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Reviews from
Stories of the Dreamtime


Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Rainbow Bower Bird."

Aboriginal myths and legends.

  18 total reviews 
Comment by
aryr
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  Rank:  56
 
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This was so enjoyable Kay, it indeed reminds me of some of the Native American Indian stories shared from generation to generation through story telling, singing and dancing. I really enjoyed the concept that the tribes were to learn to share, not dislike and hate each other. Thanks so much, now I am on to the next chapter, thanks for telling me about this. I think I met you when you had posted the last chapter since I remember the picture.


 Comment Written 20-Aug-2018



reply by the author on 20-Aug-2018
    "All things work together for good, for those who love the Lord." The Bible parallels our cultures. Nighty, night Zzzz.
    Well, I am 73!

reply by aryr on 20-Aug-2018
    Night, sleep well.
Comment by
Jay Squires
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  Rank:  27
 
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This is an entertaining, and wonderfully told story. Perfect for children, but a delight for adults as well.

The tribes were never happy even though they had everything they needed for a good life and they never smiled. [A eenzy-teenzy suggestion: Instead of making "and they never smiled" an ADDITION to their unhappiness, let it be the RESULT of it. Give is a sentence of its own. If you really want to make it POP, give it a whole new paragraph.]

At once he spoke, his voice sounded like thunder and the people sat down and listened to what he had to say. [Adding the "AT" to the beginning of this sentence gives it an odd construction, and makes your sentence a "run-on", also known as a "comma splice".

If you want to convey the meaning of "Suddenly he spoke" then leave the "At", but you'll need to use punctuation other than a comma after "spoke" because you have two complete sentences. You would need a semicolon or period. Another solution would be to leave the comma, but add an "and" after it.

If you want to convey the meaning, "As soon as he spoke" then you simply remove the "At" and begin with "Once he spoke".

I hope I haven't thoroughly confused you.

always fighting with one another," he inclined his head ... [I noticed you did this also with the Christmas story. The above is not a dialogue tag. A dialogue tag would simply be "he said". What you have is a description of his action (which can suffice as a dialogue tag, but is handled differently). You simply end the dialogue with a period and closed quote. Then begin with an upper case "H". In other words, inclining his head is not responsible for the words coming from his beak. He said, would be responsible. Is that clearer, or more muddied?

"Baiame sent me to teach you a lesson. [Either bring this up to the previous line or add a space for a new paragraph. Personally, I'm in favor of a new paragraph.]

to where they can find food," they huddled together waiting for an answer. [Same as above: Start "they" with upper case "T" as a new sentence. If you want to use it as an "identifier" or dialogue tag, you can add the tag to it, such as: "they CRIED, (said,or some such), huddLING together, waiting for an answer.

need to learn a lesson: Kininderie Weedah puffed himself [You need a close quote after "lesson" since it's the end of his dialogue. The remaining sentence is narrative. I don't know why you have a colon there.]

you are called desert nomads. [No closed quote]

This is the legend of how the plain Bower Bird became the Rainbow Bowerbird. [Paragraph spacing error.]

I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, Kay.

I do want to point out my reviewing standards at this point. If this were a regular post and not one you asked that I read, I would have given it only 4 stars because of the SPAG. Any post that has more than 3 spags (not suggestions, but actual grammatical errors)I deduct a star. If I see a person just doesn't care and is being sloppy, but just wants the recognition, I will go as low as 3 stars. YOURS CERTAINLY DOESN'T FALL IN THAT CATEGORY.

On the other hand, what I do is give back the star as soon as I am told the corrections are made. So, it's just on loan...

Thank you for asking me to read this. I was delighted by it.









 Comment Written 18-Dec-2014



reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
    Jay, Thank you for taking the time to edit this. I printed out your review and will edit the story after Christmas. Now, you do realise there are another nine chapters to this? You don't have to read and review them unless you want to. In saying this, when you edit I have a lot of work to do it 2015!! Life wasn't meant to sit on our butts.

reply by Jay Squires on 19-Dec-2014
    Any reading will have to be sporadic but in their order. I can't seem to read and give GENERAL advise here. My problem is the way the site's reward system is set up, my physical time availability for reading when balanced with writing, and the fact that I STILL, at 75, aspire to get my books to market. Today I must cut back on everything to go shopping for Christmas.

reply by the author on 20-Dec-2014
    I was grateful that you read the first chapter. As it isn't being promoted, you don't get a red cent; up to you if you wish to read. Happy Christmas my new friend. :-)XX Kay.
Comment by
Jendowoz
 
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These are wonderful stories. From one Aussie to another, I have always been fascinated by myths and legends from all cultures including our own. I am also a teacher and these stories are wonderful to share with my students. I do many Aboriginal Dreamtime stories with them.

regards, Jen


 Comment Written 14-Oct-2013



reply by the author on 14-Oct-2013
    Thanks again Jen :-)
Comment by
Taffspride
 
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Kay, I absolutely love this, I started reading the Googarh twins, but noticed there was a chapter one.

Your knowledge of the legends truly is wonderful, and I cannot wait to read more.

Last year I heard some of the legends of the Cherokee Indians and found them fascinating.

Told simply for young and old to delight in. Keep them coming my friend.

Just one little suggestion.
all the wonderful gifts Baiame has give you (has given you)

Thank you for sharing, Now I will go on to the next chapter.

Iechyd da

Ann


 Comment Written 07-Oct-2013



reply by the author on 07-Oct-2013
    Ann, Thanks for going back to chap. 1 - I will edit, you have given me the review I needed to be recognised! Bless you, K.

reply by Taffspride on 07-Oct-2013
    :) looking forward to more of these stories.

    Iechyd da

    Ann

reply by the author on 07-Oct-2013
    OK :-)
Comment by
EMB
 
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Hmm. I'm thinking that this is probably written for "Young Adults," not for children because it doesn't seem to have a narrator voice that would appeal to the younger audience. Plus, it's a bit abstract for them.


 Comment Written 05-Oct-2013



reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
    OK, I get your point. Thanks so much for reading. I hope you will enjoy the next chapter. Cheers, K.
Comment by
jmdg1954
 
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Kay... This is great. Your lead story is one that begs of interest and will have the reader coming back for more. Very interesting read.
Nicely done. John


 Comment Written 05-Oct-2013



reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
    Thank you John, only 30 more legends to go! Bless you, Kay.

reply by jmdg1954 on 05-Oct-2013
    I'll be here for them all. You planning to publish?

reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
    I don't know how to John, never gave it a thought, just like to tell stories of our beginnings - finished chapter 2. Now I have to earn some site money! :-)
Comment by
Eleanor Buron
 
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Wonderful story. One question - should "tribe" near the very end be plural? Maybe read like this:
"Tribes that lose respect for one another and are ungrateful for all the gifts Baiame has given(or bestowed) must learn a lesson."
Also add a quotation mark after "nomads" I think I would leave a line space and let the last sentence stand alone.
These are suggestions. ;) I really like this!! I want to check out anything I have missed in my very long absence. Elly


 Comment Written 04-Oct-2013



reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
    Thank you Elly, for reviewing and your edits. Glad you like it - only 30 more to go! Blessings, K.

reply by Eleanor Buron on 05-Oct-2013
    ;) Good luck my friend. And may all the angels of writing inspire and assist.
Comment by
tedanytime
 
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There is a great message in this story. Sadly it is the story of all mankind, people who had everything yet wanted more or might have been disatisfied with bounty.
Another messenger was sent to the tribes, but was rejected and killed...

I really appreciate your stories of the former times and peoples!


 Comment Written 04-Oct-2013



reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
    Hello Ted, Thanks so much for reading; only 30 more legends to go! Good lessons. Blessings, Kay.
Comment by
cheyennewy
 
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Hi K,

This is a wonderful story and I am sorry I have nary a six to me name. I guess the old Aborigines were like everyone else who can't get along. I love the notion of the animals and birds speaking to them. You have written this well with your gifted pen. Well done....blessings, chey


 Comment Written 04-Oct-2013



reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
    Thank you dear friend - we all run our of sixers when we want one; still, the thought was there and glad you enjoyed. Love, Kay.
Comment by
Alan K Pease
 
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
The story of the Bower Birds is entrancing done with your extensive knowledge of the history of Australia especially the aboriginal peoples which you bring to life in their myths and legends. Hope this review finds you well. Regards Alan


 Comment Written 04-Oct-2013



reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
    Hello dear friend Alan, Thanks so much for your rating - glad you enjoy the first little story (30 more to go!) blessings, Kay.
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