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Reviews from
Angel of Mercy - Part 2


The killing continues....

  42 total reviews 
Comment by
suzzy
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
sorry im behind on my reading but this story is so compelling even tho you have told us who the killer is i still want to read to see how he is caught. im enjoying this chapter will read more after work thanks for your patience.


 Comment Written 16-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Suzzy...

    I don't think I've really revealed the killer yet...You might think so, but there are surprises ahead. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
Colin Douglas
 
Review Stars
 
 
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Very good continuation of this original story.

The tension is building. More murders are being committed. Our hero is onto Tom, but is being pressured to leave him alone. The homeless seem to be starting to know or suspect who is behind the murders, but who will take their word for it?

I wasn't too convinced of the Lieutenant's extraordinary ability to drive fear into her detectives. You might have suspended disbelief a little better, if one of the detectives was fearful, but the other kind of brushed it off easier. Even if he was scared, but too proud to admit it, that would help.

Also, I would have liked to hear (even though it seems obvious to me) why he suspects Tom. The Lieutenant's pressure to leave him alone is the perfect opportunity for him to shout at her that he's an obvious suspect. He knows the homeless by name, he's always among them, after identifying the third body, he offers to pay for the funeral, which is in keeping with the murderer's apparent belief that he has saved this man by sending him to Heaven, etc, etc.

details:

"...the sparks shooting from her eyes definitely did." This metaphor felt a little over-the-top. There are so many cliches regarding a person's eyes, and you tried to create a new metaphor. A good attempt, but comes off as a little silly. Maybe saying he "jumped at her gaze, just as if sparks had shot from her eyes," or something like that would work a little better.

"...but when she did, you better jump to attention, fast." try to keep it past tense. Example: "...but when she did, you were best to jump to attention."

"With the grace of a deer in a china shop..." The problem here, is that deer are kind of graceful. Even though you're placing it in a china shop, I would pick another animal. "Bull in a china shop" of course is cliche. Try rewriting the whole expression. Make it your own.

"Van Buren rounded the corner of her desk [with such force,] I imagined steam twirling from her flared nostrils." Great continuation of the bull analogy. I suggest replacing the bracketed section with "and" to tighten the sentence.

"I've known Tom for thirty odd years." Vague. She sounds unsure. Use an exact number of years, to lend forcefulness to her point.

Most of that is just nit-picky stuff. The only major issue is the lack of belief I had in the Lieutenant's intended character.

Otherwise, this is an awesome story so far. I will definitely continue reading it.

Keep writing.

Colin

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 14-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Colin,

    I have cut and pasted your review in my word processer so I can take time later to really consider your suggestions..I apologize for falling so far behind on my reading and responding..I truly appreciate your comments and assistance. Carol

reply by Colin Douglas on 16-Apr-2010
    No problem. I'm glad you appreciate them.
Comment by
krprice
Premier Author
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  Rank:  28
Review Stars
  Rank:  608
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
"Listen. . .Something's come. . .I shifted m
y gaze. . .
Eyes don't shift around, gazes do.

Before I. . .He pulled the the door closed, heaving a . . .
behind him would be implicit.

Excellent story.

Karlene


 Comment Written 14-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Karlene,

    Awesome..so thrilled that you enjoyed the story chapter so much. A very encouraging moment...Thank you. Carol
Comment by
Belinda
 
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Excellent
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The Angel of Mercy is back, and now the 'lucky one' is Betty. You keep my attention by asking myself what his motivation is, Carol. I'd better hurry to the next, then...


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Belinda,

    Glad you enjoyed this chapter..what would motivate someone to kill another? Carol
Comment by
RobinWrites
 
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Excellent
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I'm very curious as to who the governor is. Is it Thomas Penwell. Great job of keeping up the suspense. Love the way you write.


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Robinwrites,

    Guess we will just have to wait and see, won't we? Thanks again! Carol
Comment by
Turtle... who?
 
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  Rank:  328
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi Carol,

Read through this second part. The scene's have spark, I like that. The story is progressing and interesting, I even saw alliteration, maybe... I don't know much about alliteration, but I've been trying it out. This was enjoyable to read. I liked the lieutenant's anger, and her sticking up for the Van Buren... (I work in Van Buren : ))

Sorry to hear things aren't going well... and hope things do pick up for the better.

He spent night after night, combing the alleys, questioning, searching, hoping against all odds he'd find him before it was too late. (maybe delete the first comma before combing.)

a seven(-)foot toothless

This has a dark feel about it. I like that the villain is 'helping' others in his belief.

--Turtle.


 Comment Written 12-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Turtle,

    Thanks for the kind review. Always appreciate hearing from you. Carol
Comment by
Gert sherwood
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  37
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  54
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
What I don't have any 6 stars left.
Carol,
I like your homeless characters, especially Betty to me she is the most interesting one of all your characters.

I don't know what it is I have strange feelings about her.

Gert


 Comment Written 12-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Gert,

    Your kind thoughts are worth more than 6 stars...Thank you...Carol

reply by Gert sherwood on 13-Apr-2010
    You are welcome Carol
    Keep writing and please take care.
    Gert
Comment by
melyuki
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Hi Sis, now that's my girl, my big sis has struck her wondferful writing expertise once again, such a grand story with excellent plot that continues to move along a great Pace to keep us, readers, on our toes awaiting the next piece of information to lay in front of our eyes,,
Sis, its not just the story here, its the impeccible manner in which you write that deserves all the stars I can find,, you are an amazing story teller, regardless of the tale, your writing skilss are incredible,, Have I told you that before,, I reckon I have , many a time, now go get yourself published and recognised for the brilliant writer you are sis,,, hugs always Luv Melxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


 Comment Written 12-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
    Sis,

    Awesome you are...thank you for the wonderfulencouragement that you always provide and for the dusting stars. Love ya, sis
Comment by
Rama Rao
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I've been admiring your short stories and I find this no less in any way.
I only wondered why the murderer left the card in the hands of the old wo he killed.
Was he a case of split personality, one of the kindness providing food and some comforting words to the homeless and the second killing these hapless people?
Intriguing story. I wished you'd given a hint on this aspect.


 Comment Written 11-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Ramarao

    It's just like a calling card...He thinks he's doing a service. Thanks for reading. I have posted 3 and 4 if your care to continue. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
patwannabe
 
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Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Geez, Carol, this is some Angel of Mercy. I can see his side, though.

I don't think I'd want to work for Van Buren. Isn't she kinda showing her feminine superiority. Hope she has to eat a little crow.

Great continuation. Love it, pat


 Comment Written 11-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Pat,

    Thanks so much for the review and for sticking with the story. Smiles, Carol
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