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Reviews from
Flash Fiction Collection
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Into the Gathering Storm"
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a selection of my best flash fiction
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44 total reviews
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Comment by
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I really enjoyed your great story! I am not usually attracted by ghost-type scenarios, but this worked just perfectly and you held my interest with every word.
As you know, I rarely venture into the world of prose, so I have no insightful comments to make about the structure of the story and things of that kind.
All I can say is that I found the main character's thoughts and words convincing, the descriptions were just the right length to convey an image without being over long, and the story seemed entirely probable. More things than we can explain sometimes!
I also liked the down to earth ending, with our hero realising for himself that this account is likely to meet with scepticism.
I wish you the best of luck in the contest, and thanks for the pleasure the story gave me.
Sally
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Comment Written 08-Jan-2011 |
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reply by the author on 08-Jan-2011
Thank you, Sally. The contest voting is over and I got 3rd, but that's ok, I've already submitted it for a contest off site. Oh, and don't apologize for your lack of knowledge of prose. I don't know much about poetry, but I don't let that stop me. hehehe! I still appreciate hearing that you liked the story.
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Comment by | | | | | Review Stars
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I was going to be all cryptic and start off by saying Hi R, as this is a blind contest entry. But as these reviews are blind until the voting has ended I'm happy to say "Hi, Red" as no one can be influenced.
I came across this via your profile, and I haven't yet read any of the others contest entries against which I can compare this, but I note you saying it's not doing so well in the booth. I guess those others must be pretty damm good.
Anyway, on my first read I wasn't aware it was a contest entry, and as I read I thought the story a tad cliched. 'A siren luring a mortal soul to their death' type of thing, so the ending came as a pleasant surprise. Finding out it was a contest entry made more sense.
Only a couple of things stood out during my readings. The first, and I'm not 100% on this, is you sometimes have nothing to distinguish between narrative and Sean's internal dialogue. No italics or 'xxxx', though at times you do use 'he thought'
This might be a very small point, but the following line registered with me, eventually...but it was the sight of the girl that made his heart stumble and then race. I've been told on a few occassions that someone or something usually shouldn't be introduced as 'the' someone or something, but rather 'a' someone or something, and thereafter it or they can be referred to as 'the'. I suspect that should be true here, but I'm always open to knowing why not if I'm wrong. I only picked up on this, though, after a few readings, and for that I blame the picture :-)
He no longer felt the cold and wet. He was safe. This was the only part which stood out from my first reading. More specifically, the line 'He was safe.' Because he wasn't thinking beforehand he was in danger, why is he now thinking he's safe? Am I making sense? I wonder if 'He felt safe.' might be a better fit.
The above couple of points are pretty minor, and could conceivably be only personal preference, so no knocking down my rating of what is a well written piece.
I have, in the past, entered similar image based contests, and it always surprises me the number of people who do not use the artwork as a basis, but rather as a point of reference in an otherwise completely un-related story. This picture can't have lent itself to many variations, but I shall have fun finding out how many there are and who stuck to the rules.
As usual, Red, I find this matches your normal high standards.
Regards
Michael D
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Comment Written 07-Jan-2011 |
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reply by the author on 07-Jan-2011
Thank you, Michael. As usual, your incisive review has given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate the time and thought you put into your reviews, and if I have a nom, it's yours.
I disagree with using "a girl" instead of "the girl". It is this particular girl, in fact, who caught his attention and there's nobody else around, so I think "the girl" is appropriate. Tried "a girl" in my head and it just didn't work, IMO.
As for the internal narrative--have you taken Dawn's POV class? One of the things she teaches is that when you're submersed in the POV character, he thought/knew/saw/felt etc. becomes unnecessary for the most part. In fact, leaving them out can pull the reader into the POV even tighter. Did you have any doubt whose thoughts we were "hearing"? And italics are out of vogue and frowned upon by most of the publishing world.
Good point about that "he was safe" line. Though I had my reasons for stating it that way--kind of foreshadowing the danger to come, and another instance of deepening POV (see above)--in this instance, I think you're right. I will change that after the contest voting is over.
Thank you again for the thorough, encouraging review. You're easily one of the best reviewers on FS and I wish we had a dozen more like you.
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Comment by | | | | | Review Stars
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
 | Author Rating For Short Works
 | Review Stars
Rank: 292 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
| Review Stars
Rank: 397 | | | |
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