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Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Zack Randall"

A Whole New Identity

  17 total reviews 
Comment by
lludlow
 
 
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Wow!! Never saw this coming and love it!! Couldn't figure out where we were going with Zack, but now I see. And I thought the papers were about Hali, but they're not! I think Zack is going to be a great addition.

Little things: para. 5-his other pocket. What was in the first pocket? Also, I didn't realize (until later) that he had actually taken the attach© case with him. Can he stuff the papers in, grab it, and run?

Loved snoozeville and the nannies!


 Comment Written 11-Jan-2014



reply by the author on 11-Jan-2014
    Hi again, and I'm impressed, you're reading right along. Did he have the gun and the flashlight going there? Can't remember, lol. Will check.

    Snoozeville tickled me, too.

    Thanks for the great review,
    Gayle
Comment by
allborn66
 
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This chapter has an interesting twist. Obviously his target had someone else willing to kill him. You have introduce another interesting character.
Barbara


 Comment Written 08-Jan-2014



reply by the author on 09-Jan-2014
    Hey Barbara,

    Imagine his surprise, huh? We expand this whole idea in the next chapter. Thanks so much for the great comments and stars,

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
TheWriteTeach
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Oh, we're off and running! You seriously have my full attention now. And, oh yes, don't think I missed the restaurant and Al! If Ella's made an appearance, I'm pretty sure the rest of the crew will be around sooner or later, especially Amy!

This was an excellent chapter, Gayle. At first I wasn't sure I was reading the right piece because I couldn't make any connection with the first three. But man, what a connection you made at the end. I can't even begin to imagine where you are taking this because the possibilities are almost endless. My head is reeling with one scenario after another. I love this!

Okay, when it said that Brentwood had a settled, mature air about it . . . except for the unfortunate domestic incident several years back - that wouldn't refer to Bob and Terry's little mishap, by any chance?

There was one thing that threw me a little and made me go back and re-read. You wrote, 'These men were dead for at least thirty minutes.' How did Zach know that? I needed something to legitimize, or ground, that statement and couldn't find it. I was looking for something like 'The bodies were starting to cool, so they had to have been dead for at least thirty minutes.'

A larvae, confined in the skin of a caterpillar, makes a magnificent metamorphosis into a butterfly, no longer trapped, but free to fly on the breeze at will. Zack Randall, trapped in Brentwood, will also make a metamorphosis . . . into Brad Armstrong, but will he be free at last, or just as confined in another skin? Sorry, I couldn't resist. Sometimes these things just come over me; I swear I have multiple personalities.

Overall, this is super. You did a fantastic job with this.

Suz


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2014



reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
    Suz, you give the best reviews, I swear. Part of it, of course, is you're a writer, too, so you've got a keener eye than one who reads just for pleasure. I'll get something in that their skin was cool, something like that. :) great catch.

    Like you, my head started reeling as I got to hear what's on Zack's mind. He could do or be anything, couldn't he? I figure that his next chapter is going to give me a good clue at the direction. You know how I write - it's up to the characters.

    Oh, yes, that would be clever - Bob and Terry. I was thinking a little farther back - to OJ and Nicole and Ron Goldman.

    God, I loved your butterfly analogy. I'm gonna save it back and maybe use it later in the story.

    Thank you so much, Suz, for the fine review and for liking my kids!

    Hugs,
    Gayle

reply by TheWriteTeach on 08-Jan-2014
    By all means, if the opportunity presents itself, use the butterfly analogy in your book.

    It is going to be interesting to see how Zack's involved in all this mysterious stuff.
    So he opened up and let you in on his thoughts? That's when the best writing happens.

    OJ and Nicole - humm, before my time, I guess. LOL Believe that one and I've got some superb swamp land for sale . . .

Comment by
TervLass
 
 
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Hi Gayle,

The suspense certainly builds as the premise for Zack Randall's budding idea unfolds. Introducing him through a murder planned but not committed is a nifty twist. Also enjoyed your description of his neighborhood - an easy fit for many urban cities.

The balance provided depicting his current life and lifestyle (sustainability/reality), and the ignition of plot both intrigues and promises a page-turning mystery.

Housekeeping - only if it pertains to your actual manuscript....
(Para 15) no drop to next line needed after, "slightly", before "Brentwood", perhaps? "...city so he could get lost in the crowd. Neither appealed, not even slightly.
Brentwood was congested enough..."

A smooth and enjoyable read. No "bumps" to derail story progression.

Helen


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2014



reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
    Thank you so much, Helen. I'm really getting excited about the possibilities here. Sooo many ways to go.

    Thanks so much, my friend, for the great comments and review.

    Hugs,
    Gayle

reply by TervLass on 08-Jan-2014
    Oh, I can believe that easily (re possibilities)! Referencing an earlier reply, yes, when writing I find my characters actually, "take over", no matter my intent for their action. Sometimes I can steer them in a preferred direction, but more often than not, they have their own agenda, so are released to take me on a journey. Very strange phenomena, but tremendously interesting :-) and usually good for the telling of a tale. Secondly,no, I haven't "met" Norbanus. How fortunate to have someone tune in to the extent you describe. I love it!

    Cheers,
    Helen
Comment by
barbara.wilkey
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Now I see how the dogs are going to be introduced. I am really enjoying this story. The lower part of the house has an extra t in Tthe


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2014



reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
    We're getting close, Barbara. I've got another chapter to get out and then we're off to Ella's. I'm hungry!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
lindalcreel
 
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So now I have to wonder who this Brad Armstrong is and why the secrecy? At least he has found a way to get out of his own horrid life. I have a feeling he is going to find out a lot when he goes to the clinic and decides on a new life for himself. The plot is really heating up. Can't wait to read the next chapters.


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2014



reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
    Things that just look so good at first, so alluring, soon can become a trap of their own. This is going to be an interesting trip.

    Thanks for the great review,

    Hugs,
    Gayle

reply by lindalcreel on 08-Jan-2014
    Looking forward to it.
Comment by
bookishfabler
 
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His only other choice was to move to a deserted island or a foreign city so he could get lost in the crowd. Neither appealed, not even slightly.
Brentwood was congested enough. Without a choice, he continued to trudge his path.
EE again. Can't find any other fault

most excellent chapter.
hugs Heidi


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2014



reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
    That EE - makes me nuts.

    Wow, so good to see you again. Is this a character you could sink your teeth into? There are so many ways I could go with this guy, but he seems to have a pretty good picture of himself, so he's in control for now.

    Always fun starting a new book, isn't it?

    Thanks my dear friend,

    Hugs, Book to Book,
    Gayle
Comment by
Sylvia Page
 
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He wasn't a special agent[-,] he was a

This chapter is full of question marks... who is Zack ? Perhaps I have missed out somewhere.
Very well written as usual.
Cheers
Sylvia


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2014



reply by the author on 07-Jan-2014
    Sylvia, you've just met our 'dark horse'. How do you like him? He just appears, as it were, an opportunist looking for a new life. I have a couple of ideas for him, nothing solid on him yet. He's new to me, too!

    Thanks for the great comments,
    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment by
Liz Dunbee
 
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The introduction of Zack adds another powerful character to your book. His history displays his personality in an excellent manner. You drew the reader in from the beginning. No words wasted and a great and exciting chapter with excellent descriptions. Reminds me a bit of Patricia Cornwell's books. I am a great fan of hers.


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2014



reply by the author on 07-Jan-2014
    Hi Liz, I just fell in love with this guy from the start. I can't wait to get to describe him! Since Hali and Zack are going to have new faces I decided waiting was better. Won't be long now.

    Say, when reading, do you prefer a generalized picture where you fill in the face in your mind or do you like a photo or picture to visualize? Just wondering.

    Hugs and thanks,
    Gayle

reply by Liz Dunbee on 07-Jan-2014
    My mind fills in the face. I seldom need a photo or picture. I don't know about other people.
Comment by
Ted T
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Hi Gayle :)

Good work, Love the way Zack makes his entrance into the plot. Well defined character with a shadowed past. I see all of that being held in the wings until being peppered into the story.

A bit heavy on the 'telling' side and a tad long for a tense chapter. Those are your choices, I'd make it two chapters.

NITS:



The word [promised] appears twice in Paragraph four one line apart. You need to fix that.

Paragraph five: is he in or out of the house? How could Zack use his penlight on the kitchen floor from outside? Needs to be clarified.

Other than that, your good to go with this one.

Ted



 Comment Written 06-Jan-2014



reply by the author on 07-Jan-2014
    Wasn't that a great entre? I really like to get odd slants as long as it doesn't seem too contrived.

    I'll get the promise adjusted, ;) And yes, too much telling. Now, I visualize him crouched outside the partially open door when he does that flashlight thingy. Not working for you? Let me get in there and massage this all a bit.

    The sixer is lovely, my friend and thank you so much for it.

reply by Ted T on 07-Jan-2014
    Okay, if Zack is crouched outside looking into the partly open kitchen door, then shining the light across the floor will work. You didn't make that clear enough.

    Too much 'telling' and long chapters will tend to slow down the novel's pace.

    * * * *

    I finished reformatting "Legs" last night for a 5X8 trim size and it's headed to the printer.

    The project required seven drafts and intense nit-picking. If new novelists would follow that example SP/POD books would start looking more professional.

    It was worth the time an effort.
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