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Reviews from
Stories of the Dreamtime
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Rainbow Bower Bird."
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Aboriginal myths and legends.
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18 total reviews
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
 | Author Rating For Short Works
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 Rank: 56 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
| Script Rating
| Review Stars
 Rank: 27 | | | |
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This is an entertaining, and wonderfully told story. Perfect for children, but a delight for adults as well.
The tribes were never happy even though they had everything they needed for a good life and they never smiled. [A eenzy-teenzy suggestion: Instead of making "and they never smiled" an ADDITION to their unhappiness, let it be the RESULT of it. Give is a sentence of its own. If you really want to make it POP, give it a whole new paragraph.]
At once he spoke, his voice sounded like thunder and the people sat down and listened to what he had to say. [Adding the "AT" to the beginning of this sentence gives it an odd construction, and makes your sentence a "run-on", also known as a "comma splice".
If you want to convey the meaning of "Suddenly he spoke" then leave the "At", but you'll need to use punctuation other than a comma after "spoke" because you have two complete sentences. You would need a semicolon or period. Another solution would be to leave the comma, but add an "and" after it.
If you want to convey the meaning, "As soon as he spoke" then you simply remove the "At" and begin with "Once he spoke".
I hope I haven't thoroughly confused you.
always fighting with one another," he inclined his head ... [I noticed you did this also with the Christmas story. The above is not a dialogue tag. A dialogue tag would simply be "he said". What you have is a description of his action (which can suffice as a dialogue tag, but is handled differently). You simply end the dialogue with a period and closed quote. Then begin with an upper case "H". In other words, inclining his head is not responsible for the words coming from his beak. He said, would be responsible. Is that clearer, or more muddied?
"Baiame sent me to teach you a lesson. [Either bring this up to the previous line or add a space for a new paragraph. Personally, I'm in favor of a new paragraph.]
to where they can find food," they huddled together waiting for an answer. [Same as above: Start "they" with upper case "T" as a new sentence. If you want to use it as an "identifier" or dialogue tag, you can add the tag to it, such as: "they CRIED, (said,or some such), huddLING together, waiting for an answer.
need to learn a lesson: Kininderie Weedah puffed himself [You need a close quote after "lesson" since it's the end of his dialogue. The remaining sentence is narrative. I don't know why you have a colon there.]
you are called desert nomads. [No closed quote]
This is the legend of how the plain Bower Bird became the Rainbow Bowerbird. [Paragraph spacing error.]
I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, Kay.
I do want to point out my reviewing standards at this point. If this were a regular post and not one you asked that I read, I would have given it only 4 stars because of the SPAG. Any post that has more than 3 spags (not suggestions, but actual grammatical errors)I deduct a star. If I see a person just doesn't care and is being sloppy, but just wants the recognition, I will go as low as 3 stars. YOURS CERTAINLY DOESN'T FALL IN THAT CATEGORY.
On the other hand, what I do is give back the star as soon as I am told the corrections are made. So, it's just on loan...
Thank you for asking me to read this. I was delighted by it.
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Comment Written 18-Dec-2014 |
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reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
Jay, Thank you for taking the time to edit this. I printed out your review and will edit the story after Christmas. Now, you do realise there are another nine chapters to this? You don't have to read and review them unless you want to. In saying this, when you edit I have a lot of work to do it 2015!! Life wasn't meant to sit on our butts.
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reply by Jay Squires on 19-Dec-2014
Any reading will have to be sporadic but in their order. I can't seem to read and give GENERAL advise here. My problem is the way the site's reward system is set up, my physical time availability for reading when balanced with writing, and the fact that I STILL, at 75, aspire to get my books to market. Today I must cut back on everything to go shopping for Christmas.
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reply by the author on 20-Dec-2014
I was grateful that you read the first chapter. As it isn't being promoted, you don't get a red cent; up to you if you wish to read. Happy Christmas my new friend. :-)XX Kay.
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