Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

Status

New Here?
Sign Up
Fast! Three Questions.

Already a member?
Login

Contests

Twenty Short Story Contest
Deadline: Today!

Lune Poetry Contest
Deadline: In 4 Days

True Story Flash
Deadline: Jun 3rd

5-7-5 Poetry Contest
Deadline: Jun 8th

Minute
Deadline: Jun 14th


Writing Classes

0 classes available. Click here locate a class and to learn more.

Rank

Poet: None
Author: None
Novel: None
Reviewer:None
Votes: None






Reviews from
Angel of Mercy - Part 1


Homeless people are being murdered ......

  52 total reviews 
Comment by
Belinda
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Oh wow, this is a different story from a different 'world'. Considering the 'Part I' on the title I'll get to the next parts right away. You've hooked me again, Carol...


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Belinda,

    Started out as a short story and it has gained a life of it's own..Thank you...Carol
Comment by
RobinWrites
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Suspenseful and intriguing. I wonder why a rich man feels the need to kill homeless. Unless he thinks he's doing them a favor. Can't wait to read parts two and three.


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Robinwrites,

    I always appreciate your input and encouragement. Glad you are intruged. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
Colin Douglas
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is a great premise. A rich man believes himself to be a man of love and compassion while killing homeless people.

You write it well with good, natural dialogue to breathe life into your characters.

A couple of small things to think about:

I don't think it's easy to stab someone in the chest. The rib cage is pretty strong and to just casually do this in a single shot would be unlikely... I think. Not a big deal.

Second is that I don't know that I like the switch from omnicient third person narrator to first person narrator. This felt an odd shift. The point of first person, to me, is to not know anything the narrator doesn't know. However, you made me forget about that quickly, so it might be okay.

detail:

"My eyes questioned whether I reveal anything in his presence." I think you mean "whether I should reveal."

The plot is already moving well. I will definitely read on.

Colin


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Colin,

    Thank you so much for reading and leaving your well appreciated comments. I hope that you will continue to read and let lme know your thoughts on the storyline. I have posted 2,3, and 4. Thanks again...Carol
Comment by
Shirley McLain
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  51 (+2)
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  95
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  23
Review Stars
  Rank:  41
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Very good you sucked me right into the story line. I like the characters. Lots of tension and action. I did not see any spag. Very good job.


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Texasgal,

    Glad you enjoyed the first chapter. I have posted 2,3 and 4 if you care to continue. Thank you...Carol
Comment by
krprice
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  28
Review Stars
  Rank:  608
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Try to avoid words like felt, smelled, saw, heard. I suggest: The Ten Percent Solution: Self Editing for the Modern Writer by Ken Rand. It helped my writing.

Thunder rumbled. . . Taking a. . .he felt. . .Delete he felt. . .Warm liquid greeted. . .

Excellent piece otherwise.

Karlene


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Karlene,

    Thank you for your suggestions and I will try to take another look at your suggestions asap. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
bob cullen
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  182
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  147
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
What a great start, I'm hooked.

We have a serial killer, a suspect in Penwell and an intriguing beginning.

You write with the skill of a professional. Your dialogue was realistic and your description of the setting was easily pictured.



 Comment Written 13-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Bob,

    Thank yousomuchfor the kind review. I really appreciate it. I have posted 2,3,and 4 if you care to continue. smiles, Carol
Comment by
vandawalker
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I really enjoy your descriptive writing. Everything from the weather to the looks of the characters are well depicted. This certainly has a mystery about it. I look forward to reading more. Excellent writing.
Check this:
temples(,) and I bent down to examine


 Comment Written 12-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Vandawalker,

    I am thrilled that you enjoyed my story and my style of writing. Thank you very much. I have posted chapter 2 and 3 if you care to continue. I hadn't expected the story to grow this way, but it has a mind of its own I guess. Thank you again...Carol
Comment by
vandawalker
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I really enjoy your descriptive writing. Everything from the weather to the looks of the characters are well depicted. This certainly has a mystery about it. I look forward to reading more. Excellent writing.
Check this:
temples(,) and I bent down to examine


 Comment Written 12-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Vandawalker....

    Somehow, this was posted twice...but hey, can't frown at seeing the six twice and your gracious words, can I? Smiles, Carol
Comment by
RazberryBullet
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Nice little mystery of who's taking it on himself to send the rejected and homeless to a 'better life'???

Liked this: Satisfied, he tucked a tiny silver cross and a white card into Jake's lifeless hand. Making the sign of the cross on his chest, he softly whispered, "I deliver you unto the Lord, my friend."

Scary!


 Comment Written 11-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Razzberry,

    So glad you stopped by to read my story...It was suppose to be a short story but it grew a life...a message in it I guess. If you care to continue, I have posted 2,3,and 4. Thank you...Carol
Comment by
Mariea
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hello Carol. Another good chapter without clutter or spags. The story moves at a good fast pace with believeable dialogue and developing well as it progresses.

Have a great day, regards Mia


 Comment Written 11-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Mia,

    Thank you so much for the kind comments. The story has grown life and grew further than I had intended. I guess it must have a message I needed to write. Thanks, Carol
  -1-  2 3 4 5 6  Next Page 


Market your book.
Advertising options.
Family Portraits
The poem is about family lineage, privilege, and rights.


Share or Bookmark
  Contact Us | En español | Advertise With Us

© 2015 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy