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Deadline: Feb 5th

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Deadline: Feb 10th

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Deadline: Feb 12th


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Reviews from
Flash Fiction Collection


Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Into the Gathering Storm"

a selection of my best flash fiction

  44 total reviews 
Comment by
Sally Carter
 
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Excellent
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I really enjoyed your great story! I am not usually attracted by ghost-type scenarios, but this worked just perfectly and you held my interest with every word.
As you know, I rarely venture into the world of prose, so I have no insightful comments to make about the structure of the story and things of that kind.
All I can say is that I found the main character's thoughts and words convincing, the descriptions were just the right length to convey an image without being over long, and the story seemed entirely probable. More things than we can explain sometimes!
I also liked the down to earth ending, with our hero realising for himself that this account is likely to meet with scepticism.
I wish you the best of luck in the contest, and thanks for the pleasure the story gave me.
Sally


 Comment Written 08-Jan-2011



reply by the author on 08-Jan-2011
    Thank you, Sally. The contest voting is over and I got 3rd, but that's ok, I've already submitted it for a contest off site. Oh, and don't apologize for your lack of knowledge of prose. I don't know much about poetry, but I don't let that stop me. hehehe! I still appreciate hearing that you liked the story.
Comment by
marcii
 
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A woman saved a mans life, what a surprise.
He would need all that time too, for who would believe him, he probably questions himself.

I thought this is a well told story with a good twist or two, depends how you look at it.

Marcii


 Comment Written 08-Jan-2011



reply by the author on 08-Jan-2011
    Thank you, Marcii. I appreciate the kind review.
Comment by
Metal Head
 
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I was going to be all cryptic and start off by saying Hi R, as this is a blind contest entry. But as these reviews are blind until the voting has ended I'm happy to say "Hi, Red" as no one can be influenced.

I came across this via your profile, and I haven't yet read any of the others contest entries against which I can compare this, but I note you saying it's not doing so well in the booth. I guess those others must be pretty damm good.

Anyway, on my first read I wasn't aware it was a contest entry, and as I read I thought the story a tad cliched. 'A siren luring a mortal soul to their death' type of thing, so the ending came as a pleasant surprise. Finding out it was a contest entry made more sense.

Only a couple of things stood out during my readings. The first, and I'm not 100% on this, is you sometimes have nothing to distinguish between narrative and Sean's internal dialogue. No italics or 'xxxx', though at times you do use 'he thought'

This might be a very small point, but the following line registered with me, eventually...but it was the sight of the girl that made his heart stumble and then race. I've been told on a few occassions that someone or something usually shouldn't be introduced as 'the' someone or something, but rather 'a' someone or something, and thereafter it or they can be referred to as 'the'. I suspect that should be true here, but I'm always open to knowing why not if I'm wrong. I only picked up on this, though, after a few readings, and for that I blame the picture :-)

He no longer felt the cold and wet. He was safe. This was the only part which stood out from my first reading. More specifically, the line 'He was safe.' Because he wasn't thinking beforehand he was in danger, why is he now thinking he's safe? Am I making sense? I wonder if 'He felt safe.' might be a better fit.

The above couple of points are pretty minor, and could conceivably be only personal preference, so no knocking down my rating of what is a well written piece.

I have, in the past, entered similar image based contests, and it always surprises me the number of people who do not use the artwork as a basis, but rather as a point of reference in an otherwise completely un-related story. This picture can't have lent itself to many variations, but I shall have fun finding out how many there are and who stuck to the rules.

As usual, Red, I find this matches your normal high standards.

Regards

Michael D


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2011



reply by the author on 07-Jan-2011
    Thank you, Michael. As usual, your incisive review has given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate the time and thought you put into your reviews, and if I have a nom, it's yours.

    I disagree with using "a girl" instead of "the girl". It is this particular girl, in fact, who caught his attention and there's nobody else around, so I think "the girl" is appropriate. Tried "a girl" in my head and it just didn't work, IMO.

    As for the internal narrative--have you taken Dawn's POV class? One of the things she teaches is that when you're submersed in the POV character, he thought/knew/saw/felt etc. becomes unnecessary for the most part. In fact, leaving them out can pull the reader into the POV even tighter. Did you have any doubt whose thoughts we were "hearing"? And italics are out of vogue and frowned upon by most of the publishing world.

    Good point about that "he was safe" line. Though I had my reasons for stating it that way--kind of foreshadowing the danger to come, and another instance of deepening POV (see above)--in this instance, I think you're right. I will change that after the contest voting is over.

    Thank you again for the thorough, encouraging review. You're easily one of the best reviewers on FS and I wish we had a dozen more like you.
Comment by
Espresso momma
 
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Excellent
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Bravo for you! That was a great piece of fiction. I didn't want to stop reading until the end. Good luck on the contest you deserve it.


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2011



reply by the author on 07-Jan-2011
    Thank you for the enthusiastic review and good luck wishes. Not doing too well in the booth so far, but there's time yet.
Comment by
The Stranger
 
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Excellent
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This has an interesting story line,strong descriptive paragraphs, which presents itself with strong imagery, good hook to keep the interest flowing, well worth taking the time to read and enjoy


 Comment Written 06-Jan-2011



reply by the author on 07-Jan-2011
    Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate the encouraging review.
Comment by
Gungalo
 
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Excellent
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Great story you. I liked the bit of supernatural to it with her appearing out of nowhere and ultimately saving his life. Wow. What a plot. Well done and written.


 Comment Written 06-Jan-2011



reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
    Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed my flash fiction story, and I appreciate the kind review.

reply by Gungalo on 06-Jan-2011
    My pleasure.
Comment by
joannesnow
 
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Well written easy to understand drama. Your use of metaphors and similes help develop most vivid scenery. This is a great story with a strong message of hope and understanding. Your picture adds volumes to your write.


 Comment Written 06-Jan-2011



reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
    Thank you, Joanne, I'm glad you enjoyed my story.
Comment by
Spiritual Echo
 
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Excellent
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Nice story with an imaginative plot and perfect characters. There's a great sense of tranquility as well as dram and it is an enjoyable read.

At the beginning do you mean waif? I don't know what a wraith is?


 Comment Written 06-Jan-2011



reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
    A wraith is like a ghost. Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Comment by
fayesh
Premier Author
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Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  292
 
Excellent
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A very well-told tale of a miracle and the unexplainable. I enjoyed the imagery and the detailed descriptions of the oncoming storm and the mysterious spirit that saved the main character. Very nicely done.


 Comment Written 06-Jan-2011



reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
    Thank you, I'm really glad you enjoyed my story.
Comment by
N.K. Wagner
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Poet Rating
 
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Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  397
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Very well done. Your protagonist thinks and acts reasonably until he sits down in the storm, but I suspect he had no choice at that moment. I like the ending thought, again completely reasonable. A good read. Good luck. Nancy


 Comment Written 06-Jan-2011



reply by the author on 06-Jan-2011
    Thank you, Nancy, I'm glad you liked my story.
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