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Reviews from
Idol Adventures


Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Where Am I Going?"

Based on personal African experience via Hollywood

  4 total reviews 
Comment by
mizzkris20
 
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Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I enjoyed reading your work. It was a pleasure reading it.

Thank you for sharing such fine art. Awesome!

You have done an amazing job. congrats!


 Comment Written 25-Oct-2012



reply by the author on 25-Oct-2012
    2 exactly the same replies to 2 different articles; the equivalent of a cyber rubber stamp?
Comment by
jjstar
 
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Okay, this is going to have to be part 1. Gotta go make dinner. I'll be back in about an hour to finish. Your challenge from me is to do away with the passive verbs..I think it would spice this crazy story up even more than it already is. :)

Suddenly, I clutched my greasy wad of bills closer, as a new plan seeped through the sandy beaches of my mind like MacDonald's hot coffee though an old ladies dress, all to the tune of Surfin' USA!===might want to break this very long sentence up a bit. Suddenly, I clutched my greasy wad a bills closer. A new plan seeped through to the tune of Surfin' USA. The sandy beaches of my mind, like MacDonald's hot coffee through an old lady's dress, would seek out One-eyed, One-eared, One-legged happy and buy the map to the ......

He had offered it to me once before when I had pulled him to safety just before he got El Cruncaded by the crazy car. ==He (get rid of the had...lol)offered..

had pulled him---get rid of the had...

map to the Idol with the Golden Eye,(insert comma) which would make me rich.

Sometimes,(insert comma) it seemed,(insert comma) he didn't even know he was missing some parts.

Once,(insert comma) I saw him put his foot up on a chair just to stop and intimidate some guys on the deck of The Palace. Wham! Down he went! Old Mr. Denial had (get rid of the had...put up the only leg he had,

The other thing I'll pass on that I've learned is that supposedly just is a dirty word for writers to use.


But now I was looking, because I wanted that map he had showed me last week. Then, I hadn't been ready to go into the darkest part of the bush and wrest fame and fortune from all the devils that lived there, but now I was! I didn't come this far to go back to New York to hear the jeers and the taunts of my old buddies. No sir, that's why I left there in the first place. But this time, I'd be coming back in style! ===

okay, now I would try to rewrite a little to take out the passive verbs was, has, has been, been..maybe try something like: Now wanting (maybe stronger verb..craving, itching?? the map he flashed at me last week, not even the darkest bush or the devils who wrested fame or fortune deterred me.

Failure is not an option. Already, the sound of mocking jeers and taunts (drove==or something) me to come home in style this time.



 Comment Written 24-Oct-2012



reply by the author on 24-Oct-2012
    Thanks so far ... enjoy supper... does your husband write on FanStory? Nosey me. :)

reply by jjstar on 24-Oct-2012
    Yes, he does. His book is Under Rob Caudle. It's called Some of it's Magic. It's excellent! Just probably a little old school for you..I'm assuming you're much younger than us...lol..kay bacon is burning...gotta go!
Comment by
ajdevore
 
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Excellent
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Under the nearest elephant? And oh my, the metaphors just keep rolling on by. You gonna do the screenplay? What about merchandising. Plastic pigs and elephants should do well. The happiest of happy meals.


 Comment Written 09-Apr-2012



reply by the author on 09-Apr-2012
    :) Gotta get the book done first, dontcha think?
Comment by
James McCorkle
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
SAA strange story about a map where a hidden treasure is. Poor old hap was ready to part with the map for just a few dollars, but dies when Bonzo ran over him with a car. Billy had given Hap the monet before Hap died in the mud, But Bonzo has come back with the obvious intent to kill him also. Grabbing the map and regaing his dollar bills he runs away as Bonzo fires at him. Interesting stuf. Jim McCorkle.


 Comment Written 08-Apr-2012



reply by the author on 09-Apr-2012
    Thanks!
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