Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

Status

New Here?
Sign Up
Fast! Three Questions.

Already a member?
Login

Contests

Lune Poetry Contest
Deadline: Today!

True Story Flash
Deadline: In 4 Days

5-7-5 Poetry Contest
Deadline: Jun 8th

Minute
Deadline: Jun 14th

Share Your Story
Deadline: Jun 16th


Writing Classes

0 classes available. Click here locate a class and to learn more.

Rank

Poet: None
Author: None
Novel: None
Reviewer:None
Votes: None






Reviews from
Evil in Paradise - Part 7


Mystery and Crime

  33 total reviews 
Comment by
missy98writer
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Carol,
the proverbial pot or plot thickens. This chapter is a real nail biter. As always excellent dialogue and tension. Wonderful imagery- I could see the scenes take place in my head. Great narrative and very descriptive writing. Here are some examples of your descriptive writing:
The muffled sound of male voices nearby sent waves of chills through her body. Her immediate response was to struggle against the coarse ropes binding her hands. Weak with exhaustion, her body sagged against the metal flooring. Carrie surmised she was inside a truck or van. The sound of a door opening and a rocking motion lead her to believe someone was getting into the vehicle. Lying motionless, she waited.

"That's why I do the thinking around here. Just get the job done. I gotta stash this chick before the shipment comes in tonight. Just in case Hank comes sniffing around, asking questions, once he hears about the babe missing." Mick threw the shifter in gear, spinning two very bald tires, and spraying gravel everywhere. The van heaved from side to side as it lumbered back toward the highway. Carrie's body rocked back and forth, slamming against the rear seats. Her muffled moan reached Mick's ear.
Suddenly, the van came to a halt. The opening and closing of the door sent another wave of anxiety through Carrie. Remembering Joy, she cringed and a sour taste rose in her throat. Gagging, she vomited as a hand roughly yanked the soiled cloth from her mouth. Vulgar bits spewed from deep within her
An unwanted vision of his last visit exploded in his mind. Seeing his brother sitting in a pool of blood, cradling the woman's headless body, crying, pleading for her to wake up, had horrified him. Aware of his brother's split personalities, he'd never experienced a violent side of him. Being the older of the three brothers, he'd promised their dying mother to take care of the other two. He'd done his best, but this side of Colin curdled his blood.

He hadn't planned on getting another woman, but Colin's constant whimpering and pleading was more than he could endure. He'd seen Joy in town a time or two. She'd appeared to be kind, gentle soul. One that would understand the needs of his brother. He wasn't sure what had happened in his absence, except he'd mistakenly left a steak knife inside Colin's enclosure, which became a murder weapon
"Listen, honey, your man deals in many things besides what he's told you. You better hope he values your sweet skin or you might just become my brother's new playmate." His voice was filled with anger and resentment.
"Have you gone stark raving nuts? She knows nothing of my side business."
JAMES IS A SLEAZE BALL- I KNEW IT!
"The girl's yours. Enjoy her, because by this time tomorrow, you're dead." The connection ended.

JAMES IS DESPICABLE! I hope Darrell saves our gal. I'm on pins and needles. Hurry with the next post. Brilliant writing, my friend. . .Melissa!


 Comment Written 26-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jul-2010
    Melissa,

    Thank you for the wonderful smile and uplifting you always manage to give me. I truly appreciate. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
cheyennewy
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
HI Carol,

The polt clots as they say. Finding out about James and his dealings with Mick really surprised me. Obviously he cares nothing for Carrie and is leaving her to the dogs. The part about Colin and his mental state is very scary and I fear for Carrrie. Great chapter...keep them coming! Blessings, chey


 Comment Written 26-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jul-2010
    Chey,

    Thanks for the kind words, the blessings and the support. Smiles, Carol
Comment by
2012 Short Works Writer Of The Year
Realist101
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  481
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi Carol!! Headless bodies! I am sure hoping this girl makes it away from this mess. And I see a "Forewarning"?? In the comment about the smell of a cave? Can't wait to see what's next. I did see a small typo? In the 4th phrase, second sentence there is a word? re mi? should this be the word "remind"? Miss Carol!! you must type 90 MPH's!! ") GOOD story tho, a cliffhanger! ") Luv, Susan


 Comment Written 26-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jul-2010
    Susan,

    My apologies for my delay in thanking you for all your continued support and for enjoying the story. I appreciate every encouraging comment.

    Another of those unexpected "life happens" has knocked at my door claiming much of my time...I apologize for my delay in thanking you and in writing. I certainly didn't plan on the story being so long, but it took on a life of its own as well. Hopefully, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel for both.

    Smiles....Carol

reply by Realist101 on 02-Jul-2010
    Hang in there Carol. I continue to purchase our lottery tickets. I mean it, you and I are someday (God willing and the crik don't rise) on a week's BREAK from LIFE! HA, I just want to talk, and RELAX!!! NO DISHES< NO CHORES< NO STRESS!!! ") SOMEDAY, in the meantime, I wish you some GOOD LUCK for a while...I have none of my own, or I would send some your way!! Maybe the powers that be will take pity on us both? Luv, Susan
Comment by
ladybird
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Oh, this is so, so good.You kept the tension high throughout this. I could feel, see, and taste every descritive. I sort of thought James might not be as he appeared, but this is a real good twist to the story. Loved it!


 Comment Written 26-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jul-2010
    ladybird,

    As always, you are awesome! Thank you...Carol

reply by ladybird on 02-Jul-2010
    You're welcome. It's a awesome read, lol. Linda.
Comment by
minopavlic
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Carol, the ending was right on the money. When one is involved in such a racket as drugs, peoples lives have no meaning.

No need to draw any unnecessary attention[in] his direction.

no_obstacle


 Comment Written 26-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jul-2010
    Mino,

    Thanks for your help and kind words...Smiles, Carol
Comment by
barbara.wilkey
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  5
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  38
 

#5 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
James is in on all of this, except the kidnapping and murder of the women. How is the FBI going to rescue Carrie. Will they know she didn't make her flight? Oh dear this is really good.


 Comment Written 26-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jul-2010
    Barbara,

    Thank you as always, CArol
Comment by
Nanette Mary
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hullo Carol ....

Your ending is certainly a surprise ... with James being unwilling to part with money in order to save Carrie's life.
This is an interesting chapter in your story and I have given you 5 stars, trusting that you will consider the few changes recommended ....

* You have - regardless if Mick said dumping the girl's stuff would be a breeze. I suggest - regardless of Mick's claim that dumping the girl's stuff would be a breeze.
* You have - She'd appeared to be kind, gentle soul. One that would understand the needs of his brother. I suggest - She'd appeqred to be a kind, gentle soul and one that would ....
* You have - The sound of clanking chains and scrapping metal echoed ... this should be - and scraping metal ...
* You have - Carrie froze at the sound of James's name ... this should be - the sound of James' name ...

Now, I look forward to the next chapter.
With love from ..... Nanette Mary.


 Comment Written 26-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jul-2010
    Nanette,

    Thanks for all your time and assistnace...Smiles, Carol
Comment by
IndianaIrish
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Carol, what an amazing story you're writing! It has everything to keep the reader involved and in suspense. Your characters, dialogue, and action are all outstanding.
This chapter is the bee's knees!! :>)

karyn


 Comment Written 26-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jul-2010
    Karyn,

    Awesome...Absolutely wonderful and I am grateful! Carol
Comment by
RebelRose
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Boy, what a twist this is. I knew that James was not what he should be but I figured it was something like he had a girl with at the beach or something like that. I am a bit confused, though, as to who Billy is, the one who was mentioned when Mick and Rufus were talking. I thought it was the younger brother they were referring to but his name is Colin.


 Comment Written 26-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jul-2010
    Patti,

    Thank you again for all your encouragement and kind words...Carol Oops! You are the only one who caught my error..thanks!
Comment by
hfriscia
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is an interesting story to read...The flow is good, not a dry spot at all...Every word you use fits with the story and helps it move along...


 Comment Written 26-Jun-2010



reply by the author on 02-Jul-2010
    hfriscia,

    Thanks for the awesome review..appreciate it very much. Carol
  Previous Page  1 2  -3-  4  Next Page 


Market your book.
Advertising options.
Promote your favorite work here with the Reader Weekly certificate.

Click here for info.


Share or Bookmark
  Contact Us | En español | Advertise With Us

© 2015 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy