Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

Status

New Here?
Sign Up
Fast! Three Questions.

Already a member?
Login

Contests

Twenty Short Story Contest
Deadline: Today!

Lune Poetry Contest
Deadline: In 4 Days

True Story Flash
Deadline: Jun 3rd

5-7-5 Poetry Contest
Deadline: Jun 8th

Minute
Deadline: Jun 14th


Writing Classes

0 classes available. Click here locate a class and to learn more.

Rank

Poet: None
Author: None
Novel: None
Reviewer:None
Votes: None






Reviews from
Angel of Mercy Part 3


Living on the Streets......

  30 total reviews 
Comment by
suzzy
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
their is lots of good description here --i like how you are putting in blood at the end so ill keep reading good job-guess i don;t know who is the killer?


 Comment Written 18-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 19-Apr-2010
    Suzzy,

    Hope I can keep you guessing until the end...The readers often think they know, but the thrill is to keep them guessing. Smiles, CArol
Comment by
Colin Douglas
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
The Leiutenant with the the killer is a great complication. Maybe its been done before, but not overly much. On the spot they have to pitch her the idea of undercover work, but they're saying this right in front of Max's number one suspect--who we know to be the killer.

Your descriptions are fantastic. I really get a feel for where he is when he's walking with the homeless.

small detail:

"For an "old geezer" pushing 50" Pushing fify makes one an old geezer? Even if Max is supposed to be in his mid-twenties, I can't see him seeing 50 as over-the-hill. Anyway, the quotation marks are unnecessary, and you should spell out "fifty" as opposed to using the numerals.



 Comment Written 15-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Colin,

    I think his appearance makes Max consider him older than he actually is...Thanks again for all your suggestions. Carol

reply by Colin Douglas on 16-Apr-2010
    But he states that he's "pushing fifty" as a fact he seems to know. And if I remember correctly, he was commenting on how fit and young he looked in spite of his age.

reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Thank you ...I'll take another look right now..My feeble mind goes one way and writes another..Smiles, Carol
Comment by
krprice
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  28
Review Stars
  Rank:  608
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Several people . .attache. .. .

This is an excellent chapter or part as you label them. I felt I was there with him.

Karlene


 Comment Written 14-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Karlene,

    Appreciate the continued following..and always the assistance. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
Belinda
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Serves Max right to have his suspicions...:). But I bet it is valuable for him to be among the homeless for a change, as you mention it yourself, Carol. Good description of the stay, breakfast, and the priest.


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Belinda,

    Thanks so much for all your encouragement and continued support. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
RobinWrites
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Great writing and loved the twist of Max going undercover. I enjoyed seeing that side of life from his point of view. Great job.


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Robinwrites,

    I am very appreative that you have continued to follow the story. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
BJean
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I can only imagine being thrust into homelessness on the streets. It would be an eye opener for sure. I wonder what he will come up with. very good chapter! Love, Jean


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 16-Apr-2010
    Jean,

    Thank you again for your continued support. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
allinmyhead
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Nice build-up with this one. It's one of those pieces that unfolds, drawing the reader in and making them want to stay until the finish. You setup the undercover assignment very nicely with this our presence among the homeless made more of a disturbance than our perp. Also loved the twist with Penwell and Van Buren; the discomfort generated was priceless.
The 'action' used here really helps define and visually describe the characters, bits like: I watched the veins thicken in Jerry's neck, For the first time in my life, my mouth was open, but nothing would come out, the chill factor had dropped fifty degrees. Her black eyes blazed with anger., and My disposition matched my appearance. Well-done character development.
Really loved this line: The elevator doors opened to reveal one of the saddest slumber parties I'd ever seen. That was excellent.
You're really moving along here. Great work.

One tiny note (and I mean tiny). In the first paragraph I would take out the words 'carefully being'; the combination of 'caring hands' says it all. You don't need the adverb.


 Comment Written 13-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    allinmyhead,

    Awesome...I love writing descriptive and the fact that you chose some of my favorite parts thrills me. Thank you so much. Carol
Comment by
Gert sherwood
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  37
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  53
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hello Carol,
I like the idea of Jerry ( Am I right)
being a homeless person and doing some detective work) of his own
It makes your story interesting and very intriguing
Gert


 Comment Written 12-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Gert,

    Thanks so much for following the story. It's Max who is undercover and his partner is Jerry. I posted number 4. Smiles, Carol

reply by Gert sherwood on 13-Apr-2010
    You are welcome Carol
    Gert
Comment by
2010 Short Works Writer Of The Year
lola29
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
It's refreshing to know that the police are taking a viable interest in the case, because to many, the homeless are not worth worry about.


 Comment Written 12-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Lola,

    I think that is why this short story grew into chapters...I wanted the readers to connect, see what life is like for these unfortunate...I hope it's been a worthy read. Carol
Comment by
bayoupoet
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is an exceptional story with an amazing plot and characters. I have been caught up in the suspense of this tale and am eagerly awaiting the next chapter. Well done, Carol!
sandra


 Comment Written 12-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
    Sandra,

    Hi girlfriend...Can't believe I finally shook off the doldrums and got myself working and writing. Life has been a spiral. Thankyouforenjoying the story...Smiles, Carol
  -1-  2 3 4  Next Page 


Market your book.
Advertising options.
dreamtime
the night, watch...


Share or Bookmark
  Contact Us | En español | Advertise With Us

© 2015 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy