine with her.
she felt about go and Terry. Fina
(The use of 'a go' here was a bit confusing, since the word 'go' wasn't used in dialogue by Ella. Does that make sense?)

and there was her little baby, just sitting there in the lot, waiting. It was love at first sight.
(watch there was/it was, then double use of 'there')

Terry closed the door to her house, hurried across the porch and down the stairs. "Don't you look cute! Love the outfit." She nodded at Ella, closing the door as she settled into the passenger seat
(Terry closed the door/closing the door - watch repetition.)

There are three to choose from. All great."
Terry nodded. "Sampler platters are always my fave. Gives you a variety of goodies to choose from."
(watch double use of 'to choose from' in dialogue so close together)

and check the dog's (dogs') training program

Terry started to shake her head at Ella
Relief flooded her voice as she made a face at Ella
(Here are two examples of the 'at Ella' at the end of the sentence, close together.)

She feels sorry for Nathan, (<--semicolon here instead of comma) she feels empathy with him rather than the anger she should feel. That's not good; (dash or comma here. Semicolon doesn't really work.) not good at all.'

your brand(-)new little roadster

Jim handed the guys a slip of paper with the address to the beach house on it (need 'on it'? I kind of feel like you can kick it. Your call, though.)

?" Ella leaned into Jim as she stared at the huge house before them (can kick 'before them', not needed.)

It's beautiful, honey. Big, tall windows and a wrap-around deck(+,) and the beach is just steps away

Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy


 Comment Written 10-Feb-2010



reply by the author on 11-Feb-2010
    Hey Sis,

    Made all the editing needs, reads much better now! Thanks so much for all your help and encouragement!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
Dave M
 
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Gayle,

This is an excellent, laid back chapter. And rather than the first, it sounds a lot like the next to last. As usual, you do a terrific job of showing the good life in Southern California. I enjoyed this read thoroughly and have one suggestion:

"Finally she barked, ending in a high-pitched woo-woo." So Dobermans do this, too. This sounds like my basset hound.

"What's Rudy think?" I think this could be better as, perhaps, "What does Rudy think?" or "What's Rudy's take?"

Dave


 Comment Written 10-Feb-2010



reply by the author on 11-Feb-2010
    Hey Dave,

    Whoa, I just saw that! Will change the 'what's' to does! Great eagle eye, my friend. Thanks so much for the great comments and rating.

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
Readywriter52
 
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It is a laid back chapter with not much happening. This is mostly an information chapter. Maybe you can combine parts of this chapter with other chapters. Information can't power a chapter.


 Comment Written 10-Feb-2010



reply by the author on 10-Feb-2010
    I know. It's the way with FS. This piece is sandwiched between two action scenes and I have to get people in place. Plus, personally, I get physically involved in places and really love to read the 'pan and scan' stuff. Different strokes, I guess.

    Thanks for the great R&R

    Gayle
Comment by
joelh605
Level 2 Pro
I'm dogmatically certain about much.
Hey, it's MY flaw - go get your own!
 
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Jim didn't like it a bit, and solved the problem in the person of Amy, a large, coal-black Doberman Pincher.

Pinscher, isn't it?

The sixty mile drive from Hollywood to Dana Point took almost two hours, mainly due to lost tourists gawking all over the place and a fender-bender that occurred when a low-rider refused to yield to a UPS truck with predictible results.

As stated, the truck was loaded with results; but add a comma after "truck" and the results suddenly pertain to the refusal to yield.

And its "predictable"

Sea gulls swooped and dove, crying out in their sad, eerie way.

Did you do this on purpose? Here everything is just toooo peachy, and you punctuate the saccharine with just the right pinch of salt.

:)

Joel


 Comment Written 09-Feb-2010



reply by the author on 10-Feb-2010
    I'm blushing, Joel. S in pinscher, for sure and a in predictable. And yes, you caught the ending, too. I can't get anything by you, thank God. So appreciate the review, my friend. I'm off to fix.

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
ZigzagMLT
 
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A great job here. I like the laid back style of this one. It's nice to see them relaxed, in their natural habitat. I loved the scene with the dog dialogue (being reported). That was fun.

I did find a couple of things: worried about his friend making her deposit, and what few punks...

need *** between scenes

Thanks!
Zigzagmlt


 Comment Written 09-Feb-2010



reply by the author on 10-Feb-2010
    Hi Zig,

    Everyone seems to love the dogs most as I do, and it's fun to 'talk' for them. EE messed with the format, huh? I'll fix.

    Thanks for the great comments,
    Hugs
    Gayle
Comment by
fictionwriter
 
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I enjoyed the laid back way of this chapter. The idea of spending time at the beach, wish I was there too. A wonderful addition to the story. Great descriptions, nothing lacking. Well done.


"You're (feeling?) sorry for him, aren't



 Comment Written 09-Feb-2010



reply by the author on 10-Feb-2010
    Hi, my friend. Thanks for the fine comments. I need an emotional rest, too, so a soft chapter is fine with me, too.

    Thanks and hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
patmedium
 
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Gayle, nice to be back with Cathy and the dogs. A lovely chapter with a wide smile plastered on my face. Thankyou. I don 't need to keep telling you how I feel and see, do I, unless there's a change of pace or something. Bye!


 Comment Written 09-Feb-2010



reply by the author on 10-Feb-2010
    Hi Pat,

    Making me smile again, I see. I sure appreciate that...I hate gloomy rainy days and it's been going on forever. Thanks for being a sunny spot!

    Hugs,
    Gayle

reply by patmedium on 10-Feb-2010
    Just be glad you have rain, not all that snow in some parts of America. Pat.
Comment by
Sasha
Level 1 Pro
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Sasha
 
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 Rank:  107
 
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To me, a laid back chapter means only one thing. Look out, something is about to happen! Mellow as this one is, you still got my heart pounding and my adrenaline flowing. This book gets better with each chapter. Very nice work with this one. No nits, perfect just as it is.


 Comment Written 09-Feb-2010



reply by the author on 10-Feb-2010
    Tehehe, you know me, Sasha. We're about to have a battle here and I'm setting the stage for a big bangup! Thanks for the wonderful, supportive comments!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
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