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Reviews from
Aliens


sci-fi

  16 total reviews 
Comment by
nora arjuna
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
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oh i really needed to brave myself reading this, especially reading the massacre of the baby. i almost stopped! really, do you need to be that cruel? :o

check some notes:

My eyes stare into his deep blue ones. - not sure why, but i prefer to have - I stare into....

Beads of sweat gather across his eyebrows and upper lip[. He] hesitates before swiping at the ones on his forehead.

"came out of [these] helicopters. - are the heli nearby there too? or maybe use 'those' to indicate a slight distance away?

I wanted to escape [and] I was paralyzed. - but

[S]he shudders.

The mother screams and slams her body [into] the creature's leg. - onto?

The [creature] squeaks and tosses the baby toward the third [creature] who catches it with ease. - another of their kind?

to make those [on] the bottom feel powerless. - at

The baby's shrieks, [escape] into our heads - um, how about enters?

It snatches her up with a free hand, and tosses her to one of the others.
It catches her.

i'm bothered by the repetition of 'it' there, but have no suggestion now. :)

and shifts its['] way toward several drains - remove

The screams are deafening [until they are not]. - rather awkward - until they cease?

hope those help in a way. good luck!


 Comment Written 13-Jul-2012



reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
    nora,
    thanks for the wonderful review and spaggies. i didn't even think i would have a chance. sigh but i tried. how are you doing? i really need to write you an email.
    hope your ramadan is smooth.
    love,
    barbara

reply by nora arjuna on 25-Jul-2012
    doing fine, just still carrying the remnants of cough and throat irritation. caught them just before ramadhan. recovery is slow due to less fluids taken now.

reply by nora arjuna on 25-Jul-2012
    oh i thought you were doing great!

reply by the author on 25-Jul-2012
    thank you

reply by the author on 25-Jul-2012
    i hope it goes soonest. the cough. LOL are cough drops considered food? maybe if you keep them around for those times when you can't get that tickle out of your throat. after all it isn't for pleasure but to keep you alive.

reply by the author on 25-Jul-2012
    thank you
Comment by
marion
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  90
Review Stars
  Rank:  277
 
Excellent
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Hi there - Wow! Back with a vengeance in this piece! Well done. Action packed. Tight writing. Fast pace. Gruesome! You have some great lines of writing in here. 'His emotions sit on his shoulders, pouring off them like a waterfall of fear and anxiety' is one. You've developed a true technique with your present tense writing. It's difficult to do, but you do it well. Anything I see you can improve, not really, not really at all. Marion.


 Comment Written 12-Jul-2012



reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
    marion,
    thanks for the wonderful review. yeah, gets a little gruesome, doesn't it? thanks again. this is actually a story i like. not so much about what happens to the baby but ... there have been a lot of stories here against abortion lately and i guess that is what fueled this one. sigh. thanks for reading.
    love,
    barbara

reply by marion on 23-Jul-2012
    By view on abortion is that it be the individual's right to choose. Every case is different. Every circumstance is different. Others cannot judge. And while I speak of this, I am in the midst of writing a true story called The Knitting Needle. You'll see the post in the near future. M.

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
    i agree with you. i wrote a story about it too. probably along the lines of yours. my sister-in-law died from a clothes hanger abortion. pretty sad as her children were young. they grew up with a stepmother who wasn't nice to them. the two daughters are already dead. it's just sad.
    love,
    barbara
Comment by
James crofoot
 
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Ah! Great! you and your writing were missed. I can always count on you for these stories which are very entertaining, a little off in a good way. Great story and well written. peace girlie


 Comment Written 12-Jul-2012



reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
    james,
    thanks for the wonderful review. i'm so glad you enjoyed.
    love,
    barbara
Comment by
Joan E.
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  42
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  32
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Welcome back. I am glad you entered this piece as a contest entry, since I think more folks read our work when its in competition. Your announcing "zombies/...blood coats" certainly catches our attention right away. I liked your "waterfall" and "needle" similes. (Did you mean "lifeless" about the baby, about halfway? I also think it's rifle's "report.") Your one word answer, "Food," is very effective as is your compelling finale. Hugs- Joan, from the Ashland, Oregon Shakespeare Festival, where its down to 95 degrees at the outdoor plays!


 Comment Written 12-Jul-2012



reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
    joan,
    i definitely did. i don't think it had a chance but i tried. thanks for the wonderful review. i hope you are doing well.
    love,
    barbara
Comment by
RaymondJohn
 
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Really gruesome. The ending is repulsive but appropriate. The aliens are of a different breed than ET. It is a gripping story, if not a very pleasant one. Ray.


 Comment Written 12-Jul-2012



reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
    raymond,
    thanks for the wonderful review. they are definitely not of the ET variety. LOL glad you enjoyed.
    love,
    barbara
Comment by
Maureen's Pen
 
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Excellent
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OMG I am sure as heck glad I read this in daylight!

This was filled with your classic horror creative imagination.
While it made mine shrink in fear I know that will make you smile knowing you hit the nail on the head so to speak.

That is the only problem while reading your work. I can't hide behind the pillow I so desperately want to stick in front of my face......some things never change ...I'm still a sap when it comes to scary stuff....and you write full out in this one.

Thanks for sharing and welcome back Barbara:) Excellent from beginning to end.
Maureen


 Comment Written 12-Jul-2012



reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
    maureen,
    thanks for the wonderful review. i'm so glad you enjoyed. LOL i'm glad you read during the day.
    :P
    love,
    barbara

reply by Maureen's Pen on 23-Jul-2012
    Listen girl, you either have me consumed with self combustion with your ever heated erotica or thinking I should dive under the bed and hide from your aliens:D
    I'm a mess either I'm a zombie or a banshee I haven't figured it out yet.
    Love
    Maureen

reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
    maureen,
    LOL i love it.
    you made my day.
    love,
    barbara
Comment by
Lobengula
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Oh, you're back all right, with a vengeance. The Queen of the bloody alien!! Well done, love, this was a great story, right up your ally. No-one can write them like you. Love Mike


 Comment Written 12-Jul-2012



reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
    mike,
    thanks for the wonderful review. LOL you made me smiggle.
    love,
    barbara
Comment by
hollyinvesuvianite
 
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Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
barbara, captivating read. You really took this to another place with the sentence begins the story. Great writing and narration. A lot of action and suspense. Reminds me of what is actually going on in our world now- the dehumanization of people and grotesque acts of violence- here it is reversed - or is it? Great ending- good luck in the contest! Holly


 Comment Written 12-Jul-2012



reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
    holly,
    thanks for the wonderful review. i didn't win but i tried. you totally got where i was going with it. i have been seeing so many abortion stories and not to mention as you mentioned the dehumanization factor recently. the question is always who? what? and where? thanks again
    love,
    barbara
Comment by
purrfect tale
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Why didn't I finish my cheese and crackers BEFORE I read this? I saw your name so I knew what I was getting into. Once again you have proven you're the best blood n guts writer on the site. The stuff with the baby and its mother was just too gross to turn away. But I still loved it.

How'd you g(e)t here?"

a baby from its mother's arms, and tosses it towards its friend. - Comma not needed because the clause after your conjunction won't make a complete sentence on its own.


 Comment Written 12-Jul-2012



reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
    LOL that's a great question. thanks for the wonderful review and spaggies. it was pretty gross. sometimes i'm not even sure how i write these.
    thanks again
    love,
    barbara
Comment by
Jen Gentry
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Barbara
You get six stars for nailing the very risky present tense first person write. I cannot hardly keep the tense perfect like you have done, but I must say in this action packed chapter the present tense keeps the tension and suspense going fast paced. I am thrilled for you.
Jenny


 Comment Written 12-Jul-2012



reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
    jenny,
    thanks for the wonderful review. i always write in present tense. i have had to write in past and found it ... i can edit other people's work in past tense. it is just me. thanks again
    love,
    barbara
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