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Reviews from
Blind Trust


Viewing comments for Chapter 42 "Desperation"

A woman is stalked by a fan

  23 total reviews 
Comment by
ZigzagMLT
 
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Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
You take such chances in your writing, courageous ones. You set up situations, visual and clear, and then we settle in, knowing with certainty that we are in for a good ride.

The end of this chapter took my breath away. You acomplished it with a sudden, rather unexpected jolt. It made the characters even more human.

Thank you for the chance to read this. I can't wait to read more!

Zigzagmlt


 Comment Written 25-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
    Well, hello, my friend, and thank you for the wonderful review. I loved this book and am glad you did, too. Your comments and encouragement throughout this effort are most appreciated.

    Thanks,

    Hugs,
    Gayle

reply by ZigzagMLT on 25-Apr-2010
    Yuo are most welcome! Be sure and put it up for us fans at FS. Z
Comment by
RenieReader
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Holy crap! What's that maniac done now? You've reeled me in with that surprise hook at the end. Terrific bit of writing, showing us the emotions each one is feeling. I can't wait to find out what will happen next.

Suggestion:
The girls will be here any minute(,) searching for coffee[,] and the guys will be right behind them.

Hugs,
Renie


 Comment Written 28-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 28-Mar-2010
    Oh boy, a sixer! Thank you so much, Renie. I was having the world's worst time with this chapter. The characters would not let me go my own way and demanded this ending. Deep sigh. I'm glad you liked it, but I'm not sure this is how it will be in the end! ARRGH, someone just bit my finger! Kip! No no, lie down.

    Hugs and love and big thanks,
    Gayle
Comment by
Mariea
 
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A good fast moving chapter that kept me interested all the way. Story develops well as it progresses, without clutter or any 'spags'

Have a great day, regards Mia


 Comment Written 28-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 28-Mar-2010
    Hi Mia,

    Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving an encouraging review. You're appreciated.

    Gayle
Comment by
joelh605
Level 2 Pro
I'm dogmatically certain about much.
Hey, it's MY flaw - go get your own!
 
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All fixed!
=-=-=
Jolly good! But gotta fix those comma thingies (sorry, the Obama Health Plan for Commas doesn't kick in until 2014).

The Inner Struggle Of Norman plays out to a last, fatal chapter, eh? Reading ahead and hearing the dog present but nothing more about His Photoggishness, one presumes that it was rocks 1, head 0 and the dog didn't break the skin on his neck.

Nicely done.

Joel
=-=-=
Rudy poured the last of the coffee into his cup, rinsed out the container and prepared a fresh pot. He pushed the button and moments later, the machine started to gurgle.

Comma: "moments later" is the sort of added phrase which you can have, or not have, even-up: those need commas fore and aft, or not at all. One comma by itself is like a rabbit at a wolves' convention - - highly conspicuous.

But you're all grown up now. You're handsome and talented and believe me, if you give her half a chance, she'll run to you.'

That "her/she'll" so resonates back to Cathy that the reader stops in confusion - - "what were we just saying about letting Cathy go?" - - but if you use italics or underlining or something to show that Nadia is going somewhere else with the female pronouns, Norman's response seems clearer.

The street slept along with whatever residents inhabited the shadowy houses.

Comma; this one is optional but advisable; it goes after "slept" - else we get "slept along" like "swept along" - - first the street sleeps, and expanding the idea note ", along with..."

The battle he had with Nadia once she learned of his plan, took a lot out of him.

more comma: "The battle took a lot out of him" doesn't need a comma, so if you feel the need for one in the enlarged version of the sentence, why is that? [rhetorical question'] - it's because the added material is an appositive phrase, i.e. a phrase that expands on "he had with Nadia" - so wrap it up in commas:

The battle he had with Nadia [comma] once she learned of his plan [comma already present], took a lot out of him.


 Comment Written 27-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 28-Mar-2010
    Hey Joel,

    I went in there and fixed those commas. I HATE them but you're right. When they're misplaced they are dumb. With or without! Hey, you're the best, have a thumb, my friend and a great big thanks!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
Isaiah Ramesses
 
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Excellent
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Nice read. This guy "Norman" is has a few mental issues.
The characters are well developed and the storyline is very entertaining.
Well done.

Isaiah Ramesses


 Comment Written 27-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 28-Mar-2010
    Thank you so much for the kind words and wishes. Your time and input is appreciated.

    Gayle
Comment by
Roberta Joan Jensen
 
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Excellent
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Nice development. He will; he won't; and then he does and they all go over together! Very well done!

Oh. Blind women wear makeup all the time. It takes a little practice, but she should be pretty used to the movements already since she's always worn makeup. She might need a little help in the beginning because hse has to pay attention to different cues, but she can do it.

Roberta


 Comment Written 26-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 27-Mar-2010
    Norman wanted to do right, Roberta, he really did. His obsession just wouldn't let him. I think I'll need to do an 'Afterward' to talk a bit about the fall and what happened, probably a retrospective.

    Thank you, m'dear, for the wonderful review.

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
nor84
Level 3 Pro
Premier Author
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  Rank:  359
 
Excellent
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Well, I took these out of order, I see. Oh well, doesn't matter too much.

I think the first three paragraphs--and probably the fourth--should be one paragraph.

With a chuckle(,) he patted his jacket

At the scene break, the first 3 paragraphs about Norman could be combined.

Besides, how can you pretend to love someone and take their (her) life?'>>>SomeOne is singular, and since we know it's Cathy, I'd just use 'she',

sandpipers is one word. Great descriptions of the beach, by the way.

ponytail is one word


He's such a prima donna(;)runs Ella all over the place(.) Terry, too.">>>asw you know, fragments are fine in dialog.


You should leave now(.) Go right now(--)Far away.

'rubbing his hands together' or 'wringing his hands'?

Excellent cliffhanger!


 Comment Written 26-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 27-Mar-2010
    Oh, Norma, this is a mercy five right now, but you know I'll get everything fixed. I'm delighted you liked this one and can't thank you enough for the time and effort. I'm off to fix!

    Love you,
    Gayle
Comment by
barbara.wilkey
Premier Author
 
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  Rank:  6
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  32
 
barbara.wilkey Recommends:
St. Louis Chapter 33 part 3
More information about the investigation is revealed.
Pays:10 points
10 member cents

 

#6 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
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I've messed you posting. I hope is wasn't anything serious. I am sure you have been as busy as I have been lately. This is another well descripted chapter.


 Comment Written 26-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 27-Mar-2010
    Hi Barbara,

    Oh, this one was hard. The characters had this end in mind and I wanted to go in a different, more spectacular way. They won. So glad you liked it!

    Hugs and thanks,
    Gayle
Comment by
Rdfrdmom2
 
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wow, what a chapter this is! who in
their right mind would even approach
someone who has one of your puppies
beside them? oh, that's right, Norman's
mind isn't the one that's right--must be
another one of the alters, eh? Gives a
whole new meaning to being head-over-
heels in love with someone, doesn't it?
love, jan


 Comment Written 26-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 27-Mar-2010
    LOL! Yep, over they went. I think I'm going to have to add a sequel telling of the aftermath. I was just in such a hurry to finish, you know how that goes.

    Jan, I so appreciate your time to read and the fine comments you offer. You're a peach!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
patmedium
 
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Oooops! Now that's what I call the precursor to the end of the book! What a write. Strong on visuals and emotionals... all well presented in a clever atmosphere. Thanks, Gayle.


 Comment Written 26-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
    Thank you, Pat. I'm so glad you liked it. YOur reviews sure meant a lot to me!

    Hugs,
    Gayle

reply by patmedium on 26-Mar-2010
    I am going to miss this one! Pat.
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