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Reviews from
Shattered Dreams


Violence under the stars.....

  46 total reviews 
Comment by
spellbound
 
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So few words and yet this piece is very descriptive.

An excellent contest entry.

I do not find anything that needs changing.

Good luck in the contest.


 Comment Written 18-May-2010



reply by the author on 21-May-2010
    Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
Comment by
Ann Smith
 
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Sometimes those who have nothing still cling to their dreams and imaginations. It is sad that even that can be taken, but now the senorita in death has her dreams realized. The imagery and details are good and tells the story in just a few words. Good luck with the contest. ann


 Comment Written 18-May-2010



reply by the author on 21-May-2010
    Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol

reply by Ann Smith on 21-May-2010
    I hope you will feel better soon. Poison ivy is not fun. ann
Comment by
sgalletti
 
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Hi Carol! I'm reading all of these wonderful entries in the micro-fiction contest before voting. Your story is a tragic tale that is very real here in San Diego with a monster named John Gardner who killed two young girls. I wish he'd be thrown dead in the garbage dump himself...Best of luck in the contest. Sue


 Comment Written 17-May-2010



reply by the author on 21-May-2010
    Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
Comment by
dorts
 
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You can feel the girl's carefree spirit just walking down the path with all of her dreams in front of her. What a shock and such a violent ending. Loved the detail at the end knowing that at last she was free after such an awful experience and all her dreams shattered.


 Comment Written 17-May-2010



reply by the author on 21-May-2010
    Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
Comment by
Adri7enne
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  Rank:  401
 
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Sad little story of a lost dream. I guess in some circumstances, death is the only solution.
You managed to tell an entire tale with enough details to move it along. Good luck in the contest.


 Comment Written 17-May-2010



reply by the author on 21-May-2010
    Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
Comment by
Readywriter52
 
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It's one thing to have a rich fantacy life and it's another thing to ignore your surroundings. Sometime awareness is our only defense against men who would destroy us.


 Comment Written 17-May-2010



reply by the author on 21-May-2010
    Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol

reply by Readywriter52 on 21-May-2010
    I understand. I have been clearing the vines and weeds so I had poison ivy on my hand, arms, and face. I don't think I got it as bad as you. I hope you feel well soon.
Comment by
whizpurr ^-^
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Chilling story, Begin Again, and well structured for the micro fiction contest. You write well. This one sounded as if it could be true and probably does happen more often than one knows. Thanks for sharing. Best wishes, W ^-^


 Comment Written 16-May-2010



reply by the author on 21-May-2010
    Please forgive me for this cut and paste response. I've been having a bit of a thriller myself - been clearing trees, shrubs and weeds and a ringer called poison ivy jumped into the match. I lost and my eyes now resemble a prize fighter--swollen to the max. I can squint today so I wanted to let you know I appreciate your reading Thank you for your continued support and understanding...Smiles, Carol
Comment by
kchitti
 
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well, I found this very poetic actually, and perhaps maybe too much so. ha, if that makes sense. I just wonder how flash-like it is with your fairly liberal use of modifiers. "stars and moonlight" "Garden of Eden" "like gluttons' and so on. Most of those could be shortened in some way or removed. But again, your words are really strong and create powerful imagery. which I also really like.

except one last thing. the last line. I just feel it doesn't add anything to your story. it's obvious she dies from the line before -- so it isn't necessary. if anything you could add 'the angels welcomed her home' to the previous line and edit out 'At the Gates of Heaven'.

anyway, so I guess what I'm saying is I love the story and the imagery you created. to me, it reads a lot like poetry. It just, in my opinion, is not very flash-like. ha, if that is a term.

but I am often wrong on a daily, if not hourly, basis. take care and best of luck!


 Comment Written 15-May-2010



reply by the author on 15-May-2010
    kchitti

    My usual style of writing and flash fiction butt heads continuously. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
Sharesy
 
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I liked this very much, Carol. the picture pretty much tells the whole story. It ties in nicely with your prose. It's difficult to establish character in such a short piece, but you managed to relay that the girl lived in poverty, but dreamed of a bigger, better life, then her dreams, and her life were ended by two drunks. Excellent story.


 Comment Written 25-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
    Sharesy,

    Thank you so much for your wonderful comments and support. Always appreciate it. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
RobinWrites
 
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What a beautiful beginning only to end so sad. Though, I did love the image of her being welcomed by the angels. A wonderful story written in so few words.


 Comment Written 24-Apr-2010



reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
    Robin,

    Thank you as always for the wonderful response and encouragement. You lift my spirits every time. Smiles, CArol
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