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Reviews from
Evil in Paradise - Part 3


Mystery and Crime

  25 total reviews 
Comment by
Sharesy
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
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Just a couple of glitches, no biggie.


it's possible you were [that] last person to see Miss Armstrong." -(the)

Carrie had probably been asleep prior to her friends(') announcement and his arrival


This FBI guy looks like a winner. I already like him better than Carrie''s crappy boyfriend, James.


 Comment Written 27-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jul-2010
    Sharesy...

    My heart felt thanks...Carol
Comment by
shygirl21
 
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I was too busy reading to make any notes this time lol. You are setting up the intrigue perfectly, and I'm continually guessing where the story is going next. it's awesome - I'm off to part four!


 Comment Written 20-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
    Pam,

    With me..the story always makes a sharp turn when you least expect it...Smiles, Carol
Comment by
mtngalofnc
 
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Hi Carol,

Wow, what a vacation! Your story is interesting and held my attention from start to finish and has a smooth flow. With your descriptions I could easily envision the scene. Down through the years there has been times when bodies have been found in these mountains. Apparently the killers think these beautiful Smokey's is a good dumping ground and probably think the bodies will never be found. Because of the many hiker's they usually are found, but sadly the criminals identity usually is never known. Great chapter and I look forward to reading the next.

Becky


 Comment Written 19-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
    Becky..

    Thank you so much for all your support and encouragement. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
Gert sherwood
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  33
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  55
 
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Hello Begin Again
Now if it were me, I would get out of this place called Paradise.
You have a very mysterious and scary story going.
Love the dialogue and questions between the investigator and Carrie.

Gert


 Comment Written 18-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
    Gert,

    Thank you so much for all your support and encouragement. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
Nanette Mary
 
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Hullo Carol ....

This was an interesting segment of your story and I have given you 4 stars, trusting that you will consider the changes recommended ....

* You have - the girls led a team of law enforcement back to the remote area they had been earlier in the day. I
suggest - the girls led a team of Law Enforcement Officers back to the remote are where they had been earlier in the day.
* You have - each of them told their story of hiking .. this should be - each of them told her story ....
* You have - she plodded off toward her own cabin ...
why should Carrie plod? I suggest - she made her way towards her own cabin ... OR ... she ambled off ....
* You have - Hold on, will you? ... then ...
Open the door, will you? To avoid repetition, I suggest, for the first one - Hold on. I'll be there in a moment.
* You have - After hearing the newscast, her friends reported her disappearance. As this is about Joy, surely
the newcomers would have said something like ....
"Something must have happened to Joy. After hearing a newscast, her friends reported her disappearance. ...
* You have - and reporters are swarming the lodge ...
I suggest - reporters are swarming around the lodge ...
* You have - Everyone's drawing the worse possible conclusions ... this should be - the worst possible ...
* You have - Ceasing on an opportunity to show off her knowledge ... this should be - Seizing the opportunity ...
* You have - you were that last person to see Miss Armstrong ... this should be - you were the last person ....
* You have - had probably been asleep prior to her friends announcement ... this should be - her friends' announcement ....
* You have - Carrie swatted away the last tear ... you swat a fly, not a tear ... and I suggest - Carrie dabbed away the last tear ...
* You have - My boyfriend would have been quick to point my foolishness out. I suggest - My boy-friend would have been quick to point out my foolishness.
* You have - and he wore some kind of jumpsuit or cover-all. Like the kind maintenance people wear ...
I suggest - and he wore some kind of jump-suit or
overall, like maintenance people wear ....

Your next chapter should be most interesting.
With love from ..... Nanette Mary.


 Comment Written 18-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
    Nanette,

    Thank you so much for all your support and encouragement. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
jl & bandit
 
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Hello Carrol...
Very well done, my friend !
There are two places in the story that need quotation marks that I saw.....

<">When you left her, did you see where she went? You said she was leaving, did she head for her car?"

card and handed it to Carrie.<"> If you think of anything

Other than that , its Perfect, very enjoyable .
JL&B


 Comment Written 18-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
    JL &B

    Thank you so much for all your support and encouragement. I hope that you will continue to follow the story. I've posted 4 through 6. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
melyuki
 
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and the adventure and plot thickens... hmmmm indeed I wonder what my big sis has in mind now.. this is a wonderful story, very intimate in its narrative form, feeling like I am part of the crew listening to the investigations take place. you are a very grand story teller big sis.. i have missed your expertise these last few weeks. .thank heavens your eyes are seeing again.. luv and hugs and still no sixes in sight here, but so worthy if only i had one.. happy thoughts to you my big sis, smiling away with ya,, little sisxxxxxxxxxxxxx


 Comment Written 18-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
    Sis,

    I am more than just behind..love you...Sis
Comment by
Trybuck
 
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Hmmm. Could there be two killers working together? Who will be next to go mysteriously missing. I would say it'll be one of Carrie's friends.

May want to proof-read again. Typos in the spelling of cafe, other than that, Well done, Buck


 Comment Written 17-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
    Buck,

    Love it when I can make you keep guessing...I remember you told me that was my job...glad I can still achieve it. Smiles, CArol
Comment by
rama devi
May All Beings Be Happy
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  52
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  104
 
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Another good chapter, dear. I read only once so did not do my usual second read for spag (it's ten pm and I'm tired)

The dialog, plot building and flow are exclelent as usual.

But I noticed a few tiny issues to mention-

*Satisfied that the foursome couldn't offer anything further,

THAT could be trimmed

*Frustrated and worried, Carrie stood on the porch, scanning the lodge parking lot.

Telling not showing. Why not describe the emotion rather than mention?

*You're letting everything get the best of you. Joy probably had a change of plans and is spending the evening with someone else.

THIS WAS INTERNAL DIALOG---so maybe use italics?

*Thirty minutes later, the three girls were retracing yesterday's hike and Carrie was sitting in the cafe with Agent Stafford.

Passive voicing. Consider revising. Maybe try-

Thirty minutes later, the three girls set out to retrace yesterday's hike and Carrie sat in the cafe with Agent Stafford

Just some thoughts.

This is a fine chapter. Nice to see you posting again!

Love, rd


 Comment Written 17-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
    RD,

    Thanks so much for your encouragement and support. LIfe's upside down at the moment and writing seems to ground me. Thanks...Carol

reply by rama devi on 24-Jun-2010
    :-) Happy the writing brings you peace!
    Hugs,r d
Comment by
patwannabe
 
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Carol, so good to see your postings again. What is worse than poison ivy. Glad you're recovering.

Great story so far. Up to par with your usual posts. You are one very talented writer.

Awaiting part four. pat


 Comment Written 17-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
    Pat,

    Thank you for the generous comments and support. I really really appreciate it. Carol
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