Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

Status

New Here?
Sign Up
Fast! Three Questions.

Already a member?
Login

Contests

5-7-5 Poetry Contest
Deadline: In 3 Days

Minute
Deadline: Jun 14th

Share Your Story
Deadline: Jun 16th

Four Line Poem
Deadline: Jun 20th

Father's Day Poetry Contest
Deadline: Jun 21st


Writing Classes

0 classes available. Click here locate a class and to learn more.

Rank

Poet: None
Author: None
Novel: None
Reviewer:None
Votes: None






Reviews from
Blind Trust


Viewing comments for Chapter 42 "Desperation"

A woman is stalked by a fan

  23 total reviews 
Comment by
2012 Short Works Writer Of The Year
Realist101
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  483
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi there, this is fascinating. I will try to read the other chapters. I like your build up to the ending, I was surprised. Very good work!! Susan


 Comment Written 26-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
    Hi Susan and thank you so much for the wonderful review. I hope you get to enjoy the book at your leisure, which is the best!

    Thanks,
    Gayle
Comment by
Readywriter52
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Norman needs to listen to his other selves. His love for Cathy is an infatuation. He wants to control her because no one would want to kill someone they loved. He was deluding himself if he thought he only wanted Kathy's forgiveness. Kip was right to attack him. I hope Cathy wasn't hurt in the fall.


 Comment Written 25-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
    Hi Ready and thank you for reading along with this one. I don't think you missed a chapter and your input was always so helpful.
    Thank you so much,

    Gayle
Comment by
c_lucas
 
Review Stars
  
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Norman/Stanley really screwed up. This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. It looks like you are near the end of the story. Good job.


 Comment Written 25-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
    This is where the characters and I had a fight. I didn't want to finish this way, but in the end, I think it worked out well,

    Thank you so much, my friend.

    Hugs,
    Gayle

reply by c_lucas on 26-Mar-2010
    You're welcome, Gayle. Charlie
Comment by
Sasha
Level 1 Pro
Premier Author
Sasha
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  32
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  308
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
You really know how to give a reader a heart attack! What a cruel(but perfect) place to end this very exciting chapter. I am literally biting my nails writing this so I can hurry up and get to the next chapter.


 Comment Written 25-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
    Hey Sasha,

    I'm so glad you liked this one and am waiting with baited breath for your review of the end. Oh gosh, this was so much fun. You're the best!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
NeuralSplyce
 
Review Stars
 
 
Average
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi showtimebook,

As always your writing and description are excellent, but I think this has some significant mechanical issues. First, how many scene and POV changes do you need in a chapter? It's like having a broken TV remote control forcing you to channel surf. This should be two chapters. One for Rudy and Cathy and one for Norman. Rudy leaves, end chapter. New chapter to jump to Norman and his day and end with him seeing Rudy leave and approaching Cathy.

The next issue I had was, what purpose does the first 4 paragraphs serve - it hasn't increased the tension or conflict and we learn nothing new about Cathy. You can just as easily convey what's happening through Rudy's eyes & ears.

Here are some sentences I found with SPAG or room for improvement:

de-stressing after the Seals and the disasterous affair with Anita Crawford. - if he's a Navy SEAL it's all caps because it's an acronym

'Alone is like when no one is around. Isolated is feeling all alone even when lots of people are around.' - Based on personal experience, I think you want to use 'lonely' rather than isolated.
Alone and isolated are too synonymous - they are the absence of other people you can identify with. Lonely is a craving to be understood and uncared for and can be felt even when surrounded by people you know. As I often tell people, I live alone but I am never lonely.

Her freckle collection had doubled, Rudy informed her yesterday - very jarring POV change here. We go right from Norman admiring her to Cathy having a flashback about Rudy and no seque into Rudy walking out.

No restaurant worth its salt tells its guests no to a request for a cappuccino!' - this sounds awkward 'tells its guests no to a request'
He's such a prima dona (donna)

allowing the cool breeze to sooth(e) his weary soul

Amazed, Norman stared a (at?) Kip a moment,

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 25-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
    Hi Mike,

    Let me get in there and fix the spaggies. Thanks for the eagle eye!

    I appreciate the time you took on this. I think it's very hard to come in to the last two chapters of a book. I didn't want to make a series of short chapters, but each pov was clear and distinct, wasn't it? I guess the time spent with Cathy, setting her mood and feeling of security was meant to contrast with what comes next, including Norman and his feelings and her fall.

    That inner monologue Norman had regarding 'alone' harked back several chapters ago to a conversation he had with one of his alters. I also must respectfully disagree about the definition. I think there's a huge difference between alone and isolated. His alters are isolating him, refusing to 'talk' to Norman or in any way relate to him.

    Hey, good buddy, I appreciate the time and effort for this review!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
shelley kaye
taking each day
a night at a time
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  148
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
eek!

one question.... how far up was the deck from the beach?

anyway great chapter - can't wait to hit 'next' and read "miracle" :)

a couple things i noticed....

down town <-- shouldn't this be one word since they're going downtown?

okay you have "his heart breaking" at the beginning of this paragraph and "his heart pounding" at the end.... just reads a little weird - ya may want to check it out and maybe reword?

He stood there considering his options, his heart breaking and healing at the same time. With deliberation, he turned to face the sea, allowing the cool breeze to sooth his weary soul and hopefully calm the frantic voices in his mind. Heart pounding in his throat, he drew deep breaths and sighed.



other than that nothing else to tell ya
onto to miracle!

thanx for sharing!
shelley :)


 Comment Written 25-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
    Hey Shelley,

    Y'know, that 'downtown vs down town'. I think when you say stuff like, downtown San Diego, it's one word, but when you're going down town, or up town, lol, I think it's different. Maybe Sissy or Norma will come in and set us straight. I agree about the heart thingy. Well, when this is published, I'll send you a copy. I'm sure you'll think you've read it before, lol. You know what I do in the final edit!

    Love ya, kiddo,
    Gayle
Comment by
Dave M
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Gayle,

Sounds like a grim ending, but we'll see what happens. Wonder if anyone survived the fall.

I enjoyed this read and have one comment:

"Moments later, Nathan [Norman - Nathan's not "out."] saw him rush up the street toward the boulevard, a large black dog at his side."

Dave


 Comment Written 25-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
    EEEK! I got that one. Man, freudian slip, I guess. Thanks so much for the eagle eye and for your wonderful friendship. I so appreciate you,

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
fionageorge
 
Review Stars
 
 
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A great and spell-binding chapter, which, althugh part of a novel, was a story in its own right, until the end of course. I will now wait for the next chapter.

A few observations:
I was a little confused between the change of scenario between the following two paras. You have changed from Norman to Rudy, but it wasn't clear for a moment who was looking at Cathy and observing her movments in the second para:

He stopped near the back of the two-story house, glancing up at the wide deck. Above him, next to the white wooden railing sat a solitary figure he recognized instantly. His heart raced and he stared at her, drinking in her presence, confident in his anonymity.

Her hair blew about her face, trailing across her cheeks and catching in her glasses. With slow, deliberate moves, she took them off, placed them on the table and then ran her fingers through her hair, gathering it into a pony tail. She pulled a band from her wrist, wrapped it around several times and tilted her beautiful face to the intermittent sun.
~~~

Moments later, Nathan [Norman?] saw him rush up the street toward the boulevard, a large black dog at his side.

~~~

Amazed, Norman stared a [at] Kip a moment

~~~

I was surprised that with Kit attacking Norman, and then both he and Kathy falling to the sand, 'no other sounds disturbed the moring'. It would be highly unusual for a dog to stop growling or barking after such a ruckus? (Just a thought).

Even though I would love to give this chapter a five star rating, it needs a little work to bring it to that level. If you let me know when you have made the few changes, I will be happy to re-review for an upgraded rating if it warrants.

Warmest regards
Marijke


 Comment Written 25-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
    Hi Marijke,

    First of all, thank you for the fine offer to re-rate. I will fix and send you a pm. Okay, when they fell off the deck, everyone, Cathy, Kip and Norman went unconscious and there were no other people around to see the accident. It would be Rudy, upon his return, who would find them.

    You are so right, that's Norman, NOT Nathan. I already fixed that ooops! Will also check the spacing when the pov changes to Norman. Sometimes on the monitor it's not clear.

    Again, thank you so much for the wonderful edit needs and your offer.

    Best,
    Gayle
Comment by
RaymondJohn
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Exciting chapter with a great ending. Norman was a real sicko so I'm not sad he's gone. I like this as a stand-alone chapter and will look ahead and back to see what happens before and after.


 Comment Written 25-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
    Hey Ray,

    So good to see you again. Thanks so much for the fine review. I appreciate you stopping by for a read.

    Best,
    Gayle
Comment by
Korton
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Well, you certainly picked a fine place to leave us in this chapter. Now we're left to wonder if Kathy is alright and whether Kip is munching on Norman. Such Torture! And it's deliberate! Very well done.

the hell (to)[do] you keep (typo)


 Comment Written 25-Mar-2010



reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
    Oh Frank, I'll take that as a birthday present. Thank you so much for following this one so closely. Ehghads, I'll get in there and see what the hell I did!

    Love ya,
    Gayle
  Previous Page  1  -2-  3  Next Page 


Market your book.
Advertising options.
St. Louis Chapter 28 part 1
Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?


Share or Bookmark
  Contact Us | En español | Advertise With Us

© 2015 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy